Recently I heard from a lady who is in a difficult relationship. She has been verbally abused by her partner for some time, but lately that abuse has become physical violence. She doesn’t have any family close by and is unsure whether she should stay, or risk leaving without a definite place to go to. In this situation, should a woman stay or go?

On the face of it, the answer is simple, she should get out.

However, people who have been in abusive relationships know that it is often not that easy. There are financial and emotional factors that hold you together, and quite often there are children, property, family and social ties that convince you it is worth hanging in there and giving it another chance. It might also feel shameful to admit the truth of what is going on in your relationship, or maybe you believe on some level that you have contributed to the violent behavior you are experiencing. You may also think that your partner still loves you and doesn’t mean to hurt you. And what if there are children that you don’t want to disrupt, or pets that you don’t want to leave behind, or maybe you don’t live anywhere near a domestic shelter and don’t have anyone that might take you in if you can’t afford a place of your own?

I have seen women going through these dilemmas time and again. Unfortunately, when you are living overseas the situation can be even more complicated as your family and close friends are in another country, and taking children with you can cause all kinds of legal and custody disputes, which the woman might not be financially equipped to fight. The following illustrates some of the reasons why women stay in violent and abusive relationships:




From: https://sites.google.com/site/aright2bsafe/

So, in our case example, should she stay or should she go? Here are some important things to keep in mind:

• Women, and men, in this situation need to know that you should never live in fear of the person you love. It is vital you learn to tell the difference between a healthy-yet-difficult relationship and one that is just not working. No relationship is worth saving at any cost.
  
• Remember that relationships should be based on mutual trust and respect. If your partner fulfills neither of these criteria, then what are you staying for?
• If your partner has a serious problem with anger, alcohol, or anything else that threatens your safety, then you need to recognize that the problem is theirs, and don’t make it yours.
• If children are involved, consider their safety and what they are witnessing as they are growing up. Is yours the type of relationship you want them to aspire to? Is there a risk the violence could spill over to include them?
• If you are concerned about where you would go or what would happen to the children, seek legal advice and work out your options and your escape route in case you need it.
• Ultimately, where violence is involved, you need to stop waiting to see if things are going to get better, and recognize that your own safety and well-being is the absolute priority.
  

Here are some websites that might prove helpful if you, or someone you know, is in this situation:
https://domesticviolenceuk.org/
http://www.lost-in-france.com/living-in-france/life/190-domestic-violence
https://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/types-of-violence/domestic-intimate-partner-violence.html
https://helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Often in my practice, and especially when working with couples, I see anger that is out of control. In relationships, this can quickly spiral into verbal or physical abuse. While anger is a normal emotion, it needs to be expressed in healthy ways and regulated. Traditional anger management techniques have focused on beating a pillow or yelling when you are alone, but we all need help to develop a deeper understanding of this emotion and effective ways of managing it.

Anger is basically just too much stress or distress – from memories, what’s going on around you, or what’s said to you. It is a complex emotion that signals we are feeling threatened, wronged, afraid. It is however, a normal emotion and can have its uses when expressed appropriately and within safe limits.

When anger isn’t regulated it can accelerate into criticism, name calling, shouting, throwing things, and at worst, threatening or hurting another person physically. This is when anger turns into abuse and violence, and it is never acceptable. Remember that you can never trust your own judgement when you are angry.

Anger is at its core, part of our fight or flight stress response that enabled us to get away or deal with danger and threat. As infants, it also helps us get our needs met, for example if we aren’t getting fed or picked up and cuddled when we want to. The ability to develop self-control, however, is one of the things that separates humans as a species. Our brain has the capacity to process what is going on, regulate strong emotions and then rationalize our response, but anger inhibits that activity. As we mature we learn to subdue our impulses in order to evaluate our options and consider the best course of behavior to get what we want. If you grew up in an angry family, or struggled to get your needs met, then maybe you didn’t learn good impulse control habits, but it is never too late.

Anger is a signal, it is telling us that we need to calm down, review what is pushing our buttons and take control of our behavior. When we don’t we can find our work, our relationships and our self-image begin to suffer. Nobody likes to be around someone who is quick to flare up and display their temper on a frequent basis.

So, if you find yourself losing control to anger, here are some tips to help:

1. Become aware of how your body feels when you are starting to get angry. Do you feel your heart rate or blood pressure rising, do you feel hot, does your voice change or do you stop talking, do you feel any muscles tensing, is your thinking becoming less clear or more negative, are you ruminating on the other person’s faults or thinking about revenge, are you becoming cranky with those around you? Whatever your signals are, start to pay more attention to when they are happening and then tune into your inner thermostat…
   
2. Tune in to your body and your inner thermostat. High arousal produces stress hormones that agitate the brain and body, and can quickly flare to anger. Set an inner scale or thermostat of 1-10 for yourself where 10 is volcanic eruption where you have lost control, and 1 is a state of calm. Constantly check in to where you are on the scale. If you are already around 5-6 and know you are quick to flare up, then you need to put yourself in a time-out, remove yourself from the stressful stimulus and focus on your breathing. Breathe slowly while counting to yourself, breathe in through your nose for 2 seconds, and breathe out through your mouth for 2. Keep doing that until you feel your thermostat resetting closer to 1. If necessary, go for a walk and talk to yourself calmly, tell yourself it isn’t worth it and recall a memory of a calm and happy time.
   
3. Make some form of relaxation or stress management part of your daily routine. This will help to keep your stress levels lower in general, while helping you to become more aware of when stress hormones and anger are building.
   
4. Think about what your hot button topics are. By that I mean think about what often causes your anger to flare and work to manage the stimulus. For example, if you know tend to over-react to other drivers, then think about what you can do to change your behavior when you are behind the wheel. Take control, don’t be at the mercy of your emotions or other people’s behaviors.
   
5. Don’t try to justify your anger. There is always a better way of dealing with a situation. We can always be more effective in our problem-solving, our communication and our compassion for those around us.
   
6. Consider having some cognitive-behavioral therapy or reading some self-help books on thinking patterns and how we can change them. Often people who are angry a lot are also rigid in their thinking, or they think in very black and white, all or nothing patterns. The other person is right or wrong, friend or enemy. Once we can start to do better with our rational response, we can reduce our stress levels.
   
7. Remember that anger is a stop sign, and when we feel our anger accelerating we need to take responsibility for exiting the stressful situation and calming ourselves down. We also need to let others leave if they are afraid or anxious around us, and resist the impulse to follow them or demand a continuation of the fight.
   
8. Finally, use the anger as an opportunity for growth and development. If you find yourself getting angry a lot then it can be a sign that there are things in your life you need to address, or maybe there are wounds from the past that need to be healed. Don’t ignore the symptoms, take control, and consider working with a therapist to resolve your issues.
   

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

This article was also published on English Informer In France