As any parent will know, the period between about 12 and 18 years of age is where kids start to become more emotional, more sassy, more aware of wanting to fit in with their peers, more independent and generally more of a challenge to live with as their hormones start to rage.

Characteristics that we commonly see in children of this age include: novelty seeking, being easily bored, pushing the boundaries and testing the limits, as well as a need for more sleep as brains and bodies grow quickly! Social engagement with their friends is paramount, and we also see emotional intensity which includes moodiness as well as exuberance and vitality. Teens can have highly creative minds, out of the box thinking, and unique ways of looking at the world and problems, which is a positive thing when we are wanting to include them in decisions about consequences for their mis-behaviours!

We, of course, want our teens to start learning to use adult logic, but for their longer-term development we also want them to start using their emotions intelligently.

As our teenage children pull away from us and start to individuate, we need to stay connected to them. They stop looking at parents as the managers of their life and see them as more of a consultant they can bounce ideas off. If we don’t get it right, however, they will fire us from the job.

Ideas for learning to parent effectively with your teenager include:

• As good emotion coaches we accept our teen’s emotions, whether they be moody, angry, devastated or excited. We don’t want to criticise their emotions or belittle them or dismiss them as this will shut our child down and make them not want to talk to us.
• Even if you can’t accept or approve of your teen’s latest look, emphasise that you accept and approve of him or her as a person. This is a time of experimentation when your child is starting to figure out who he or she is, so the purple hair or ripped jeans may not be to your taste, but it’s a phase we all go through. Don’t try to emulate their latest look or behaviour to be cool by the way, it doesn’t allow your teen to individuate and will likely not make them feel closer to you!
• Allow your teen to make unwise decisions but not unsafe ones. So, not managing their schedule well is something they need to learn from but jumping off the bridge with their friends is not okay.
• Review the things you focus on all the time such as how they clean up their room or how badly they eat, as you can become a nag they just want to block out. Also try not to pick on your teen’s character; if your kid isn’t sporty or musical like you then don’t push it, accept who your child is becoming, even if it is a different person to the vision you had for him or her.
• Know that while whining is annoying in a child, it is often about the child either wanting help with something or not understanding the emotions they are feeling.
• Flipping your lid – losing it with your kid can happen to all of us, when we flood with many emotions all at once such as anger, fear and frustration. When this happens, all our rational and problem-solving skills are gone, in fact we can’t even hear properly. We must step back at this point and calm down; we have to demonstrate that we are capable of self-soothing so we can teach our kid this valuable skill when they need it. Then once we are calm, we need to repair what has happened. To do this you need to apologise to your child and then each of you needs to listen to the other’s perspective and problem solve together.

The steps of emotion coaching our teens are:

1. Be aware of your child’s emotions, tune in to what it is they are feeling by looking at their face and body language. Be aware of your own emotions too as you want to be calm when you open a discussion.
2. Use this as an opportunity to connect, so if there is a need for a discussion you might start by offering some reassurance or a hug and inviting them to talk.
3. Label the emotions so your child can understand what they are feeling. Help them begin to tune into their body and see that you are understanding, e.g., “You seem frustrated” or “I can see you feel really bad.”
4. Display empathy and understanding. Sometimes to understand we need to ask open ended questions, such as “Tell me what is going on for you?” or “Describe to me what it was like to make that decision?”. You need to step into your child’s shoes and remember how you felt at that age rather than looking at things from your adult standpoint. Tell them you understand their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.
5. Set limits. If there is a misbehaviour there will need to be a consequence, so the child learns about responsibility. This is a problem-solving exercise, so the consequence should be logical, not “you will never drive the car again” or “you will clean out the cat litter for the next month”. Involve your child in problem solving how they will learn from this experience in an effective way, what does he or she think would be an appropriate way of dealing with this in terms of a consequence? For example, if your son damages the car, maybe he could not only be limited in when and where he can drive, but he could take a part time job in addition to doing some voluntary tasks in the community to work off his debt to you. This teaches him responsibility and gives him time for reflection.

​Being a teenager is a tough time in human development, but with a shift in our parenting techniques we can launch emotionally intelligent young people into their adult lives and keep a close relationship with each other after our baby has left home.

Recently I was talking with someone who is having disturbing dreams, as he wants to understand why he is having them and what he can do to stop them. He also wanted to see if I could help him interpret what the dreams are about. While I am not a specialist in analyzing dreams, it got me thinking about dreams in general. We all have dreams (humans and animals alike), even if we don’t remember them, and they are of such significance to our ability to function well that scientists around the world study the mechanics and purpose of dreaming, and have started exploring how to manipulate our dream states to help with sleep disorders and mental health problems.

So why do we dream? No one has yet been able to provide a clear reason, but we do know that dreams are a way that the mind has of working through difficult experiences and feelings. Dreaming also seems to be an important part of memory processing, uniting past and present information that the brain has absorbed while preparing for the future. In general, paying attention to our dreams can give us insight into what is preoccupying us, and to who we are.

Dreams are part of how the brain processes what has been happening to us in our daily lives, and as such the majority of people we dream about are known to us in person or by their role. We also tend to dream about things that are related to us, such as our jobs or hobbies. Sometimes we dream about things immediately after they happen, but at other times there is a time-lag and the consolidation of memories happens with incomplete fragments that appear over time, much as if the brain were piecing together a jigsaw puzzle.

There are different kinds of dreams, such as nightmares, which are frightening dreams that can cause us to wake up or be fearful of going to sleep; recurring dreams which contain a repeating pattern; and lucid dreams, where brain activity is unusually high and we are aware that we are dreaming and can manipulate what we are dreaming about.

Just a with sleep, dreaming can be disrupted, and can be an indication of physical or mental health problems. Drugs and alcohol can alter our dream pattern for example, while people who are depressed are more likely to have nightmares. In fact, the relationship between dreaming and depression is particularly interesting, as people who are depressed tend to have excessive REM sleep, likely because they are more given to cognitive introspection and are more highly autonomically aroused, and dreams are linked to autonomic arousal. Excessive dreaming can be exhausting for the mind and body, and so some anti-depressant medication reduces dream sleep. This is a good reason why it is important to keep active and not give in to the urge to curl up and sleep when you are depressed.

It is not all bad news though, as dreams can be a rich source of creativity, providing inspiration for novel ideas or problem solving. Some people find it helpful to keep a pen and paper next to the bed so they can record their dreams immediately upon waking and take full advantage of the insight they gain from their brain activity while sleeping.

Dreams can be disturbing, enlightening, comforting and puzzling, but they are always fascinating insights into who we are, where we have been, and perhaps where we are going. Pay attention to your dreams and see what you learn about yourself.

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.