As featured on English Informer In France and on the Dr Jules slot on Ex-Pat Radio, this week we discuss research on signs of distress in couple relationships, and what you can do about it:

Four Signs Your Relationship Could Be In Trouble

This week I wanted to focus on relationships and ways that couples can stay happy and connected to each other. Sometimes couples can enter into destructive patterns of behavior with each other and recognizing those patterns is the first step to solving the problem. John Gottman, PhD, is a researcher specializing in the science of successful couple relationships, and he has identified four destructive behaviors that can be predictors of divorce; he has labelled these The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Often when we engage in these behaviors it can seem as if we are constantly fighting about nothing, and it can leave us feeling exhausted and less invested in our relationship. The Four Horsemen are:

Criticism

This is when you phrase your concerns about the relationship as problems or faults in your partner, so you seem to be attacking their character rather than their behavior. Examples of this include saying things like “You really annoy me when you do that” or “Why didn’t you take out the trash last night, you can be so lazy?”

Why is criticism a concern? It makes the other person feel they are the problem, and inevitably it will lead to our next Horseman, which is:

Defensiveness

When you feel attacked, sometimes you attack back, or you get whiney. You want to make out you are innocent and you need to find some way to deflect, so you turn the tables, make excuses and match the other person’s complaint with one of your own. “Oh yeah, well maybe I would take the trash out if you would bother to empty the dishwasher once in a while!” You can see how this quickly escalates in to a fight and bad feeling on both sides.

Stonewalling

Our third Horseman is the one who stops responding and turns away. They cut off communication and stop speaking for a while, sometimes for days. This leaves the other partner feeling ignored and deeply frustrated, and can lead to repeated attempts to re-engage, sometimes by escalating things until there is no choice but to respond. Interestingly this is a gendered response, as it is more often men who stonewall. Research suggests men do this because they feel overwhelmed or ‘flooded’ by emotions and are unable to think clearly. They may also be using this time to dwell on negative thoughts about their partner and the relationship, which makes it harder to move on.

Contempt

This is the particularly concerning Horseman as it shows one person is taking a position of superiority over the other. Examples of contempt include mocking the other person, eye rolling, sneering, sarcasm, name calling and insults, and often correcting the other person to make it seem as though they are incapable or less intelligent. If you find yourself doing this on a regular basis, it is time to make some changes.

So what can we do to improve our relationship if we find The Four Horsemen are present in our lives? Here are some tried and tested tips straight from couple’s therapy:

• Use a gentle approach when you want to complain about something your partner is doing. Don’t steam in there, come at it slowly and pick your moment.
  
• Use ‘I’ language, which means instead of saying “you, you, you” all the time, phrase a positive request about a specific behavior that your partner can easily change, for example: “I really prefer when the toilet seat is left down, so if that is possible it would be great”
  
• Take responsibility for things you are doing that your partner doesn't like, and think about what you can change to help the relationship. When we care for the other person’s needs we are ultimately contributing to our own happiness too.
  
• Talk about your feelings and your needs so the other person knows where you are and doesn't have to guess
  
• Take time to focus on the other person’s positive qualities and what you appreciate about them, and tell them! We all have faults, but dwelling on them doesn't lead to happiness
  
• If you are finding your feelings overwhelming when you are in a conflict with each other, then take a time out. Leave the room and calm yourself down, reflect on what your emotions and thoughts are right now, and what led to the escalation. When you are calm and have it figured out, you can go back and re-engage your partner again.
  

Happy relationships can stand a little Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling, but when they are ongoing and joined by their friend Contempt, this is a high predictor that your relationship is in trouble and may end. Constant investment in your relationship is crucial, so don’t leave the decision to enter into therapy until The Four Horsemen are galloping through your relationship and trampling it into oblivion!

Dr Jules

If you are feeling concerned about your relationship, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgmental space to begin to repair and move forward.

For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person  

Migration is extremely stressful as it makes you a legal alien, where everything is new and different. For this article I answered a question about moving to France, although much of the information could be applied to any country you are thinking of moving to. Find the original article here: http://www.englishinformerinfrance.com/full-article/Should-we-move-to-France

Should we move to France?

Dear Dr Jules
We are thinking of moving to France later this year. We have been there for holidays over the years and always loved it, and now the kids are independent and doing their own thing we think it is time to follow our dream. What do you think?

Hi there,
Many of us dream of finding our place in the sun, inspired by TV shows and holidays. We feel tired of the old routines and start to look at life in the UK as too stressful and expensive, and as a life we long to break free of. So is moving to another country such as France the answer? Sometimes it can be, but it is a major decision and not one to be taken lightly. 

You might remember that song by Sting "Englishman in New York" where he keeps repeating the phrase "I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien". These are words to remember as you weigh up your decision, because you will indeed experience a prolonged period of being an outsider when you move, and this can lead to symptoms of stress such as poor sleep and an increase in consumption (food, alcohol, cigarettes, etc). Being an outsider means not understanding the language, the customs, the culture and the rules. France is famous for its red tape and excessive bureaucracy, with laws changing all the time and many people find it a headache to make progress with everything from obtaining healthcare to getting the phone line switched on. If you are also planning on taking on some renovation work, you could be taking on yet more stress. Restoring an old barn might sound romantic, but will you still be in love with the project when you are living in chaos for longer than expected and going well over budget? 

The list of potential pitfalls in migration is extensive, and I don't want to scare you off completely by going into more of them.

If you still want to make the move, then here is some helpful advice:

    * Do your homework well in advance of moving. If you plan to work in France, is there work or demand in your field? Whether you want to be self employed or seek a job locally, be aware there are many hoops to jump through, and unemployment in France is still a problem. Many migrants find themselves working long hours, working several jobs at once or being stretched well outside of their normal skill set in order to make ends meet. Life in France is no longer as cheap as you might imagine. Make a list of all the things you will need from finances, buying a car, enrolling your kids in school, getting WiFi in your home, to obtaining planning permission for a building renovation, and spend the time figuring everything out before you hand in your notice and start packing your bags.

    * Social support is a vital immunizer against stress, so make sure you have a strong support network both at home and in your new location. Get all your friends and family on Skype and make it easy to stay in touch regularly. Plan your first few trips back and get folks pencilled in to come and visit. Equally, before your move find local groups in France where you can meet new people, join sports clubs, get involved with the community. In short, do not allow yourselves to become isolated.

    * Learn the language. Life in another country is daunting enough, but even more so if you can't accomplish the simplest thing such as a shopping trip. If you move to France without some French ability you will quickly find yourself totally reliant on English speaking services and the ex-pat community, which again pushes you towards isolation and increased stress.

    * Take care of your marriage or relationship. I see many couples over in France who are not used to spending as much time together as they do now, plus they are coping with increased stress levels for all the reasons I have been discussing here. Make sure your relationship is in a good place and that both of you are equally committed to the move and new adventures (are there grandchildren on the horizon and what will you feel about not seeing them regularly?). If you are not both on the same page, then perhaps it is better to take a step back and work on the relationship before you make plans.

    * Once you have done all the homework and made the move, remind yourself regularly that migration is tough and that you will be pushed outside of your comfort zone. Sure it might feel easier at times to give up and run home, and in the short term that might indeed seem like the best decision. Remind yourself of why you made the move and what you are striving for in the long term and know that the first weeks, months and even couple of years will inevitably be tough. It is just a piece of time and you are capable of surviving.

    * When you realize that feeling stressed and emotionally bruised is normal, then set yourself small achievable goals and stick with them until you get there. When you get setbacks, see it is a personal challenge to be more creative and find another way: there is always a Plan B! Work together as a team if you are with a partner, and see the challenges as a way to strengthen your relationship. 

Moving to France and migrating is a big step. It is a beautiful country steeped in a rich culture and history, so do your homework and make sure it becomes a dream and not a nightmare. 
Dr Jules

If you are finding it tough to cope with life in France, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgemental space to relieve stress and restore coping skills.

For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person  

Sometimes we find ourselves worrying about things that are out of our control. For the English Informer In France I was asked to write an article that focused on Brexit, the referendum on whether the UK will remain as part of the European Union or not. The article touches on some aspects of anxiety and what we can do to control it. You can find the original article here: http://www.englishinformerinfrance.com/full-article/Brexit-has-us-worried

Brexit has us worried

Dear Dr Jules

My husband and I are in our 60s and increasingly feeling worried about the Brexit vote in June. It feels like it is all we see on the news and all people are talking about. It could have a lot of major repercussions for us financially and otherwise, so we have started talking seriously about whether we should be making plans to move back to the UK. Any advice please?

Hi there,

Well I am sure this Brexit vote has a lot of people worried, not least those like yourselves who are already living in the European Union and relying on existing financial and other arrangements that could be subject to change.

But here’s the thing: there are situations in life we can control, and those we cannot. Politicians and their power games are beyond our control, as is the media, so I would strongly suggest you limit your daily dose of exposure to both. What can we control? Well we can exercise our democratic right to a vote, we can calmly make lists of contingency plans for each item such as pension rights that might change, and we can focus on what is enjoyable to us each day and then put our energy in that direction.

Anxiety is not the best state to live your life in, so it is important we don’t let it control us. Don’t over-estimate how responsible you are for the way things in life work out. Generally we make the best decisions we can based on the evidence available to us at the time, and at this point in time there is little evidence that is reliable for any of us over the Brexit situation. We can spend our lives worrying about ‘What ifs’ and not enough time enjoying what we have in front of us. So my suggestion is to enjoy the life you have made in France and if something happens that will force you to review that situation in future, then know that you are smart enough and resilient enough to figure it out when you have to.

Dr Jules

If you are anxious and can’t see a way forward, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgemental space to explore your options.

For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person  

This week's article on English Informer in France looks at the dilemma of looking for love when many of the usual avenues for meeting a partner seem closed. You can find the original article here: http://www.englishinformerinfrance.com/full-article/Looking-for-love

Dear Dr Jules

My husband passed away four years ago. I am 68 and living alone in a quiet village in France where we moved together, and increasingly I feel lonely and wonder about looking for love and another relationship. However, I am a more old fashioned lady and don’t believe in dating websites, nor do I like to go places like pubs alone. I don’t have many friends. Can you help?

Hi there,

I imagine you must indeed feel lonely. You have had a lot to deal with in losing your husband and I wonder where you found support during that time? You must be a very strong lady to have got through that and stayed living in a foreign country where you are fairly isolated. I would be interested to find out what resources you have that got you through and made you so resilient? The reason I ask is that this is what will help you move onto the next stage of your life … that is moving forward and deciding how to paint the blank canvas that you now have before you.

Take some time to think about what you want that picture to look like. Do you imagine a wider social circle, hobbies or voluntary work, a relationship? Decide what would make the next stage of your life meaningful and satisfying. Finding love might be part of that dream, and if it is then you will need to find a way to connect with more people so that you can create the opportunity to meet someone. People tend to find love in many different places, sometimes through their existing social group, or work, or through mutual interests, or increasingly as we lead busy lives through the internet. While I understand the last option is not so appealing for you, it is maybe worth considering, even if it is just finding online groups to expand your social network. I wonder if you have thought about finding classes in a subject you are interested to learn, or maybe you could get involved in organizing meetups for anything from reading groups to seed swaps? You might be surprised to find how many other people are looking for ways to fill their time and get out there to socialize.

The bottom line is to know you are a valuable person with a great deal of life still to live and enjoy. Fill your life with interests and people you like having around you, and then you will start to create the right environment for a new relationship to come along. I wish you much luck on your journey!

Dr Jules

If you are feeling stuck with your life and can’t see a way forward, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgmental space to explore your options. Contact me to request an initial free chat on the phone or Skype to consider if counselling is for you.