Imagine this movie ending: the credits fade as you sail off into the romantic sunset with your French lover and the Eiffel Tower in the background. It sounds incredibly romantic, but as I see in my work as a therapist, there is the sequel to the movie where the woman cuts ties with her own family and culture, while also adjusting to the new language, marriage, in-laws, culture etc. It is an enormous task, and one that requires a great deal of emotional and psychological adjustment.

Of course, there are pluses and minuses of moving overseas for love ….

On the plus side, you don’t want to live with regret about the one that got away, so you pack up your life and decide to embark on an adventure for love, and that’s not a bad thing to do, even if it feels a little irrational. You get to experience a new country, you no longer have to do the long-distance thing, and you learn more about yourself. And of course, you have a chance to build a life with the person you love.

On the darker side, expat spouses can suffer from anxiety, depression and feelings of crisis as they face a lack of identity and independence, and zero friends other than their spouse, who they come to rely on too heavily. She finds she is locked out of work as she doesn’t have the right paperwork yet or her ability to speak French isn’t good enough, and whatever she contributes to the marriage and shared life is often not as high profile as his work. Research suggests that trailing spouses, or those who move for love and the priority of the other person’s career, are the least happy of all expats, often because they have given up careers for the move and lack financial independence, and maybe it is tough for them to find work at a level they are used to. Some of the women I have worked with can also feel trapped once they have children, especially if the marriage isn’t going so well and the options for leaving become limited.

Even if the move goes well, there will undoubtedly be days when you ask yourself why you did this, and it can put a strain on the relationship. So, if you are considering moving for love, or are trying to find ways to cope with a move you already made, here are some tips from expats that might help:

• Remember that you made the move for you and the relationship, and not just for him, so don’t be tempted to blame him or harbor resentment when things aren’t going well, or say things like “I moved here for you!” It is important to be honest with each other as it will be easier for him, it is his country after all, and he likely already has friends and family here, plus he doesn’t stand out as different every time he speaks. His support and understanding are therefore critical, and this initial period will be a good test of the strength of your relationship.
• Go into this adventure knowing upfront that you will be dependent on your partner for months, or maybe even the first year or so as you establish yourself in your new life.
• Build a support system where you are and make it a mix of expats who share your culture, as well as French people who can help you to adjust to the new life.
• Develop some independence as you would do in a marriage in your own country, e.g., an ability to drive or get around, find your own interest groups, make your own friends, develop some training or work , not just for financial security, but to boost your confidence and remind you that you are a capable person who can bring new experiences to the relationship.
• Money – it may be the first time you have been without the means to make your own money, or maybe you left a good career and don’t see the same possibilities here in France where you feel stuck with the option of teaching English. It can be tough as a woman to change your narrative of yourself and feel less independent when it comes to finances. Be open to trying new work options and don’t give up as you might discover skills and possibilities you hadn’t considered before. If you are finding it tough to get work due to not having the right qualifications or fluency in the language, consider going back to school here so you can improve in both areas. And if possible, move to France with some savings and think about what you would do in a worst-case scenario of the relationship ending if you needed money to survive or return to your home country.
• Learn the language so you can assimilate, but don’t be afraid to take language breaks as there will be times when speaking and hearing French just becomes a big headache and you long to relax into your native tongue for a change.
• Have a regular schedule of Skype or video calls home and ease your transition by planning trips back, as well as welcoming friends and family to come and stay. Tell them to be prepared for you to feel down sometimes, it can’t all be a fairy tale all the time and that’s okay.
  
• Don’t be afraid to show the mix of cultures in your home life. There are only so many croissants and baguettes you can eat, and maybe opening your Christmas presents on Christmas eve while you tuck into oysters just seems downright weird to you. It’s okay to negotiate how you bring your own food and culture into the home, just as you would if it was a mixed marriage back in your country of origin. And if you have children, it is good for them to grow up knowing the culture of both sides of their family.  I can recall meeting people in America who grew up with an English parent and therefore developed a taste for Marmite for example! See it as an enriching experience to grow your marriage around both of you, and don’t lose yourself and your identity in the heady rush of the new relationship.
• And finally, find ways over time to develop a positive relationship with France. Explore the country and culture to find things about it you enjoy, be it art, food, history etc., otherwise your relationship with your spouse may not be enough to sustain you over time. If you love him but hate France it will only cause you increasing stress, and that will impact the relationship, unless he is also wanting to make a change of country and share a new adventure with you.
  

At the end of the day, if you are really struggling and realize you can never be a Francophile, then don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about your worries and maybe seek the help of a therapist to help you cope and make some decisions. There are plenty of expats in the same position as you, and you can network with them through social sites such as Facebook which hosts groups like ‘Married to a French Man’. It certainly might help to hear that other people are struggling with the same issues as you. Bonne chance!

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Working with clients in France, I am increasingly aware of the struggles many people face here. While people who move abroad looking for a better life or a new adventure often do find the happiness they seek, it is important to know that there can be tough days for all of us, and some people find it more challenging than others. I have lived in several different countries (including Japan, America and now France) so I can easily relate to the stories I hear. Phrases I often hear from clients include “I feel like an outsider”, “I feel trapped”, “I feel isolated” or “I feel lost”.

According to a survey by Internations (https://www.internations.org/expat-insider/2016/common-expat-problems), there are common problems experienced by people living overseas, and these include worrying about finances, adjusting to a different culture, coping with the language barrier, and dealing with changes in your relationship with your partner.

Obviously, we all experience problems in our daily lives such as having a bad day at work or not getting along with our spouse. Talking about your problems doesn’t mean you are being weak or negative, it just means you are dealing with the realities of life. These times are made more bearable though, by having a caring support system around you, and once you become an expat you often find that support system shrinking.

So, the point of my post today is to let you know that there is no shame in feeling that you are not coping well with your life in a new country, in fact these kinds of struggles are common. With Brexit looming many people are finding these issues are intensified as they face difficult decisions about staying or going back to the U.K., and all the while a new wave of people in Britain are considering leaving before the Brexit deadline to start that new life in a place in the sun.

If you are struggling at all, then reach out to your support system or consider talking to someone such as a professional counsellor. I offer a free 20 minutes where we can chat to decide if I am the right person to help you, and if not, I can direct you to the appropriate resources.

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

This article was originally published for my column at English Informer in France

When we first get together with a new partner we often want to spend all our time together, perhaps at the expense of other relationships and obligations. This tends to settle down into a routine after we make a commitment to each other, and gradually we work our couple time around work and family life, perhaps to the point where we feel we sometimes feel like ships passing in the night.

As I now work in France, I see plenty of couples who have made the big move to live overseas, and often a driving factor is their desire to start a new shared adventure, and perhaps rediscover some of that quality time together that was lost in the hustle and bustle of daily life in the UK. However, the grass is not always greener on the other side, as leaving behind the old routine with family, work and friends, forces couples to spend more time together than they have been used to, and this can bring its own conflicts.

While we may think that spending more time together on building a shared dream will be blissful, it can in fact bring new stress; and it’s okay to admit that maybe it isn’t as great as you were expecting it to be. When you are also dealing with a new culture, new language, lack of social support and challenges in finding work or renovating a house, then that’s an enormous amount of stress for anyone to take on. So how can you protect your relationship in the midst of all these changes?

• Acknowledge if you each need different amounts of time together. One of you might crave more time together while the other needs some independence. This might be due to your differing attachment styles, or the level of reassurance you need amidst all the changes. Either way, it is okay to be open about your differences.
• Open up communication and talk about what each person needs and how those needs can be met so that you both feel you are devoting enough time to the relationship.
• Time apart can be healthy. You don’t need to paddle the boat together, sometimes it is better to paddle two boats side by side. Try to make space in the relationship where you each go out and develop a new interest or make some new friends so that you remain a whole and healthy person who brings something interesting and positive to the relationship.
• Keep some quality couple time together on the calendar. Make sure you have time off regularly to dress up and go out to do something romantic and fun. It is too easy to be consumed by your new life of renovation and work and forget that you were romantic partners and lovers before you became a team. Don’t lose sight of what drew you together in the first place.
• You came to this new place to take on a shared adventure, so make sure that you check in with each other on how that vision is developing. Are you both still finding it fulfilling or is one of you struggling? Are you documenting your achievements so you can see how far you have come? If the dream isn’t working out for one of you, what can you do as a couple to remedy that? Sometimes one partner finds they need more time back in the UK with friends and family, or they need more support to become better integrated into their new life. Regardless, the key is to keep talking and to work it out together.
• If you find you are struggling to make it work, then consider seeing a therapist together before the problems become terminal. It is far better to do some relationship maintenance while you are still communicating reasonably well, than to wait until too many hurt feelings have been stored up.
  

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

This week I feature a reader question from a young person who moved to France with his mother:

Dear Dr Jules
My mum is a single parent and I am 15. I was happy with my life and school in the UK, but Mum wanted to move to France, always. We moved a couple of months ago. I have no friends and she doesn't. I hate the school cos my French is not great and I was getting ready for exams. My life is a mess and she is not happy. Already money is hard for her. I know we can't afford to move back as we have no-one there. But now I am starting to resent her. 

Hi there
Thank you for reaching out to ask for help. You are understandably frustrated with your situation, and possibly feeling somewhat out of control, which is never a comfortable place to be.

Moving to a new country is a huge step for anyone, as you leave behind everything that is familiar and encounter a new language and culture. Facing all the challenges of a big move is tough enough for anyone, but particularly when you are 15, and there are some good reasons for that.

When we are in the adolescent stage of life we have some vital developmental tasks to accomplish. Primarily this centers around forming strong friendships with our peers who are becoming more important in our life, while at the same time we start to pull away from our family as we need to become more emotionally and psychologically independent from them. And while all of that is going on, we know we should be focusing on school and figuring out who we are and what we want to be in life. It is an incredibly confusing and demanding time and unsurprisingly, therefore, few of us remember our teens as an easy period.

In your case, you have some complicating factors added in. You don’t yet have any close friends in France, and your mum is also isolated, so you are both forced to depend on each other more than you might want to. You are also having to navigate a new school system in a language you don’t yet fully understand, and at a time in your education where the pressure is starting to build. No wonder you are feeling resentful, and that your mum is in the firing line for all your pent-up feelings.
Whether you both stay in France longer term is something to be decided, but in the meantime, there are some things you can focus on to help you feel more in control:

• Find other British kids who are growing up in France. They can be a great source of support and help you navigate the French system. Eventually you will make French friends, but in the meantime, find some people your own age who have been there and done it already. You need a peer group around you, and although that group will likely change as you develop, having at least one part of your life be normal will be a step forward.
• Know that the process of adapting to your new life is going to take time, and don’t feel bad because you are finding it tough. It might well take you a few years to get to grips with the language, and possibly you will be set back in your education while you catch up with that to at least the point where you can function in French, even if you are never 100% perfect in it. I see many young people in France who moved here later in their education, and I am always amazed by them and their ability to move between the two worlds of being both British and French. Certainly they do a much better job of it than those of us who move here as adults!
• Have a little empathy for your mum and recognize that she has her own transition to make, and will need time to figure out the challenges she is facing. Just because we are adults doesn’t mean we have it all figured it out. This is a time for you to support each other and talk about your concerns, rather than retreat into your own space and shut each other out.
• Be aware that in time you will become increasingly adapted to, and engaged in the larger French society beyond your family and the local expats, but for now it is a matter of baby steps and being easy on yourself when you find it challenging and frustrating.
  

The processes of assimilation and acculturation are always challenging, particularly if you don’t feel it was a choice that was totally under your control. The good news is that you have the opportunity to develop into a bilingual/bicultural young person who is better equipped to function in a multicultural world, and that process will increase your resilience as well as your skill-set. So hang in there, give your mum a hug and talk together about the opportunities your life here could offer. Know also that there is support such as Counselling if either of you needs it.

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. Please contact me for more information.

This week, I heard from someone who is struggling with some aspects of living far away from family.

Saying Goodbye Never Gets Easier

Dear Dr Jules,

It is the end of the summer holiday and I feel so sad. My family have all returned to the UK after a lovely visit. I know they have their own lives and that I cannot afford to join them, but I can't stand the pain each time we part.

Hi there,

I feel your pain on this one. I lived in America for fifteen years and only got to see my family during the summer holidays when we would fly back to Europe. The first time we said goodbye it was unbearable and I thought it would get easier, but it never did. Eventually I gave up a good career and moved to France so I could be around family again, and yet each time I approach the train station that we used to leave from I still feel that panic rising along with the memories of all the separations.

Family is so important to you and that is a gift you must not underestimate. Here are some tips I learned along the way that might help you to cope with the separation a little more easily:

• Start planning the next time that you will be together and enjoy the process of looking forward rather than looking back. Get some dates in the diary so you have that to work towards.
• Remind yourself that today you are one day closer to being together than you were yesterday.
• Invite your family to collect all the photos of the summer and burn them onto some CDs to share, or better yet create a photo album of this last time together. You could create a library of these memory books that you all look at when you are together so you remember the fun times.
• Set up regular times to chat on the phone or via video link such as Skype so you can stay in touch with each other’s daily lives.
• Get busy at home. Do you work, or do you have projects at home, or groups you are involved with? Maybe you need to expand your social circle by getting out more or volunteering? Whatever it is that keeps you occupied during the day, make sure you are filling up your diary with things you need to be doing so that you are less focused on what you are missing, and more absorbed with putting your energy into the life you have created for yourself.
• Next time your family leaves, make sure you have something planned to look forward to straight away, such as lunch at a favorite restaurant after you drop them at the ferry port, or a get together with good friends.

Saying goodbye is never easy but it is survivable. If you ultimately decide that the pull of family is too great, then that may one day be something you all need to discuss as a family. In the meantime, enjoy the moments you have together and the memories you are making, they are something to treasure.

Dr Jules

If you are feeling that you are struggling to cope or gain perspective, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgmental space to work through your problems. For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person 

This article was also posted at English Informer In France.

When we first get together with our partner or spouse, we believe that love will conquer all. In most marriages and committed relationships however, there are areas of difference on which there will never be total agreement, and these can threaten to tear the relationship apart.

The life of an ex-pat (I dislike the phrase, so if you do too please just insert whichever word you prefer) is inherently filled with emotions that conflict: sometimes we are smitten with the new country and its culture, its ability to fulfill our passion for adventure, and other times we long for the familiarity of home with family, friends and a language we can slot into without effort. When these opposing emotions are equally divided in a couple so that one spouse is the adventurer and the other longs to return to the home country, it will inevitably be a source of conflict. I see this often with British couples in France where it is the wife who is missing children and loved ones back home and finds her role in France less defined, while her husband has a work life and the social contact that goes with it. If there is a house renovation project involved this can heighten the conflict as the compromised living situation and dwindling savings add to the stress in the relationship.

So how do you solve the problem? The easy answer is to throw in the towel and divorce; “irreconcilable differences” is after all one of the commonly cited reasons to end a marriage. The tougher solution is to put the relationship first and come up with a compromise that keeps you together. Marriages are fraught with many challenges, and it is how we face these challenges that can make us stronger as a couple. Some tips to help you are:

• Communication is key. Not discussing problems and instead simmering in anger and resentment is highly destructive. If you have hurt feelings that’s okay, talk about it, listen and acknowledge how each other feels. Make time regularly to sit together and talk calmly, and resolve to discuss. Even if you know you won’t necessarily solve your problem, keeping those lines of communication open is vital.
  
• Remember that all couples argue, and that’s okay. The marriage is strengthened when we learn to reconcile our differences with each other.
  
• Remember also that every marriage has areas on which the couple will never agree. Research suggests that even the happiest couples have on average ten areas of irreconcilable differences, but whether it’s about sex, money, parenting or where you live, the skills you use to manage the differences are more important than the solutions you come up with.
• Make it our problem rather than your problem. This helps you move from blaming each other to facing the issue together.
  

When you are torn between two countries as a couple, ultimately there is not a one-size fits all solution. I have seen many compromises such as moving back to the UK together, one spouse going back to the UK more often, finding a way to feel happier and more invested in the new country, or even moving to yet another country that you both agree on as a new adventure. Know that this is an area of conflict you can solve together if you are willing to put the work in, and ultimately it is about compromise and learning to bend rather than break. As marriage researcher Dr John Gottman reminds us:

           “Compromise never feels perfect. Everyone gains something and everyone loses something… the important thing is feeling understood,
           respected, and honored in your dreams.” (https://www.gottman.com/blog/exercise-the-art-of-compromise/).

Dr Jules

If you are facing a challenge in your relationship and can’t see a way forward, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgmental space to learn to work together. For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person - Julie Askew PhD 


This article was featured on English Informer in France