With divorce being so common these days, many divorces will inevitably involve children. Parents are often preoccupied with their own problems during the divorce process, but need to remember that whatever their differences, the needs of the children are paramount.

Divorce is going to be stressful for the children, and unless the lead up has been characterized by high levels of anger and conflict, the children will most likely prefer that the family stays intact.  There can be self-blame as children can misinterpret divorce as something they are partly responsible for, and in general can feel confused and anxious about the threat to their secure foundations. The transition through divorce can involve strained relationships, reduced contact with one parent, moving home, financial hardship and high levels of conflict. Any of these reasons can lead to increased stress in a child. The length and difficulty of the transition period is entirely up to the parents. The better they can manage the stress and conflict levels, the better the adjustment for the kids.

Most children are resilient enough to make the adjustment without developing emotional or behavioural problems, but there are things the parents can do ease the adjustment to the divorce and new family structure:

• When deciding on the best time to tell the children about the separation, choose a time that allows them to process the information and ask questions before they have to return to school. The start of the school holiday, for example, is better than a Sunday when there is school tomorrow. During the discussion make sure the children hear a non-blaming story with both parents present and talking calmly. It is also important to reassure the children that while their life will be different, it will be okay. If the conflict level between the parents is high, keep it out of this discussion and save it for when the children are not around.

 

• Make sure to shield the children from the uglier sides of the anger and fights, and this includes any snippy or unpleasant comments between the adults. Remember that the children’s future ideas about marriage are being shaped by what they see in the parental relationship. It is also an important opportunity to teach them about managing conflict and painful feelings in a productive and thoughtful way.

 

• This is a period where the couple will ideally seek counselling to ensure they are still able to work as a team and continue the job of co-parenting going forward. There may be two different styles of parenting, but each person will need to accept and negotiate around the differences so that the best interests of the children are paramount. Holding onto grievances and anger is a way of trying to hold onto the connection that the couple once had. Counselling can help to let go of that, and begin the process of moving on.
  

 

• During the process of divorce, it is vital that neither parent uses the children in any way. Kids are not there to offer emotional support, to be messengers or spies, to keep secrets, to choose sides, or to be bargaining chips. Sharing the children can feel very painful, but they deserve a normal childhood where their worries are normal kid worries. Childhood is enough of a job, without managing the stress of two adults who are not getting along. Always remember that it is the parents’ job to manage the stress of the divorce, not the children’s.

 

• Be alert to signs of distress in the children, such as regression in toilet training, increased anxiety, withdrawal or aggressive behaviour, failing grades or acting out at school, or, for teens, trouble in their own relationships and lowered self-esteem. Don’t let anyone label them as children of divorce, they are just like other kids except their parents no longer live together. If a child shows ongoing signs of distress, consider family counselling and evaluation for individual therapy.
  

Remember that while divorce can be a difficult and painful process, grief is not a mental illness. The parents and supporting family can’t shield the children from sadness, but they can help to ease it, and make the transition as positive as it can be for the sake of everyone involved. Children only get one childhood, so work together to see them through it in as loving a way as possible.

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Many of my clients had a difficult childhood, with problems ranging across abuse, neglect, bullying, a parent with alcoholism or mental health issues, absent parents, childhood trauma, illness, violence in the home, poverty or any other kind of serious problem you can think of that could befall a child. Often these stresses were chronic, meaning they repeated over time, rather than being one-off events.

We tend to think that children are resilient and can bounce back from misfortunes, but the people I see in therapy know that it took much more out of them, and they certainly didn’t just rebound once circumstances improved. In therapy they often see these early adversities as the foundation for later difficulties they have experienced in life, and fear they will be ‘stuck’ forever. This need not, however, be the case.

The future has yet to be written and we can always write a better story about ourselves. What I mean by this is we can refuse to accept the way we were defined when we were younger. Many of us grew up believing things that other people said about us, such as ‘I am stupid’, ‘I am a burden to my family’, or ‘I will never amount to anything in life’. As an adult, however, you can develop some inner defiance and decide to refuse to believe this nonsense; you are not the sum total of these narratives, and you can begin to re-write them now you are old enough to know better.

Overcoming the adversities of your childhood is an ongoing process, but like most things, you become better at it the more you practice, and the less you allow yourself to become overwhelmed by the ‘fight or flight’ feelings and anxiety of stepping outside your comfort zone of damage. The more resilient and toughened you become, the more you can seek out new challenges for success, and so it becomes a cycle of recovery. In fact, you can become more successful than others around you BECAUSE of your early adversity and the work you put into becoming greater than the sum of those early parts.
So, what can we all learn about becoming more resilient in the face of life’s difficulties?

• Take on challenges you can overcome, such as learning a new instrument or language, or accepting a task at work that will push you to new levels – any project that will be difficult but not emotionally fraught. This begins the process of practicing for challenges in life that will be harder to face.
• Learn to develop an optimistic and brave outlook. When life knocks you down, as it inevitably will at some point, force yourself to get back up again and see yourself as stronger than you know. You need to be a fighter who never loses hope. Remember, you only need to do things one day at a time, so don’t allow yourself to feel overwhelmed by the tasks ahead.
• Find support. Truly resilient people know when to reach out to those they can trust, or to objective professionals who care and will help you to develop better coping strategies.
• Find areas where you can take control, or begin to feel that you are. Nobody does well when they think they are stuck on a runaway train, so break your challenges down and find any area, however small, where you can make a realistic plan to be more in control, and then work towards it. This will empower you to keep going.
  
• Do not think back to times when you failed or fulfilled those negative narratives about you. Focus instead on times when you did overcome a challenge and think about how you did it. Then figure out how you are going to do that again in the future.
• And finally, take care of yourself on a daily basis. You are the one person you can count on to take good care of you, so don’t let yourself down. Eat mindfully, get enough exercise and sleep, be kind to yourself and when you accomplish something, give yourself a reward!
  

Remember, that many of the most successful and famous people around are some of the most resilient people there are. Research suggests that a majority of these people were raised in families facing severe problems. This doesn’t mean that adversity is desirable, it just means that it doesn’t have to define you, and you may be stronger than you think you are.
Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. Contact me to set up your first free appointment.