This week I am featuring a guest article, written for us by Daisy Law, who wrote the powerful and important book Secret Secret, an invaluable resource for anyone involved with children. As my posts generally focus on adult mental health, I thought it was about time I feature some information on ways we can take care of children’s mental health too, not least because many of the problems I see stem from childhood experiences.


Daisy Law:
“Children can have a lot of conflicting emotions about secrecy of any kind, and being forced to keep secrets which upset them can be part of wider safeguarding issues. Yet even the most caring family members or professionals can sometimes miss signs that a child’s wellbeing is compromised, so an engaging book which speaks directly to kids themselves would fill a very specific social need. Writing Secret, Secret was one way of addressing that need.

As a former teacher, I watched growing numbers of abuse headlines from the theoretical standpoint of having completed safeguarding training and – sadly – from the practical standpoint of having taught children who were victimised by abusive adults. Within my professional life I had also had both verbal and written disclosures made to me by pupils. It seemed essential to me to give young children the message that it was OK to tell secrets, and to help them think about the different kinds of secrets which might form part of their experience. Not in a kind of grey, dour way which might rob kids of their innocence or terrify them, but in a way that prompted discussion and involvement by the children themselves. For teachers tasked with delivering safeguarding concepts to pre-schoolers or the youngest classes this filled a toolkit niche, and for some children it could be the difference between enduring or disclosing abuse.

The text for Secret, Secret is carefully crafted to use emotive language which children could relate to how they feel about different types of secrets. So the most challenging phrase focuses on a “makes your insides scared and stone-cold” kind of secret without defining what that might be for any given child. The illustration depicts a child huddled in self-protective mode with a toy for comfort, but individual kids would interpret both words and images according to their own world view.

I also sought to create an almost real world; similar to but not quite this one, so that children could enjoy a safe level of remove. The toys – or Dust Bunnies – Lilac and Little Blue were vital for this. Kids know how to talk to a toy, and there’s often a freedom in telling your darkest secrets to an imaginary friend. The threat of the faceless pirate can be a game, or it can represent how menacing adults can be to a child living in fear. Along with a bit of light relief fart humour with a whoopee cushion, this means that children can interpret and rationalise both the text and illustrations to fit their own life. So bottoms, beds, closed doors, fear, guilt, shame, and threat all feature subtly and can communicate to the subconscious, but happiness, joy, adventure, wonder, achievement and pride are there too. Parents who may be less confident discussing the potentially tricky area of disclosure can also help their children think about whether to ‘keep or tell’ secrets. This makes Secret, Secret a lovely bedtime read – especially as kids like to join in with the rhymes.

Having a rhyming mantra which even really young pre-readers could remember was a key part of my planning for the book. Yes there are observable ‘markers’ for abuse which concerned adults may note: changes in personal hygiene; aversion to eye contact; introspection or aggression and ‘acting out’ of frustration; extremes of flinching from contact or having no discernible boundaries regarding nudity and touch, etc. But the only hard and fast rule for child safeguarding is that abusers will go to great lengths to groom for, minimise, deny and hide their abuses. Kids could be targeted at any time in even the most seemingly innocuous circumstances, so messages about their rights to privacy, boundaries and a voice need to be repeated and learned if possible. The very youngest children are the most vulnerable – without school regimes and wider societal ‘norms’ to compare their life to. So I wrote a sing-song rhyme which could fit in with a library story fun-time session or book exploration within a day nursery just as easily as it slots into the primary curriculum.

At the back of the book, I’ve written some notes on the kinds of mental health or emotional issues which the general area of secrecy can give rise to for kids. There is also some advice on what to do if a child discloses more specific issues of abuse, neglect or criminality. Secret, Secret is already being used effectively by specialist child protection Police officers, social workers, charity workers and psychologists. Teachers are incorporating some of the cross-curriculum links within general lessons and also using the book for circle time discussions and subtle safeguarding, as well as leading group reading and literacy work from the rhyming text.

Whether you read the book with a child as part of therapy, prevention work or as a parent keen to open up even the trickiest subjects, Secret, Secret invites children to speak up and give their opinions. The book ends with non-leading questions, so it’s important to maintain that sense of openness for whatever discussions ensue. Children take many cues from how adults react, so whether a child makes a disclosure of inappropriate behaviour or simply wants to talk about which things it’s OK to keep private, we have to bear each developing individual in mind. Support and encouragement – verbally and from stance or facial expressions – can let a child know that they’re safe to talk with you about any subject and that can be the most important step in freeing someone from the burden of a difficult secret which they carry”.

Dr Jules

In my next post I will feature some advice from Daisy Law on what to do when a child discloses abuse. If you are affected by the issues raised in these articles, counselling can help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

This article was originally published at: www.englishinformerinfrance.com/full-article/Secret-Secret-Helping-Children-to-Disclose

As the weather starts to warm up and the days become longer, I feel my darker mood of winter lifting. This is, however, one of the busiest times of year for me in terms of seeing clients. It is also the time of year when the suicide rate is at its highest. Some researchers hypothesize this is because people are engaging with each other more as the weather improves, while others argue that during the winter we expect to feel more alone and depressed, but when those feelings of hopelessness fail to pass with the changing of the seasons, people can start to feel desperate.

Sadly, the World Health Organization estimates that over 800,000 people in the world take their own life each year. When you also consider the devastating effects of suicide on the network of friends and loved ones, it means millions of people suffer, often needlessly.

The suicide rate tends to be highest among young people under 24 and older men, the latter statistic tending to be because men usually use more violent methods to attempt suicide.

If you are worried that someone you know may be suicidal, or you are finding it tough to carry on yourself, here are some signs to look for that might indicate you need to take action:

• The person starts mentioning death, hurting themselves or taking their own life, or they talk about how people would be better off without them.
• They are suffering from depression or prolonged periods of anxiety where sleep is disrupted.
• They display unusual changes in behavior or dramatic mood changes.
• They recently experienced a significant loss or bereavement.
• They are isolated or socially withdrawn.
• They appear to lose interest in self-care, hobbies, social activities or regular daily life.
• They talk about feeling out of control of their life or trapped by their circumstances, such as a marriage that isn’t working, financial worries that are piling up, or stress about forthcoming exams at school.
• They have started to seek out or prepare a means of ending their life, such as stockpiling medications or gaining access to firearms.
• They have started giving away personal possessions or don’t seem interested in longer term plans.

If you or someone you know is potentially considering suicide, there are ways to intervene to minimize the risk, and these include:

• Remove the methods of suicide, such as medications or guns.
• If you suspect someone is suicidal, don’t shut the conversation down or give them the impression you are not taking their thoughts seriously. Ask outright if they are thinking of hurting or killing themselves and what methods they are considering; or if it is you, tell someone you have been thinking about doing it and make sure they hear you. Far from putting ideas into a person’s head, it is commonly agreed that one of the best ways of preventing suicide is to give the person an opening to ask for help.
• If it is a child or teen, don’t be afraid to monitor their internet searches or social media activity.
• Make an informal written contract that commits them to reaching out for help first. The contract should include a five-point plan of things they must do before attempting suicide, and this should include calling agreed phone numbers of those who can be on hand to help.
• Help them to find something that keeps them hanging on when they feel at the point of crisis, be it a piece of music or writing, an item of sentimental value, a companion animal that they feel responsible for, or even just a commitment to get outside and walk or run until they can breathe through the pain.
• Make sure they have a list of people to call, including suicide support services, and if you are seriously concerned make sure they are not left alone.

Often when people think about suicide they call it taking their own life, but it is important to remember that those who are left behind also lose an enormous part of their lives as they struggle through the grief. As winter turns to spring, make sure you take care of your own mental health and look out for those around you who may be struggling.

In closing I thought I would share these lines written by Christopher Bergland (The Athlete’s Way, 2007):

“I’ve been there myself. If you are depressed or suicidal do whatever you have to do to stay vital and get yourself back on track. You were born to be alive. Don’t isolate. Reach out. Ask for help. There will be sunbeams in your soul again. Ride out the storm—but don’t do it alone. People will take care of you. Let them. And make a vow, when you’re back on top, to give something back.”

Dr Jules

If you find feeling overwhelmed or out of control, counselling can help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.
This article was also published on English Informer In France