Panic attacks are not uncommon, but they can be terrifying and can take over your life if they are allowed to develop into panic disorder. Read more about panic attacks, what they are, and what you can do to stop them, in this week's blog post, as featured on English Informer in France and Ex-Pat Radio (Friday mornings).
This week I want to talk about panic attacks and panic disorder. A panic attack is a sudden surge of intense feelings of fear and impending doom or danger that typically lasts for a fairly short time (about 15 minutes or less) but it can feel as though it lasts forever. You know you are having a panic attack when you feel symptoms such as the following:
Doesn’t sound like fun does it? Panic attacks tend to be sudden and unexpected, and can leave you feeling you are possibly having a heart attack or losing your mind. Sometimes people just have one panic attack, while others may have several a week that seem as though they are taking over their life. Perhaps you have suffered from panic attacks, or you know someone who has? Surveys suggest that in a 12-month period anywhere from 2 to 6% of the general population will experience panic attacks, and they often start in your 20s, so they might be more common than you think. A panic attack is different from a normal reaction to something frightening or anxiety provoking, as it usually happens without there being an apparent real threat to your well-being. Unfortunately, if you go on to have recurrent panic attacks you can develop panic disorder, which is where you begin to worry when the next attack will happen, or you start changing your behavior or routines to try and avoid an attack happening. I once had a client, for example, who avoided shopping in a certain supermarket because he had a panic attack there, but gradually what happens is your world starts to shrink as you plan your life around the possibility of an attack. At worst people can develop agoraphobia, which is a fear of the world outside their home. This fear of fear can take a toll emotionally on the sufferer and those around them. The causes of panic attacks are unclear. Some believe there could a genetic predisposition to being more anxious, but what I have seen is it often seems to be maladaptive thinking patterns that drive the panic reactions, or a reaction to trauma or ongoing stress in your life. I experienced panic attacks in my 20s when I was going through a stressful period of a long commute to a job I hated every day, but the attacks went away when I finally took back control of my life. Panic attacks can be helped in the first instance by giving strong reassurance to the person you know who is suffering. Help them to slow their breathing down and focus on something in front of them, and eventually the panic will subside. If the attacks have happened more than once or twice then it is a good idea to visit your general practitioner. They are easy to diagnose but your doctor needs to rule out the possibility of health concerns such as low blood sugar or a reaction to another medication you might be taking. After that the treatment of choice is usually a series of visits to a good counsellor or psychologist, possibly with some medication to help you get over the worst of the symptoms. While panic attacks can seem terrifying, the good news is that therapy alone (particularly cognitive behavioral therapy) is successful in 85% of cases. Supplementing your therapy with life changes and treatments such as mindfulness training, yoga, regular physical exercise and a good diet can help to bring lasting relief from panic disorder. Dr Jules If you are feeling anxious or have experienced panic attacks, then counselling can be helpful in providing treatment, support and a non-judgmental space to explore your options. For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person.
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Many of us have something about our appearance that we might change if we could, but we don't become preoccupied with it. Sometimes, however, the thoughts we have about ourselves are entirely focused on how we look, forcing us to change our behavior or seek some medical intervention. This week on English Informer in France and Ex-Pat Radio I have been talking about body image:
Dear Dr Jules I have a large birthmark on my face and I don’t like to go out anymore because I feel people are constantly staring at me, or even worse, they try not to look and they turn away. Can you help please? Hi there, I feel your distress as I read your question. Sadly, we are brought up equating perfection in appearance with goodness and success. We only see certain body types in children’s stories and in the media. It is always the slim princess who gets swept off her feet by the handsome prince, while dolls are impossibly thin with pretty painted faces. As we grow up and get more exposure to the media we are then bombarded with images that fulfill the current standard for perfection, always slim, toned and beautiful. Of course these images are digitally altered before we see them, reinforcing the ideals that not even the models themselves can attain. It is rare for us to see positive role models who fall outside of this norm: people who are carrying more weight, who are differently abled physically, or who have something unusual about their face such as a birth mark or a noticeable scar. In therapy, I focus on helping people to differentiate between whether the problem is their appearance which must be fixed before they can move forward with anything else in life, or if it is their preoccupation with their appearance that is the problem, i.e., is what you see in the mirror what you feel about yourself? Once the client can accept that the issue is an emotional and cognitive problem, then we have something solid to work on. As we grow up we have external and internal influences on how we feel about ourselves. The external includes things that other people did to us, such as bullying, teasing, staring, humiliating, rejecting and medical interventions which may have been expensive and painful. The internal are the resulting thoughts and beliefs we develop about ourselves that we repeat in our head over and over, or images of ourselves that we play out in scenarios in our minds that are distressing. Both of these are like audio tapes and DVDs that we keep playing, even though they are painful. Unfortunately, the constant repetition only serves to reinforce those old external influences in our mind. Think back, did you get bullied or teased as a child over your appearance? When you remember your younger self, does it upset you to recall what that child went through? If so, some inner child therapy could be helpful, where you comfort that child and remind it that children are often cruel but without the ability to understand the repercussions of their actions. You may have had constant experiences of teasing or negative reactions that have reinforced your negative feelings about yourself, and that have built up over time until you can’t get those thoughts out of your head, and then your defense system starts to break down and you become caught in a negative cycle of expectations and beliefs, leading to low self-esteem and a sense that perhaps you don’t even want to leave the house. Here is the key: don’t let your body image become the bully that continues to chase you around now, because that is what those old internal tapes and DVDs are – the bully that is still chasing you and humiliating you. Think about how much time each day you spend checking your appearance, or focusing on your perception of other people’s reaction to it? What do you think other people are thinking about you, what do you fear in their reactions? For example, do you fear they won’t like you or won’t want to interact with you? All of this is the continuation of the external and internal influences on how you are living your life now. What we want to do in therapy is to help you change those old tapes and DVDs, and to learn to keep your attention focused outside of yourself so that you are less preoccupied with your appearance. Some people might have a problem with how you look, but remember that the problem is theirs not yours, and their questions might be exactly what you would be wondering if you saw yourself for the first time. As you make progress, I hope you come to experience your uniqueness as something to celebrate, in all aspects of yourself, such as your character, your achievements and your appearance. Those who know and love you do so because of who you are, and that is what matters. I recommend finding others with similar experiences to yourself, and networking with them. It is really important to know that you are not alone and to see what has helped others to cope. A couple of good websites I found are: http://loveyourmark.com/meet-beverley/ https://www.changingfaces.org.uk/ Overall, don’t let your thoughts about your appearance develop into something more serious such as a preoccupation that stops you from living your life. Find the help you need to move forward and get out into the world again. Dr Jules If you are feeling stuck with your life and can’t see a way forward, or if you are distressed about your appearance to the point where it starts to occupy your thoughts, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgmental space to explore your options and make positive change. For a free consultation and to access the counselling service consider contacting Dr Jules in person While many of us hate to sleep alone, sleeping with a loved one can come with its stresses. A good night's sleep is so important for our mental health, so if you find your sleep is interrupted by your partner or kids (or pets!), then this week's article could be helpful. The article was written for English Informer in France and we will discuss it on Ex-Pat Radio on my regular Friday morning spot next week (10.30-11.15am). Don't forget to contact me if you have a problem you would like me to respond to, and remember that I will keep your identity confidential.
Sharing Your Bed My parents have been married for the best part of 50 years. Lately my mother has been dealing with some ill health, the symptoms of which have kept both her and my father awake. Rather than both of them be constantly sleep-deprived she offered to make up the spare room for him so he could get some sleep, to which my father replied that he would rather be awake at night and next to her than awake because he was away from her. So this lovely story got me to thinking, when we share our bed with others how do we juggle our need for sleep with our need to feel close? And what can I as a therapist suggest to help the situation? Sometimes your bed can feel like a war zone. By this I mean that many of us can struggle to get a peaceful sleep with our partner present. We like to think that falling asleep in each other’s arms is deeply romantic, but at some point one person’s arm goes numb and you start to yearn to just relax enough to sleep. Think about the reality of sleeping together: the struggles for the duvet, the snoring, the bouncing around as the other person tosses and turns, the fact that you feel you are sleeping in a furnace if they get too close in the night, and then the next morning you are crabby and exhausted. So much for romance! And yet, research suggests that while women tend to bear the brunt of the problems that come with sharing a bed (argue about that one later) sleeping with a loved one can help you to decrease stress hormones and feel more protected, so should you stay put in the bed or should you go elsewhere to sleep? Maybe there are some practical solutions you can discuss and try out, such as:
Co-sleeping or having a family bed – this is another kind of bed sharing where young children sleep in close sensory proximity to their parents. It is common in many parts of the world where cribs are not used as often, and bed sharing of young siblings together is also common in many cultures. In countries such as the U.S., however, the official stance of the American Academy of Pediatrics is that while room sharing is okay, bed sharing is not recommended as it has led on some occasions to the death of children through accidental suffocation (often attributed to drug and alcohol use by the parents). When you turn the couple bed into a family bed, problems can occur with lack of intimacy for the parents, especially if one partner is less keen on having the kids so close 24/7 and would prefer to have their partner to themselves at night. I also see problems in therapy where one partner tries to reduce intimacy by deliberately bringing a child into the bed or regularly going off to sleep with one of the children complaining that the child is unable to sleep alone. My advice here is to talk to your partner about how to balance the needs of the couple relationship with the needs of the children. Co-sleeping can bring a lot of comfort for everyone when the children are small, but don’t be afraid to put a boundary around the couple’s need for private time. One compromise is having regular date nights where the children sleep over with grandparents or friends, or you can become more inventive about how you find quality time together. I once visited an elderly couple who lived in a small apartment on a housing estate in London. They told me they had raised all their kids in the apartment which was once the family home, and I commented that I wondered how they ever managed to find time for intimacy. They both just chuckled and said where there is a will there is a way! So don’t let your bed become a place of stress. Sleeping with others, whether it be your partner or young children, should be a comfort. If it becomes a battle-zone then work together to find a solution. If problems in the bedroom are indicative of deeper problems in the relationship, then consider seeking counselling and don’t let small niggles turn into bigger issues. Dr Jules If you are feeling stuck with your life and can’t see a way forward, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgmental space to explore your options. For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person As featured on English Informer In France and on the Dr Jules slot on Ex-Pat Radio, this week we discuss research on signs of distress in couple relationships, and what you can do about it:
Four Signs Your Relationship Could Be In Trouble This week I wanted to focus on relationships and ways that couples can stay happy and connected to each other. Sometimes couples can enter into destructive patterns of behavior with each other and recognizing those patterns is the first step to solving the problem. John Gottman, PhD, is a researcher specializing in the science of successful couple relationships, and he has identified four destructive behaviors that can be predictors of divorce; he has labelled these The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Often when we engage in these behaviors it can seem as if we are constantly fighting about nothing, and it can leave us feeling exhausted and less invested in our relationship. The Four Horsemen are: Criticism This is when you phrase your concerns about the relationship as problems or faults in your partner, so you seem to be attacking their character rather than their behavior. Examples of this include saying things like “You really annoy me when you do that” or “Why didn’t you take out the trash last night, you can be so lazy?” Why is criticism a concern? It makes the other person feel they are the problem, and inevitably it will lead to our next Horseman, which is: Defensiveness When you feel attacked, sometimes you attack back, or you get whiney. You want to make out you are innocent and you need to find some way to deflect, so you turn the tables, make excuses and match the other person’s complaint with one of your own. “Oh yeah, well maybe I would take the trash out if you would bother to empty the dishwasher once in a while!” You can see how this quickly escalates in to a fight and bad feeling on both sides. Stonewalling Our third Horseman is the one who stops responding and turns away. They cut off communication and stop speaking for a while, sometimes for days. This leaves the other partner feeling ignored and deeply frustrated, and can lead to repeated attempts to re-engage, sometimes by escalating things until there is no choice but to respond. Interestingly this is a gendered response, as it is more often men who stonewall. Research suggests men do this because they feel overwhelmed or ‘flooded’ by emotions and are unable to think clearly. They may also be using this time to dwell on negative thoughts about their partner and the relationship, which makes it harder to move on. Contempt This is the particularly concerning Horseman as it shows one person is taking a position of superiority over the other. Examples of contempt include mocking the other person, eye rolling, sneering, sarcasm, name calling and insults, and often correcting the other person to make it seem as though they are incapable or less intelligent. If you find yourself doing this on a regular basis, it is time to make some changes. So what can we do to improve our relationship if we find The Four Horsemen are present in our lives? Here are some tried and tested tips straight from couple’s therapy:
Happy relationships can stand a little Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling, but when they are ongoing and joined by their friend Contempt, this is a high predictor that your relationship is in trouble and may end. Constant investment in your relationship is crucial, so don’t leave the decision to enter into therapy until The Four Horsemen are galloping through your relationship and trampling it into oblivion! Dr Jules If you are feeling concerned about your relationship, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgmental space to begin to repair and move forward. For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person Migration is extremely stressful as it makes you a legal alien, where everything is new and different. For this article I answered a question about moving to France, although much of the information could be applied to any country you are thinking of moving to. Find the original article here: http://www.englishinformerinfrance.com/full-article/Should-we-move-to-France
Should we move to France? Dear Dr Jules We are thinking of moving to France later this year. We have been there for holidays over the years and always loved it, and now the kids are independent and doing their own thing we think it is time to follow our dream. What do you think? Hi there, Many of us dream of finding our place in the sun, inspired by TV shows and holidays. We feel tired of the old routines and start to look at life in the UK as too stressful and expensive, and as a life we long to break free of. So is moving to another country such as France the answer? Sometimes it can be, but it is a major decision and not one to be taken lightly. You might remember that song by Sting "Englishman in New York" where he keeps repeating the phrase "I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien". These are words to remember as you weigh up your decision, because you will indeed experience a prolonged period of being an outsider when you move, and this can lead to symptoms of stress such as poor sleep and an increase in consumption (food, alcohol, cigarettes, etc). Being an outsider means not understanding the language, the customs, the culture and the rules. France is famous for its red tape and excessive bureaucracy, with laws changing all the time and many people find it a headache to make progress with everything from obtaining healthcare to getting the phone line switched on. If you are also planning on taking on some renovation work, you could be taking on yet more stress. Restoring an old barn might sound romantic, but will you still be in love with the project when you are living in chaos for longer than expected and going well over budget? The list of potential pitfalls in migration is extensive, and I don't want to scare you off completely by going into more of them. If you still want to make the move, then here is some helpful advice: * Do your homework well in advance of moving. If you plan to work in France, is there work or demand in your field? Whether you want to be self employed or seek a job locally, be aware there are many hoops to jump through, and unemployment in France is still a problem. Many migrants find themselves working long hours, working several jobs at once or being stretched well outside of their normal skill set in order to make ends meet. Life in France is no longer as cheap as you might imagine. Make a list of all the things you will need from finances, buying a car, enrolling your kids in school, getting WiFi in your home, to obtaining planning permission for a building renovation, and spend the time figuring everything out before you hand in your notice and start packing your bags. * Social support is a vital immunizer against stress, so make sure you have a strong support network both at home and in your new location. Get all your friends and family on Skype and make it easy to stay in touch regularly. Plan your first few trips back and get folks pencilled in to come and visit. Equally, before your move find local groups in France where you can meet new people, join sports clubs, get involved with the community. In short, do not allow yourselves to become isolated. * Learn the language. Life in another country is daunting enough, but even more so if you can't accomplish the simplest thing such as a shopping trip. If you move to France without some French ability you will quickly find yourself totally reliant on English speaking services and the ex-pat community, which again pushes you towards isolation and increased stress. * Take care of your marriage or relationship. I see many couples over in France who are not used to spending as much time together as they do now, plus they are coping with increased stress levels for all the reasons I have been discussing here. Make sure your relationship is in a good place and that both of you are equally committed to the move and new adventures (are there grandchildren on the horizon and what will you feel about not seeing them regularly?). If you are not both on the same page, then perhaps it is better to take a step back and work on the relationship before you make plans. * Once you have done all the homework and made the move, remind yourself regularly that migration is tough and that you will be pushed outside of your comfort zone. Sure it might feel easier at times to give up and run home, and in the short term that might indeed seem like the best decision. Remind yourself of why you made the move and what you are striving for in the long term and know that the first weeks, months and even couple of years will inevitably be tough. It is just a piece of time and you are capable of surviving. * When you realize that feeling stressed and emotionally bruised is normal, then set yourself small achievable goals and stick with them until you get there. When you get setbacks, see it is a personal challenge to be more creative and find another way: there is always a Plan B! Work together as a team if you are with a partner, and see the challenges as a way to strengthen your relationship. Moving to France and migrating is a big step. It is a beautiful country steeped in a rich culture and history, so do your homework and make sure it becomes a dream and not a nightmare. Dr Jules If you are finding it tough to cope with life in France, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgemental space to relieve stress and restore coping skills. For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person Sometimes we find ourselves worrying about things that are out of our control. For the English Informer In France I was asked to write an article that focused on Brexit, the referendum on whether the UK will remain as part of the European Union or not. The article touches on some aspects of anxiety and what we can do to control it. You can find the original article here: http://www.englishinformerinfrance.com/full-article/Brexit-has-us-worried
Brexit has us worried Dear Dr Jules My husband and I are in our 60s and increasingly feeling worried about the Brexit vote in June. It feels like it is all we see on the news and all people are talking about. It could have a lot of major repercussions for us financially and otherwise, so we have started talking seriously about whether we should be making plans to move back to the UK. Any advice please? Hi there, Well I am sure this Brexit vote has a lot of people worried, not least those like yourselves who are already living in the European Union and relying on existing financial and other arrangements that could be subject to change. But here’s the thing: there are situations in life we can control, and those we cannot. Politicians and their power games are beyond our control, as is the media, so I would strongly suggest you limit your daily dose of exposure to both. What can we control? Well we can exercise our democratic right to a vote, we can calmly make lists of contingency plans for each item such as pension rights that might change, and we can focus on what is enjoyable to us each day and then put our energy in that direction. Anxiety is not the best state to live your life in, so it is important we don’t let it control us. Don’t over-estimate how responsible you are for the way things in life work out. Generally we make the best decisions we can based on the evidence available to us at the time, and at this point in time there is little evidence that is reliable for any of us over the Brexit situation. We can spend our lives worrying about ‘What ifs’ and not enough time enjoying what we have in front of us. So my suggestion is to enjoy the life you have made in France and if something happens that will force you to review that situation in future, then know that you are smart enough and resilient enough to figure it out when you have to. Dr Jules If you are anxious and can’t see a way forward, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgemental space to explore your options. For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person This week's article on English Informer in France looks at the dilemma of looking for love when many of the usual avenues for meeting a partner seem closed. You can find the original article here: http://www.englishinformerinfrance.com/full-article/Looking-for-love
Dear Dr Jules My husband passed away four years ago. I am 68 and living alone in a quiet village in France where we moved together, and increasingly I feel lonely and wonder about looking for love and another relationship. However, I am a more old fashioned lady and don’t believe in dating websites, nor do I like to go places like pubs alone. I don’t have many friends. Can you help? Hi there, I imagine you must indeed feel lonely. You have had a lot to deal with in losing your husband and I wonder where you found support during that time? You must be a very strong lady to have got through that and stayed living in a foreign country where you are fairly isolated. I would be interested to find out what resources you have that got you through and made you so resilient? The reason I ask is that this is what will help you move onto the next stage of your life … that is moving forward and deciding how to paint the blank canvas that you now have before you. Take some time to think about what you want that picture to look like. Do you imagine a wider social circle, hobbies or voluntary work, a relationship? Decide what would make the next stage of your life meaningful and satisfying. Finding love might be part of that dream, and if it is then you will need to find a way to connect with more people so that you can create the opportunity to meet someone. People tend to find love in many different places, sometimes through their existing social group, or work, or through mutual interests, or increasingly as we lead busy lives through the internet. While I understand the last option is not so appealing for you, it is maybe worth considering, even if it is just finding online groups to expand your social network. I wonder if you have thought about finding classes in a subject you are interested to learn, or maybe you could get involved in organizing meetups for anything from reading groups to seed swaps? You might be surprised to find how many other people are looking for ways to fill their time and get out there to socialize. The bottom line is to know you are a valuable person with a great deal of life still to live and enjoy. Fill your life with interests and people you like having around you, and then you will start to create the right environment for a new relationship to come along. I wish you much luck on your journey! Dr Jules If you are feeling stuck with your life and can’t see a way forward, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgmental space to explore your options. Contact me to request an initial free chat on the phone or Skype to consider if counselling is for you. On this week's English Informer in France article I hear from a 37 year old man who is struggling to move forward with his life, and feeling stuck living with his parents. Find the original article here: http://www.englishinformerinfrance.com/full-article/Stuck-in-a-rut
Dear Dr Jules I am a 37 year old man who lives in France with my 2 parents. In the UK I was a chef and thought in France I would find a job easily. I can speak medium French. I have had a few short season jobs here, but not much. I am fed up with smoking, drinking and just following my parents around. Truth is I am not sure I have the confidence to go back to the UK and have no relatives to go to. I feel stuck in a rut Hi there, Reading your letter it sounds like you are feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I can sense your frustration. I am guessing you have a close relationship with your parents if you moved here to be near them? It certainly sounds as though you came to France to find the family you say you don’t have in the UK. However, at 37 you are a long way past the stage of a young adult who is living at home until they get on their feet, and so it is time to launch and leave the nest again to make your own life. So what do we envisage the average 37 year old man would be doing? Off the top of my head I would say working, seeing friends, dating and finding a partner to make a life with, taking part in hobbies or leisure pursuits, etc. On the plus side you do have a reasonable grasp of the French language, so you could strongly consider making a life in France that would allow you to still see your parents regularly, while building your own independent life. You could also do the same back in the UK where employment might be easier to find, but you are the only person who can decide how important it is to retain that close link with your parents. Once you have decided which country you want to make your life in, then it’s time to take a deep breath and move forward. Write down some columns with headings such as I suggested (work, etc.) and then list what you need to do to start making progress with each one. With work for example, do you need to step outside of your current skill set and consider what else you can do? Have you visited your local employment office with a current CV and registered for work? Are you willing to travel outside of your local area to find work? Break each column down into steps you can take and then start filling up your calendar with things to do each day to move forward. If you are feeling like your self-esteem has taken a dent then visualize yourself doing well in your future life and focus on your strengths that will take you there. Ultimately it is time to leave the nest and stop following your parents around, and your frustration stems from that feeling you have deep down that you need to do something about it. So decide which country pulls your heart and then take the first step. I’m sure you have the ability to do it! Dr Jules If you are feeling stuck with your life and can’t see a way forward, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgmental space to explore your options. For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person This week's column on English Informer in France focused on a situation where the writer is disabled and feels alone and frustrated much of the time. You can see the original article here: http://www.englishinformerinfrance.com/full-article/Feeling-Isolated
19th April, 2016 Feeling Isolated Dear Dr Jules, I am in a wheelchair 90% of the time, my wife works all day and I have 3 children who are all at school. I get frustrated because of funds I only get out when she can take me. Friends come around sometimes but I think they are even fed up now. I am so bored and don't know what to do. Funds are low and I think there is nothing much left for me until everyone comes home at 6 pm Hi there, I can sense your isolation and frustration very clearly, and can see how it would be easy to begin to feel your sense of self worth decreasing. Unfortunately, too much alone time is not a good thing, as you are finding out, so it is important to find ways to keep occupied or feel connected with other people. You might think friends are fed up with you, but that could also be your low mood talking. Invite people over if they have time, and make sure you don’t dwell on your problems when they are with you. Ask about their lives and maybe suggest they can help you get out of the house for a bit. If you have access to a smart phone or computer then it is also a great idea to get involved with some groups via social media such as Facebook or online organizations that either share your interests or offer support to people who are dealing with chronic health problems. I am also wondering what you can do to be more involved with your local community and find voluntary work, or perhaps paid work you can do from home? I know it must feel like you don’t know where to start, but staying home alone all day can lead to depression and feeling hopeless. I really encourage you to see your value, and the importance of fighting hard to show your kids how great you really are. You have three great children and a partner, and they need you! Make a list with them of all the things you can do start filling up your days, and then pick one small thing you can do right now and start there. Let your kids encourage you each day with each step forward. It is amazing how these things can snowball! Dr Jules If you are feeling isolated and stuck with your life, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgmental space to explore your options. For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person This Dr Jules column appeared at: http://www.englishinformerinfrance.com/full-article/Coming-Out-I-am-so-confused
Dear Dr Jules I know that I am gay. I am 24 and never had any feelings towards the opposite sex. I live at home with my Catholic parents and so no before you say tell them, I can't. I haven't enough money to move out. I work as a temp secretary, which is also a problem as someone there, my gender, seems to like me. I am so confused just don't know where to turn any more Hi there, You must feel like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place right now, and I can only imagine how difficult this feels. Coming out is a long series of stages, and there is no right order or right timing to any of it. Many people who I have spoken to in the LGBTQ community over the years feel that they are always coming out, as there are constantly new situations where they have to consider whether or not to reveal their sexuality, such is the nature of our heterosexist society. It sounds like you are working through the stage of coming out to yourself and figuring out your sexuality. It might be helpful for you to know that human sexuality is a lot more fluid and complex than either being gay or straight, and it is often easier to figure these things out when we have understanding people to talk to. You don’t say whether or not you live near a larger city, a university campus or some place that might have LGBTQ support? It might well be helpful for you to research what’s available on-line and consider reaching out to talk to someone who understands. In the meantime I would say it is important not to feel isolated and I am wondering if there is someone you trust to talk to, maybe a friend? You certainly should not rush to discuss it with your parents if that doesn't feel safe, but please don’t feel like you have to figure it all out by yourself. Dr Jules Working through the steps of coming out is a process that can be complex and fraught with anxieties and risks. Counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgemental space to explore your options. For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person |
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