Dr Jules - Counselling & Psychotherapy
  • Home
  • About Julie
  • About Counselling
  • Couples Therapy
  • Practicalities
  • Testimonials
  • Blog
  • Contact

Techniques for Successful Relationships: Learning to Make Emotional Connections

7/12/2018

0 Comments

 
In my last blog post, I focused on the need for couples to create and maintain emotional connection with each other. Part of the way we do this is by making regular Bids for Connection where we attempt to get the other person’s attention and some positive interaction. We don’t often indicate this desire by saying “Hey, let’s connect”, instead we tend to use more subtle methods such as sighing, touching, messaging a link to an article the other person will find interesting, or wanting to talk about our day.

What all these attempts are saying is “I really want your attention, I want to feel a connection with you, and I hope you will respond positively by showing some interest in me”.

Sadly, if we fail to respond to our partner, or we don’t respond in a positive way, then we send the message that we don’t care. This concept is the same with our children too by the way, only they often up the stakes by behaving badly so that we cannot fail to give them our attention!

Couples researcher John Gottman, who developed this concept, observed in one study that couples who were still married after six years made successful bids for connection 86% of the time, while couples who had divorced in this period only tended to do this 33% of the time.

Gottman tells us there are three ways we can respond to bids for attention:
  1. We can turn AWAY from the person, ignore them or change the subject.
  2. We can turn AGAINST the person, and say something critical or undermining.
  3. We can turn TOWARDS the person, and give them the positive response they are looking for.

In his research, Gottman observed that happy couples turn towards their partners approximately twenty times more than couples in distress during every day discussions.

So, if your partner is wanting to connect with you by seeking your attention, then give it to them. If they want to share a moment with you because you are on their mind, then be soft and meet them in that place, don’t shoot them down, ignore them or leave them feeling bad. Every time you turn towards your partner’s bids for emotional connection, you are making a deposit in what Gottman calls your Emotional Bank Account, and your relationship is ideally a constant long-term investment in that account.

A strong relationship is made up of a million little instances where you showed care and attention for each other. None of these will cost you much in terms of time or energy, but they will collectively build over time to create an emotional connection that will reward you for years to come.

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.
0 Comments

    Categories

    All
    Anger
    Anxiety
    Betrayal
    CBT
    Child Abuse
    Children
    Couples
    Couples Therapy
    Depression
    Divorce
    Domestic Violence
    Dreams
    Eating Disorders
    Expat Issues
    Grief
    Happiness
    Hope
    Isolation
    Mental Health
    New Years Resolutions
    OCD
    Phobias
    Positive Thinking
    Resilience
    Self Esteem
    Sex
    Shyness
    Sleep
    Stress
    Suicide
    Worry

    Archives

    July 2020
    June 2019
    May 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    September 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Home
  • About Julie
  • About Counselling
  • Couples Therapy
  • Practicalities
  • Testimonials
  • Blog
  • Contact