I’m a therapist who specializes in working with couples. I love the dynamics of the couple relationship, figuring out the ‘dance’ the two people are involved in with each other, and then helping them to learn new steps so the relationship can become satisfying again.

Most of the couples who come to see me complain of communication problems, which is a coded way of saying they are fighting more than usual. Disagreements between two independent intelligent people who live together are inevitable, so it is not the presence of conflict that is a problem. But how couples fight is something we do address in therapy to help the relationship survive, particularly as many of the things they fundamentally disagree on (money, in-laws, etc) are unsolvable.
Here then, are some golden rules on how to improve your conflict resolution skills in your relationship. These skills can also be applied in family relationships, friendships and work, but it tends to be our spouses who push our buttons the best:

1. Start softly
By this I don’t necessarily mean use a soft voice, although that can help, but if you start a discussion by being critical of your partner (going straight in with character assassination) or even contemptuous (sarcastic, hostile, eye rolling) then the discussion will generally be doomed to failure. Most of us already know how to manage our differences with calm and respectful discourse, it is usually how we function with colleagues at work, so apply the same rules when you are talking to your spouse, and don’t be drawn into accusations and assumptions.

2. Retain control of your physiology and emotions
When our pulse rises our body starts to flood with stress hormones and adrenaline, preparing for ‘fight or flight’. The more our emotional state takes over, the less our clear-thinking state can function. None of this is helpful when we are trying to have a discussion with our partner about a difficult issue. The key is to be mindful of what’s happening in your own body, pay attention to your stress levels and learn how to calm yourself down with breathing, or if necessary by asking to take a break from the discussion to allow you to calm down.
 
3. Don’t bring up the past
Arguments between couples can often descend into flinging those long stored up resentments at each other. Transgressions or hurts from before can’t always be forgiven, but what happened has happened and can’t be changed. If you want to move on then leave the past where it belongs and focus on making the now better, otherwise you will only keep re-opening old wounds.
 
4. Accept your partner’s influence
Research shows that partners who have the emotional intelligence to give and take, and accept the other person’s point of view, tend to have happier relationships. You don’t have to be a doormat, but learn to share the power in the relationship rather than dominate and you will both be happier.
 
5. Don’t go in to the discussion needing to win
Compromise often doesn’t feel good, but it’s an essential skill. Each of you will gain and lose something, but the primary goal is to take care of the relationship and not your own ego.
 
6. Learn to take a time out
Once the conversation starts going off the rails and you can feel yourself flooding with stress hormones, then don’t keep going, it won’t end well. Often couples I see descend quickly into contempt, retaliation, door slamming or even violence. Successful couples, however, use repair attempts such as gentle humour, making silly faces to calm things down, or just calling a time out so both partners can retreat and then reconnect to talk again later.
 
Whether you are in a new relationship or have been together forever, it is important to know that conflict is part of the deal of being with someone. But if you can fight well, then conflict and its repair can actually strengthen your bond rather than destroy it. It is never too late to learn effective relationship skills. If I can help, then drop me a line via my website.

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

In my work with couples, sex often comes up as part of the problem. Either there is too little, too much or what there is isn’t satisfying, and sometimes this leads one partner to look outside the relationship and enter into an affair.
To resolve these issues in therapy we need to work on the relationship dynamics in general, sex being a mirror of what is going on between the couple. But part of the problem can also be the narratives we believe or buy into about sex, e.g.,

• Sex should always be spontaneous
• Sex is only for love
• Both partners should orgasm, every time, preferably together (and she should have more than one)
• Male sexuality is simple, women are more complicated
• Women want intimacy and men just want to get laid
• Men always want it
• Women are much more monogamous than men.

In case you are wondering, all these narratives are untrue and can be damaging when we believe them! Men, for example, are often turned on by good relational sex and intimacy, where they can find a moment of closeness and acceptance, where they feel understood. If he is feeling anxious or is struggling with his perceived level of self-worth, then having a sense that he’s competent and loved because she is enjoying him and showing pleasure, this is an intensely important experience for a man. The quality of his experience often depends on the quality of her experience, so seeing her turned on really turns him on and makes him feel good about himself, which in turn helps him to feel safe and more content in the relationship.
Women, on the other hand, want to be the turn on. When I have worked with partners where the man has erectile problems, often the woman feels like there must be something wrong with her if he can’t do it. If she was more of a turn on, then there would be no problem. As New York relational therapist Esther Perel says, “The secret of female sexuality is how narcissistic it is”. So much of her life is about connecting with and caring for others, so for her to have good sex she needs to think of nobody but herself. For many women, it is a struggle to be that selfish and confident, but if they have an affair where they are free of their normal roles and responsibilities, suddenly they find themselves having great sex. With her lover she is interesting and wanted and she sees herself as desirable, and that’s a huge turn on.
All of this doesn’t mean that couples in a long-term relationship can’t have great sex. Quite the opposite. In therapy we explore and begin to understand the narratives that feel safe, but that constrain us, and then couples can be freed up to write a new story. Together.

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Lately I have seen a number of couples I know facing mental health challenges in one partner. Mental health is often still a stigma and many people may prefer to overlook changes in their loved one for as long as possible. Mental health, however, is as important as physical health, and we should work to maintain it, and get it attended to by a relevant professional as soon as possible when there are signs that something isn’t right. Early intervention can help to reduce the severity of an illness, or perhaps stop it developing altogether.

The impact on the couple relationship of one partner with mental illness can be extremely stressful, sometimes leading to the breakdown of the relationship. Considering this, learning about some warning signs of mental illness can help you to act sooner rather than later. Here are some things to look for:

• Dramatic changes in sleep pattern or appetite for food. If the partner is depressed they may often feel tired a lot of the time, regardless of how much more time they are spending in bed.
• Noticeable, prolonged changes in mood, particularly if the person is becoming depressed, irritable or anxious, or if they swing between mania and depression.
• The person starts to become withdrawn and take less enjoyment from activities they once wanted to participate in. They may also withdraw from social activity and friends.
• Functioning at work starts to drop, and the person seems less able to cope with daily problems and activities.
• Multiple physical ailments without obvious cause, such as vague aches and pains and head or stomach aches.
• You sex life together changes, or maybe disappears as your partner becomes withdrawn.
• Starts to show cognitive difficulties, such as difficulty thinking as clearly, poor memory and lack of concentration, or confused thinking.
• Seems to be losing touch with reality or the consequences of their behaviour or displays delusional thinking.
• Starts abusing alcohol or drugs.
• Becomes a risk to his or her self, or to others or property, this includes talking about death, self-harm or suicide.

One or two of these symptoms alone don’t indicate a mental illness but may be worth an evaluation. Several symptoms at one time, particularly if they are causing a change in the ability to function daily or interact with others, should be discussed with your GP. If a person has suicidal thoughts or intent, or thoughts of harming others, then you should seek immediate attention.

If you have any concerns, contact your GP in the first instance to discuss the symptoms, and what steps should be taken in terms of assessment and possible treatment. There may be physical health problems with similar symptoms that need to be explored. If psychological treatment is necessary, then you should also discuss couples counselling as an adjunct therapy. Working with an experienced counsellor can help you to repair any damage caused by the symptoms, as well as adjust to the changing demands of your partner’s health.

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. Feel free to contact me via the Contact page on this website.

This article was also published here: https://www.theenglishinformer.com/article_detail/Mental-health-is-as-important-as-physical-healthwww.theenglishinformer.com/article_detail/Mental-health-is-as-important-as-physical-health
 
 

In my last blog post, I focused on the need for couples to create and maintain emotional connection with each other. Part of the way we do this is by making regular Bids for Connection where we attempt to get the other person’s attention and some positive interaction. We don’t often indicate this desire by saying “Hey, let’s connect”, instead we tend to use more subtle methods such as sighing, touching, messaging a link to an article the other person will find interesting, or wanting to talk about our day.

What all these attempts are saying is “I really want your attention, I want to feel a connection with you, and I hope you will respond positively by showing some interest in me”.

Sadly, if we fail to respond to our partner, or we don’t respond in a positive way, then we send the message that we don’t care. This concept is the same with our children too by the way, only they often up the stakes by behaving badly so that we cannot fail to give them our attention!

Couples researcher John Gottman, who developed this concept, observed in one study that couples who were still married after six years made successful bids for connection 86% of the time, while couples who had divorced in this period only tended to do this 33% of the time.

Gottman tells us there are three ways we can respond to bids for attention:

1. We can turn AWAY from the person, ignore them or change the subject.
2. We can turn AGAINST the person, and say something critical or undermining.
3. We can turn TOWARDS the person, and give them the positive response they are looking for.
   

In his research, Gottman observed that happy couples turn towards their partners approximately twenty times more than couples in distress during every day discussions.

So, if your partner is wanting to connect with you by seeking your attention, then give it to them. If they want to share a moment with you because you are on their mind, then be soft and meet them in that place, don’t shoot them down, ignore them or leave them feeling bad. Every time you turn towards your partner’s bids for emotional connection, you are making a deposit in what Gottman calls your Emotional Bank Account, and your relationship is ideally a constant long-term investment in that account.

A strong relationship is made up of a million little instances where you showed care and attention for each other. None of these will cost you much in terms of time or energy, but they will collectively build over time to create an emotional connection that will reward you for years to come.

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Couples come to see me with many complaints, such as communication problems, arguments over money, the in-laws, the housework, the kids … but in essence they are often asking for help with the same thing, which is to repair their emotional connection.

When we don’t feel connected to our partner, it can be a lonely place.

Partners can sometimes get stuck in a rut of repetitive negative thoughts about each other. They become caught inside their arguments about who is right, who is justified in feeling the way they do. Proving one’s rightness can devolve into a life or death struggle, but it only serves to become an obstacle to real connection. As the old saying goes, you can be right, or you can be married. Once the connection begins to dissolve, however, it can be a negative downward spiral to separation.

We grow up being taught that when we finally meet the perfect person, we will live happily ever after. This idea does us a great disservice because there is no perfect person, and all relationships, romantic or otherwise, require some work. So, if we start wounding each other we should spend less time questioning if the other person is really ‘the one’, and more time rolling up our sleeves to do the work; that is if we decide that we are willing to do the work with this person, or if we want to move on and try to learn the lesson with someone else. It might help to remember though, that love is not about novelty, it is about creating real emotional security together.

As an illustration of this, I wanted to share a moment in a couple therapy session that I witnessed which was simple, but extremely moving to watch, and a reminder of how creating connection can heal even the most troubled relationship. I had asked each partner to verbalize what the other person could do each day to help them feel more connected with each other. The wife talked about wanting him to do more around the house and improve his communication. When she had finished I invited him to share his ideas. He took her hand and said, “It would mean everything to me if once a day, every day, you could just take a minute to make real eye contact with me”. At that moment, for the first time in their therapy, I could feel the connection between the couple. They were sharing the same space, perhaps for the first time in quite a while. Her expression had changed, and she turned and met his gaze. Tears welled up for each of them (and perhaps a little for me too).

Emotional connection is about communicating from a place of vulnerability and trusting that your partner will respect you and reciprocate. Taking the risk to connect from the heart and not the head is when we start taking the real journey together in a relationship.

Next time I will be exploring how we make bids for emotional connection with each other, and how to respond to your partner to strengthen the relationship.

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

This article was also published on English Informer in France: https://www.theenglishinformer.com/article_detail/Yearning-for-Connection

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a condition that is increasingly talked about, and many people now joke about being a “bit OCD” to explain a quirk such as a preference for things to be clean, ordered or tidy.

In reality, OCD is an anxiety related condition that can be extremely debilitating as it increasingly interferes with a person’s ability to function in normal life.  OCD is characterized by anxiety provoking persistent thoughts, worries or impulses, that are experienced as intrusive and not under the person’s control; while the compulsive element describes repetitive behaviours that the person feels compelled to carry out in an attempt to reduce the anxiety. While the person usually knows the thoughts are irrational, they nevertheless feel the compulsive behaviour is the only way to relieve the anxiety, or to stop any harm coming to someone they care about.

In the U.S. and U.K., it is estimated that about 12 in every 1,000 people are living with OCD, but this may be an underestimate as many people either don’t recognize the problem in themselves, or are too embarrassed to seek help.
Typically a person’s OCD will fall into one of four main categories:

• Checking
• Fear of Contamination
• Hoarding
• Ruminations / Intrusive Thoughts
  

Clients I have seen with OCD have displayed worries around using public bathrooms or certain supermarkets, leaving the house without checking everything numerous times, travelling on public transport or being in busy public spaces, to name just a few examples.

Brain scans of OCD patients have revealed there is a worry-circuit as several parts of the brain - notably the caudate nucleus, orbital cortex, and thalamus - tend to be running in overdrive.

Interestingly, there is a cultural element to OCD as in the West, people tend to worry about cleanliness and hygiene, or safety and checking things are switched off/locked, while in the Middle East it has been reported that OCD tends to be more commonly associated with the correctness of how religious rituals are observed. So, typically people develop OCD around more widespread cultural narratives, but the commonality is the power of the obsessions to shape and define behaviour.

While OCD is a chronic condition, it is also very treatable. Treatment is typically psychotherapy with a focus on cognitive-behavioural techniques to break the cycle of worry, and indeed research suggests that psychological therapy has a very biological effect on changing the way the brain works, enabling the client to take control of their thoughts and therefore change their behaviours.

If you have a concern that you or someone close to you has OCD, then I highly recommend you contact a counsellor or psychotherapist to help break the cycle before it becomes further entrenched.

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Imagine this movie ending: the credits fade as you sail off into the romantic sunset with your French lover and the Eiffel Tower in the background. It sounds incredibly romantic, but as I see in my work as a therapist, there is the sequel to the movie where the woman cuts ties with her own family and culture, while also adjusting to the new language, marriage, in-laws, culture etc. It is an enormous task, and one that requires a great deal of emotional and psychological adjustment.

Of course, there are pluses and minuses of moving overseas for love ….

On the plus side, you don’t want to live with regret about the one that got away, so you pack up your life and decide to embark on an adventure for love, and that’s not a bad thing to do, even if it feels a little irrational. You get to experience a new country, you no longer have to do the long-distance thing, and you learn more about yourself. And of course, you have a chance to build a life with the person you love.

On the darker side, expat spouses can suffer from anxiety, depression and feelings of crisis as they face a lack of identity and independence, and zero friends other than their spouse, who they come to rely on too heavily. She finds she is locked out of work as she doesn’t have the right paperwork yet or her ability to speak French isn’t good enough, and whatever she contributes to the marriage and shared life is often not as high profile as his work. Research suggests that trailing spouses, or those who move for love and the priority of the other person’s career, are the least happy of all expats, often because they have given up careers for the move and lack financial independence, and maybe it is tough for them to find work at a level they are used to. Some of the women I have worked with can also feel trapped once they have children, especially if the marriage isn’t going so well and the options for leaving become limited.

Even if the move goes well, there will undoubtedly be days when you ask yourself why you did this, and it can put a strain on the relationship. So, if you are considering moving for love, or are trying to find ways to cope with a move you already made, here are some tips from expats that might help:

• Remember that you made the move for you and the relationship, and not just for him, so don’t be tempted to blame him or harbor resentment when things aren’t going well, or say things like “I moved here for you!” It is important to be honest with each other as it will be easier for him, it is his country after all, and he likely already has friends and family here, plus he doesn’t stand out as different every time he speaks. His support and understanding are therefore critical, and this initial period will be a good test of the strength of your relationship.
• Go into this adventure knowing upfront that you will be dependent on your partner for months, or maybe even the first year or so as you establish yourself in your new life.
• Build a support system where you are and make it a mix of expats who share your culture, as well as French people who can help you to adjust to the new life.
• Develop some independence as you would do in a marriage in your own country, e.g., an ability to drive or get around, find your own interest groups, make your own friends, develop some training or work , not just for financial security, but to boost your confidence and remind you that you are a capable person who can bring new experiences to the relationship.
• Money – it may be the first time you have been without the means to make your own money, or maybe you left a good career and don’t see the same possibilities here in France where you feel stuck with the option of teaching English. It can be tough as a woman to change your narrative of yourself and feel less independent when it comes to finances. Be open to trying new work options and don’t give up as you might discover skills and possibilities you hadn’t considered before. If you are finding it tough to get work due to not having the right qualifications or fluency in the language, consider going back to school here so you can improve in both areas. And if possible, move to France with some savings and think about what you would do in a worst-case scenario of the relationship ending if you needed money to survive or return to your home country.
• Learn the language so you can assimilate, but don’t be afraid to take language breaks as there will be times when speaking and hearing French just becomes a big headache and you long to relax into your native tongue for a change.
• Have a regular schedule of Skype or video calls home and ease your transition by planning trips back, as well as welcoming friends and family to come and stay. Tell them to be prepared for you to feel down sometimes, it can’t all be a fairy tale all the time and that’s okay.
  
• Don’t be afraid to show the mix of cultures in your home life. There are only so many croissants and baguettes you can eat, and maybe opening your Christmas presents on Christmas eve while you tuck into oysters just seems downright weird to you. It’s okay to negotiate how you bring your own food and culture into the home, just as you would if it was a mixed marriage back in your country of origin. And if you have children, it is good for them to grow up knowing the culture of both sides of their family.  I can recall meeting people in America who grew up with an English parent and therefore developed a taste for Marmite for example! See it as an enriching experience to grow your marriage around both of you, and don’t lose yourself and your identity in the heady rush of the new relationship.
• And finally, find ways over time to develop a positive relationship with France. Explore the country and culture to find things about it you enjoy, be it art, food, history etc., otherwise your relationship with your spouse may not be enough to sustain you over time. If you love him but hate France it will only cause you increasing stress, and that will impact the relationship, unless he is also wanting to make a change of country and share a new adventure with you.
  

At the end of the day, if you are really struggling and realize you can never be a Francophile, then don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about your worries and maybe seek the help of a therapist to help you cope and make some decisions. There are plenty of expats in the same position as you, and you can network with them through social sites such as Facebook which hosts groups like ‘Married to a French Man’. It certainly might help to hear that other people are struggling with the same issues as you. Bonne chance!

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Lately it feels like every time we turn on the news we are faced with world events that are terrible but out of our control. How can we solve the Brexit situation? How do we stop gunmen killing children in schools in America? How do we end suffering in Syria? We feel we cannot ignore the chaos and hurt of the world, and yet it hurts us to witness it every day. Without considerable resources, we often feel powerless and frustrated to improve the world, and that can be incredibly stressful.

Despair is a common experience we all share. We feel it during difficult times in our lives. We sometimes despair about our work, our relationships, our financial situation, our love life (or lack of it), and of course we despair over world events each time we tune into the media. Typically, this feeling dissipates and quietens down until the next time, but sometimes it actually gets deeper, takes control of us, and forms a clinical condition where we constantly feel hopeless, pessimistic and powerless. Ultimately, we feel out of control.

We cannot control the government, the weather, other people’s opinions, our spouse, but we can take small steps so these feelings of despair don’t overwhelm us. This is generally true in counselling, where my clients are not always able to change the circumstances of their lives, but when they realise they can change the way they feel and think, it is significantly more empowering than continuing to think that if they could just control circumstances they’d feel better. We can’t un-do the past, but we can control how we deal with it in the now; we can’t control how others behave, but we can control how we react.
So how do we begin to take control when we feel despair at the world?

• An obvious way to take control is to limit our exposure to news that distresses us, whether it be the television or social media such as Facebook, learn to switch off when you start getting overwhelmed.
• Experts suggest we can instead think about how to improve things that matter closer to us, such as our home, family, community, etc. Sometimes we can become so consumed by the suffering of animals and people in other countries that we overlook what is happening within our neighborhood. What about old people who are living alone, or kids that need a steady and loving foster-home, or local animal shelters that need people to spend time with the dogs and fund raise so they have warm bedding? You might not have wealth in terms of money, but likely you have gifts and talents, such the ability to organize a bake sale, help in a neighbour’s garden, or write an email or letter of support and encouragement for someone who is going through a tough time.
• If you feel particularly powerless some days, then do something small such as cleaning your bathroom or having a turn out of your wardrobe, so you get a sense of accomplishment.
• Seek solace in other people. We can get lost in the fog that pervades our minds sometimes, and talking to a wise and trusted friend, or having a session or two with a counsellor, can help to clear that fog.
• Recognize when the best thing you can do is take care of yourself: eat, sleep, nurture yourself so you can regain some perspective.
• Be aware of signs that your emotional bank account is becoming exhausted. Those bad news stories about the world may be the final straw rather than the real cause of the problem. If you are more tearful or angry than usual, then you need to retreat and take stock so you feel less over-extended. Be honest about your priorities and where you are expecting too much of yourself.

Ultimately, we need to find ways to feel more in control and hopeful about the world, and our small place in it. A sentence that sticks in my mind from something I once read is that “people can live weeks without food, days without water, minutes without oxygen, but not a moment without hope”. And if you sometimes think the world is going crazy, you might be reassured to know that according to cognitive psychologist Steven Pinker, the human race is now healthier, more prosperous, and safer than ever before. The problem, he argues, is not the state of the world, it is our bias towards a negative representation of it. So, take heart, and take control of your thoughts, and the world will seem like a better place where courage and compassion can triumph over despair.

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

With divorce being so common these days, many divorces will inevitably involve children. Parents are often preoccupied with their own problems during the divorce process, but need to remember that whatever their differences, the needs of the children are paramount.

Divorce is going to be stressful for the children, and unless the lead up has been characterized by high levels of anger and conflict, the children will most likely prefer that the family stays intact.  There can be self-blame as children can misinterpret divorce as something they are partly responsible for, and in general can feel confused and anxious about the threat to their secure foundations. The transition through divorce can involve strained relationships, reduced contact with one parent, moving home, financial hardship and high levels of conflict. Any of these reasons can lead to increased stress in a child. The length and difficulty of the transition period is entirely up to the parents. The better they can manage the stress and conflict levels, the better the adjustment for the kids.

Most children are resilient enough to make the adjustment without developing emotional or behavioural problems, but there are things the parents can do ease the adjustment to the divorce and new family structure:

• When deciding on the best time to tell the children about the separation, choose a time that allows them to process the information and ask questions before they have to return to school. The start of the school holiday, for example, is better than a Sunday when there is school tomorrow. During the discussion make sure the children hear a non-blaming story with both parents present and talking calmly. It is also important to reassure the children that while their life will be different, it will be okay. If the conflict level between the parents is high, keep it out of this discussion and save it for when the children are not around.

 

• Make sure to shield the children from the uglier sides of the anger and fights, and this includes any snippy or unpleasant comments between the adults. Remember that the children’s future ideas about marriage are being shaped by what they see in the parental relationship. It is also an important opportunity to teach them about managing conflict and painful feelings in a productive and thoughtful way.

 

• This is a period where the couple will ideally seek counselling to ensure they are still able to work as a team and continue the job of co-parenting going forward. There may be two different styles of parenting, but each person will need to accept and negotiate around the differences so that the best interests of the children are paramount. Holding onto grievances and anger is a way of trying to hold onto the connection that the couple once had. Counselling can help to let go of that, and begin the process of moving on.
  

 

• During the process of divorce, it is vital that neither parent uses the children in any way. Kids are not there to offer emotional support, to be messengers or spies, to keep secrets, to choose sides, or to be bargaining chips. Sharing the children can feel very painful, but they deserve a normal childhood where their worries are normal kid worries. Childhood is enough of a job, without managing the stress of two adults who are not getting along. Always remember that it is the parents’ job to manage the stress of the divorce, not the children’s.

 

• Be alert to signs of distress in the children, such as regression in toilet training, increased anxiety, withdrawal or aggressive behaviour, failing grades or acting out at school, or, for teens, trouble in their own relationships and lowered self-esteem. Don’t let anyone label them as children of divorce, they are just like other kids except their parents no longer live together. If a child shows ongoing signs of distress, consider family counselling and evaluation for individual therapy.
  

Remember that while divorce can be a difficult and painful process, grief is not a mental illness. The parents and supporting family can’t shield the children from sadness, but they can help to ease it, and make the transition as positive as it can be for the sake of everyone involved. Children only get one childhood, so work together to see them through it in as loving a way as possible.

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Many of us make New Year’s resolutions, promising to change our behavior, but before January is done we have forgotten or given up on our pledge. In fact, research suggests that less than 10% of us will actually follow through on our resolutions.
Resolutions are about making choices. They offer us an opportunity to change our habits, and an attempt to master our behavior and beliefs. As a therapist I have seen countless people create positive change in counselling, certainly many more than 10% of my clients achieve their desired outcome, so I know it is possible for people to make choices and changes that stand the test of time.

Clients in therapy generally spend some time figuring out what their goal is, such as moving on from an unhealthy relationship or overcoming anxiety. Working together over a number of sessions, we break that goal down into small steps, and over time the client gains new insight and learns skills that enable him or her to move forward. And of course, they are working with a supportive therapist who keeps them to task.

So how can we relate this to making New Year’s resolutions?

• Set Realistic Aims: Rather than one big goal, set out small realistic aims that can be broken down and recorded on your calendar, such as “I want to lose at least 20lbs in weight this year so I will plan out on a daily or weekly basis how to lose 2lbs each month”. Make your aims small, realistic and measurable and set up some method of recording your progress before you even get started.
• Visualize your goal: If you are good at seeing things in your mind, imagine what you will look and feel like once you have achieved your overall aim. Make it a really clear picture that motivates you. You could also cut out a picture that represents what you are working towards and stick it on the fridge so you see it every day as a reminder to stay on track.
• Make yourself accountable: tell people around you what your aim is and ask them to check in with you regularly on how you are doing.
• Find support: If your goal is to lose weight, for example, can you form a group of other people with the same aim and meet regularly? One of my recent clients realised that trying to conquer her unhealthy eating habits alone was too much for her, so she reached out on Facebook and found other ladies locally who were willing to meet regularly to go walking and discuss their healthy eating strategies. With this support she is now making great progress.
• Stay Motivated: As you plan your goal with small achievable steps, build in a reward system to keep you on track. So, for every month that you achieve at least the planned 2lbs of weight loss, plan a nice outing or small gift for yourself as a treat.
• Stay on Track: If you find yourself slipping back, don’t guilt yourself or think that because you had a burger and fries the whole thing is lost and you might as well start again next January. A stumble is not the same as a fall, so be compassionate with yourself and get straight back on track with your healthier habits. My clients often encounter setbacks and feel resistant to change in therapy, but we push through that and see it as an opportunity to learn, not a cue to give up.

If you want to change something in your life, New Year can be a great time to take that positive step, but you don’t need to wait to fix something in your life that isn’t working. If you know you need to take action, then start developing the habits of a proactive person today! If you think you will need support to make life changes, then you might also want to make this the year that you seek counselling. I offer a free 20 minute consultation so we can discuss whether I might be able to help you.