Most of us are our own harshest critics, but to have self-esteem means we have a realistic and positive opinion of our self, or confidence in our value as a human being. Good self-esteem is correlated with healthy relationships, satisfaction in life and achievement.

Too little self-esteem, however, tends to predispose us to lower levels of mental health such as depression, as well as falling short of our potential, or accepting abusive or disrespectful relationships. Too much self-love, however, can lead to an arrogant personality or be a sign of narcissism.

If you are one of the many people whose self-esteem could use a boost, here are some ideas to help you:

1. Make a list of your achievements and strengths. You might want to ask friends and family to help with this if you are not good at being objective about yourself. Then do something to demonstrate your ability. So, if you are a good organizer, plan the next family get together. If you are good with animals, get involved with a local shelter. Engage in the things you do well to build your sense of competence and esteem.
2. Become aware of the way you talk to yourself, or about yourself. As soon as you are aware of any self-criticism, remind yourself it is just a thought and not a fact. The risk is that if we continue to think this way, in time we can start to believe it.
3. Learn to accept compliments by saying ‘thank you’.
4. Think about the stories of you that people have told over the years, starting from your family when you were a child. Have you ever been told you are too fat, or too stupid, or that you fall short in some way? These thoughts can be changed with affirmations, so write out the old thoughts and write the new story about you next to them. Make it a story that is believable to you and not something fantastic that will make you feel worse if you can’t accept it as true. For example, ‘I am amazing and can achieve anything I set my mind to’ is probably not going to work if you are struggling to feel good about yourself; whereas saying to yourself each day ‘I am not those opinions others had of me, I am better than that’ can help you to start letting go of the poor self-image you carry in your mind.
5. Don’t compare yourself to others. Everybody on social media seems to be happy, successful and having a great time. This is just a mirage we all like to create, but it can lead to more negative thoughts about you. Why aren’t I out having a great time with lots of friends? Why aren’t my kids as successful as hers? Understand that we all have a reality where we struggle sometimes and accept yourself as being just fine as you are.
6. Make an effort with your appearance: treat yourself to a haircut and wear clothes that make you feel good.
7. Eat in a way that reflects someone worthy of care. Cook yourself good meals and even if you are eating alone, set the table and make your mealtime special to reflect your worth.
8. Set yourself small and realistic challenges or tasks, such as inviting a few people round for a meal or joining a local group activity that interests you.
9. Exercise! Whether it’s going for a brisk walk, cycling, or doing yoga at home with a teacher on YouTube, research consistently shows that exercise helps us feel better about ourselves, so prioritise it over other things on your daily To-Do list.
10. Do kind and caring things for others around you, even if it is just checking on an elderly neighbour or volunteering to do some dog walking at your local shelter. It always helps our confidence when we feel appreciated.
11. Don’t give time to people who treat you badly or sap your energy and leave you feeling worse about yourself. If you struggle with assertiveness, then consider reading up on how to be better at this so you feel able to say NO to people from time to time.
12. Recognise that you are not your current circumstances. We all have periods where things don’t work out as we hoped, or we don’t have as much as money, or it feels like life is stacking the odds against us. Differentiate between this challenge and your self-worth. Each of us has potential and value, so be compassionate towards yourself when things get tough.

Self-esteem is an important part of mental health, so learn to build yours on a regular basis if you know it could use some help. If your self-esteem has become too low, then consider seeing a therapist to learn to feel in control of your life again.
This is a free, quick online self-esteem test that you might find helpful:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/tests/personality/self-esteem-test

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. 

“I can’t wait to get up on stage and share my ideas, I’m going to be amazing”

“I’m really excited to get to work tomorrow and see what my boss does next, and how well I cope with it”

“I am really looking forward to the Christmas party where I know nobody and don’t speak the language, it will be an adventure”

Does this sound like you? Probably not, but it’s a great technique to help people conquer their fears by flipping their thoughts around from fear to excitement; from crippling to enabling.

The process of anxiety involves our brain surveying our environment, deciding there is a potential danger and flooding the body with stress hormones such as cortisol, the fight or flight sequence that enables us to respond quickly. Often this process is triggered by memories of times when we have felt fear, such as standing up to speak in public or entering a crowded room at a party where we don’t know anyone, and while there isn’t a life-threatening situation, our brain still reacts as though there is.

Of course, this isn’t necessarily true if we are facing a true danger such as being in the path of an oncoming car, when your brain needs to signal to your body that you need to save yourself. That’s when our anxiety system is working well for us. However, there are other times when it fails us, opportunities where we can be feeling fear about a situation to the extent that it becomes overwhelming, even crippling.

At these times, most people say take some deep breaths to try and calm down, but instead say ‘I am excited’. Here’s why this works - both fear and excitement are states of high arousal where the body is preparing for action, so it’s much easier to go from anxious to excitement than from anxious to calm, which is generally what we are asking our brain and body to do when we combat the fear with breathing or just avoidance (the latter can set us up for all kinds of problems down the road, so it’s generally better to avoid avoidance!).

Here are some things to remember:

• We all have things that make us anxious, so there is nothing unusual about your thoughts and feelings.
• We DO have control over our thoughts and feelings.
• When we get irrational fear-based thoughts and feelings, we need to grab them and deal with them before they settle down and decide to stick around
• Both the emotions of fear and excitement come from the same starting place, it is how we choose to respond to them that will inform our experience
• When you change a threat mindset to one of opportunity, from what could go wrong to what could go well, research shows that our performance improves, so take the high arousal and flip it around to your advantage.
  

Give this technique a try next time you feel anxious about something you are putting off or dreading and see what happens!

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counseling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. Find my details on the Contact page and drop me an email, and I'll contact you to arrange a no-obligation chat where you can tell me more about your problem and ask questions about the process of therapy.

Lately it feels like every time we turn on the news we are faced with world events that are terrible but out of our control. How can we solve the Brexit situation? How do we stop gunmen killing children in schools in America? How do we end suffering in Syria? We feel we cannot ignore the chaos and hurt of the world, and yet it hurts us to witness it every day. Without considerable resources, we often feel powerless and frustrated to improve the world, and that can be incredibly stressful.

Despair is a common experience we all share. We feel it during difficult times in our lives. We sometimes despair about our work, our relationships, our financial situation, our love life (or lack of it), and of course we despair over world events each time we tune into the media. Typically, this feeling dissipates and quietens down until the next time, but sometimes it actually gets deeper, takes control of us, and forms a clinical condition where we constantly feel hopeless, pessimistic and powerless. Ultimately, we feel out of control.

We cannot control the government, the weather, other people’s opinions, our spouse, but we can take small steps so these feelings of despair don’t overwhelm us. This is generally true in counselling, where my clients are not always able to change the circumstances of their lives, but when they realise they can change the way they feel and think, it is significantly more empowering than continuing to think that if they could just control circumstances they’d feel better. We can’t un-do the past, but we can control how we deal with it in the now; we can’t control how others behave, but we can control how we react.
So how do we begin to take control when we feel despair at the world?

• An obvious way to take control is to limit our exposure to news that distresses us, whether it be the television or social media such as Facebook, learn to switch off when you start getting overwhelmed.
• Experts suggest we can instead think about how to improve things that matter closer to us, such as our home, family, community, etc. Sometimes we can become so consumed by the suffering of animals and people in other countries that we overlook what is happening within our neighborhood. What about old people who are living alone, or kids that need a steady and loving foster-home, or local animal shelters that need people to spend time with the dogs and fund raise so they have warm bedding? You might not have wealth in terms of money, but likely you have gifts and talents, such the ability to organize a bake sale, help in a neighbour’s garden, or write an email or letter of support and encouragement for someone who is going through a tough time.
• If you feel particularly powerless some days, then do something small such as cleaning your bathroom or having a turn out of your wardrobe, so you get a sense of accomplishment.
• Seek solace in other people. We can get lost in the fog that pervades our minds sometimes, and talking to a wise and trusted friend, or having a session or two with a counsellor, can help to clear that fog.
• Recognize when the best thing you can do is take care of yourself: eat, sleep, nurture yourself so you can regain some perspective.
• Be aware of signs that your emotional bank account is becoming exhausted. Those bad news stories about the world may be the final straw rather than the real cause of the problem. If you are more tearful or angry than usual, then you need to retreat and take stock so you feel less over-extended. Be honest about your priorities and where you are expecting too much of yourself.

Ultimately, we need to find ways to feel more in control and hopeful about the world, and our small place in it. A sentence that sticks in my mind from something I once read is that “people can live weeks without food, days without water, minutes without oxygen, but not a moment without hope”. And if you sometimes think the world is going crazy, you might be reassured to know that according to cognitive psychologist Steven Pinker, the human race is now healthier, more prosperous, and safer than ever before. The problem, he argues, is not the state of the world, it is our bias towards a negative representation of it. So, take heart, and take control of your thoughts, and the world will seem like a better place where courage and compassion can triumph over despair.

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

We hear a lot these days about the power of positive thinking, but can changing our thoughts really have much of an effect? Research in neuroscience suggests that it can.

Our brains build new neural pathways by repeatedly firing sets of neurons that wire together. When we start learning something new, such as taking a course or the first few weeks of a new job, we can feel like our brain is full and overloaded, and for a while it really is. As we keep repeating the new information input, or practicing a skill, the brain starts to make these pathways more robust and efficient, rather like an information super-highway.

At the same time, the brain is also de-cluttering by getting rid of old pathways that we are not using anymore, or in effect pruning and making space, as the underused pathways literally get marked for removal by a protein that attaches to them.
This has important implications because as we become aware of the how the brain works, we can begin to take advantage of this process and actively label which pathways are for growth, and which are for reassignment to the trash. Habits of mind reinforce new skills, behaviours and thinking patterns, so what is important is the combination of repeated practice along with the mindfulness to be aware of what you are focusing your thoughts on. And that is vital, because if you choose to focus your thoughts on ideas of revenge against your boss at work, or all the reasons why your spouse upsets you, or you constantly ruminate on why your life isn’t working out, then guess what? You are wiring yourself up to be more practiced and successful at the very things you need to avoid.

The research therefore seems to lend strong support to the idea that keeping your thoughts focused in a positive direction can indeed help to create a consistently more hopeful mood and a greater sense of vitality. To further aid the process, it is important to get a good night’s sleep. During sleep the brain rejuvenates itself and clears the toxins; it also does its important work of growing and pruning, although that procedure is far from understood at this point. Even a quick nap of 20 minutes during the day will give the brain some downtime to focus on these background tasks. When we are sleep-deprived our brain is overloaded and unable to repair itself, which is why the day after a poor night of sleep can feel like wading through treacle.
So, if you want an easy and fundamental way of taking care of your mental health, keep building those superhighways of positivity and get plenty of good quality sleep. Your brain will thank you for it!

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

This week I answer a reader's question about her feelings of betrayal:

Dear Dr Jules

I wonder if you can help? I feel I have been betrayed most of my life, personally by more than one partner including my husband, and now also professionally. I trusted some work colleagues who have both let me down. I have got to the point where I just feel like shutting down my business because of it.

Hi there,

Betrayal is something that happens to all of us at some point, but it’s a tough lesson to face as at the root of all betrayal is a violation of your trust, and that hurts.

Regardless of whether it’s a romantic partner who leaves you unexpectedly, a friend who spreads vicious gossip about you, or a business deal where you get ripped off financially, the root of all of them is the fact that you gave your trust to those who were not worthy of it, and you are left feeling that you have no control over the situation. This can affect your self-esteem as well, as you can start to wonder if the people who have betrayed you ever valued you in the first place.

So what can you do to start feeling better after a betrayal? While we can’t change the situation and what has happened to us, we can change how we see it, so here are some tips to help you:

1. Start by asking yourself if these people were worthy of your trust, and how much should your sense of yourself depend on their actions? Reflect on this for the future as well, so that you choose the people you share your trust with wisely.

2. Keep good boundaries and do not allow a climate for betrayal to form. Be clear about your expectations from people and be open with your communication to them so they know where they stand and don’t have the opportunity to behave in ways that you would find unacceptable.

3. Don’t fixate on the past or dwell on how you were wronged and what might have been – channel your thoughts to the present and future and how you want things to be from now on. The anger can only fester in you if you let it, and that will cause you pain and hold you back. Retaliation can seem sweet in the moment, but you might be surprised how much of your time and energy you are devoting to fantasizing about your revenge, and sadly that is only detracting from time you could be spending on doing something positive for you or people who deserve it.

4. Let go by writing your thoughts about the betrayals down on paper and then flush it away in the toilet or burn it.

5. Build trust in yourself and your choices, and let go of people who you find untrustworthy, then put your energy into people who you know won’t let you down.

Ultimately, you can learn to see betrayal as a fork in the road where one direction leads to bitterness while the other leads to opportunity. Be kind to yourself and your pain, and in time you will move forward with your plans again.

Dr Jules

If this topic resonates with you and you think I might be able to help you through Counselling, please get in contact. I offer a free twenty minute chat so we can decide if counselling with me is right for you.