Many of my clients had a difficult childhood, with problems ranging across abuse, neglect, bullying, a parent with alcoholism or mental health issues, absent parents, childhood trauma, illness, violence in the home, poverty or any other kind of serious problem you can think of that could befall a child. Often these stresses were chronic, meaning they repeated over time, rather than being one-off events.

We tend to think that children are resilient and can bounce back from misfortunes, but the people I see in therapy know that it took much more out of them, and they certainly didn’t just rebound once circumstances improved. In therapy they often see these early adversities as the foundation for later difficulties they have experienced in life, and fear they will be ‘stuck’ forever. This need not, however, be the case.

The future has yet to be written and we can always write a better story about ourselves. What I mean by this is we can refuse to accept the way we were defined when we were younger. Many of us grew up believing things that other people said about us, such as ‘I am stupid’, ‘I am a burden to my family’, or ‘I will never amount to anything in life’. As an adult, however, you can develop some inner defiance and decide to refuse to believe this nonsense; you are not the sum total of these narratives, and you can begin to re-write them now you are old enough to know better.

Overcoming the adversities of your childhood is an ongoing process, but like most things, you become better at it the more you practice, and the less you allow yourself to become overwhelmed by the ‘fight or flight’ feelings and anxiety of stepping outside your comfort zone of damage. The more resilient and toughened you become, the more you can seek out new challenges for success, and so it becomes a cycle of recovery. In fact, you can become more successful than others around you BECAUSE of your early adversity and the work you put into becoming greater than the sum of those early parts.
So, what can we all learn about becoming more resilient in the face of life’s difficulties?

• Take on challenges you can overcome, such as learning a new instrument or language, or accepting a task at work that will push you to new levels – any project that will be difficult but not emotionally fraught. This begins the process of practicing for challenges in life that will be harder to face.
• Learn to develop an optimistic and brave outlook. When life knocks you down, as it inevitably will at some point, force yourself to get back up again and see yourself as stronger than you know. You need to be a fighter who never loses hope. Remember, you only need to do things one day at a time, so don’t allow yourself to feel overwhelmed by the tasks ahead.
• Find support. Truly resilient people know when to reach out to those they can trust, or to objective professionals who care and will help you to develop better coping strategies.
• Find areas where you can take control, or begin to feel that you are. Nobody does well when they think they are stuck on a runaway train, so break your challenges down and find any area, however small, where you can make a realistic plan to be more in control, and then work towards it. This will empower you to keep going.
  
• Do not think back to times when you failed or fulfilled those negative narratives about you. Focus instead on times when you did overcome a challenge and think about how you did it. Then figure out how you are going to do that again in the future.
• And finally, take care of yourself on a daily basis. You are the one person you can count on to take good care of you, so don’t let yourself down. Eat mindfully, get enough exercise and sleep, be kind to yourself and when you accomplish something, give yourself a reward!
  

Remember, that many of the most successful and famous people around are some of the most resilient people there are. Research suggests that a majority of these people were raised in families facing severe problems. This doesn’t mean that adversity is desirable, it just means that it doesn’t have to define you, and you may be stronger than you think you are.
Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. Contact me to set up your first free appointment.

These days there is such a pressure to be happy and think positive. We constantly feel we should stop being unhappy about our unhappiness, stop being anxious, stop being sad, stop feeling confused or worried. And yet these are all facets of the complexity of being human; it is precisely because we feel this full range of emotions that we are who we are. Can we possibly be happy all the time, is that realistic, or interesting?

How about if we didn’t avoid these challenging feelings, if we didn’t try to stuff them down or hide them under temporary attempts at happiness, such as buying those new shoes or having a few drinks? If you are sad or anxious or worried for a while, will you die of it? No!

Sometimes it is okay to turn and focus on the not great feelings and work them through. Understand that your observation of the world and your place in it is not the world, it is just your interpretation, and the feelings you are going through are being triggered by your interpretations, by your thoughts. And here is some good news: you can change your thoughts. Sometimes you can feel sad or anxious, but when you accept that it is your choice to engage in these feelings for a while, then you begin to shift yourself into a different position. You are no longer a ship that is being tossed around on a stormy sea, or a victim of circumstances, you are a person with choices. And that is the first step to empowerment and taking control of your life. Begin to think in a way that serves you and doesn’t keep you stuck. If you can’t do it by yourself, then seek help from friends, family, or a therapist until you get the momentum going.

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.
This article was also posted at English Informer in France.

These are worrying times and health professionals around the world are seeing a rise in rates of depression and anxiety (Daily Telegraph). In addition to people’s general everyday problems, we are being bombarded with stories about Brexit, political instability in the world, threats of nuclear war, and catastrophic weather events, to name but a few. We are increasingly isolated and feeling our sense of social support comes from online sources such as Facebook, the world where everyone else is having a great time.

When we start to feel overwhelmed with stress, there are ways we can begin to regulate our emotions, usually by choosing to tone down negative emotions such as worry. The key word here is ‘choose’. We can choose how we direct our focus and our energy, and that in turn will change how we feel.

Most of us already have tactics to help us feel better. We might go to the gym, meditate, put on music or mindless TV, or we might listen to podcasts and audio books while we go about our day. Here are some tips that you can add to your toolkit to help you reduce your worry load:

• Limit your access to social media from time to time. It’s great to be in touch with everyone, but sites such as Facebook have also become a place where people express opinions and say hurtful things, or post items others find distressing. At times the constant newsfeed can contribute to you feeling like you are on overload. It is not always, therefore, a helpful distraction, or a positive substitute for real human interaction. So, plan to take some apps off your smartphone and make your access harder, then you can tune in for limited periods just to be in touch with people that matter, without being distracted by the ‘noise’.
• Focus on your breathing. Take a moment to be aware of the air passing in and out of your body, keeping your mouth and eyes closed, and keep your mind focused on that sensation for five minutes if you can. Be aware of the sensation of the air on your nose and how the temperature changes as it enters your nostrils and passes down into your airways, then how it feels when you breathe it out. You can count when you breathe in and out if that helps you to tame your busy brain and stay focused on your breath.
• Do not ruminate. When I see anxious clients, they usually have a subject they are focusing on exclusively, often an area of their life where they feel out of control, and it causes their mind to race. An old trick to remind yourself when you are falling into this pattern is to put an elastic band on your wrist, and each time you find your mind going back to this unhelpful place, ping the elastic band on your wrist to give yourself a little ‘snap out of it’ reminder. Then ask yourself what is one thing, however small, that you can do to begin to take control of the situation? If it is a natural disaster, can you make a donation? If you are worried about how Brexit is affecting your life, can you sign a petition or write to your MP? Can you start to make a list of pros and cons for a potential decision, or talk to someone in the same boat as you? You might not be solving the problem entirely, but do something proactive and feel better about the fact that you turned worry into action.
• Don’t let your thoughts stay trapped in your head, where they seem to form a kind of seething soup of worry. Find ways to get them out. Writing them down often helps, as does saying them out loud when you are alone. Just reading or hearing them can help you start to make sense of them.
• Get out there and talk to people. Contact friends and tell them you need to catch up, go to a public event where you have people around you, volunteer to go and walk the dogs at the rescue center or help at a local foodbank, join a class or a group, or start one yourself. There are often plenty of people like yourself who might jump at the chance of a get fit or weight loss support group, or a regular book club to help get through the long winter evenings. So, if you don’t see what you want out there, then start it. In short, being around other people is good for mental health, while isolation is bad. And the old adage that a problem shared is a problem halved still holds true, so don’t keep your worries to yourself.
• If you find your worries and anxiety are starting to make you feel unwell or unable to cope, then go see your GP and consider seeing a counsellor. It isn’t always possible to do it by yourself, and even health professionals and therapists need some extra support now and then.
  

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Couples Therapy, or marriage counselling as it is also called, is one of the top reasons why people contact a therapist for help. Even if the person contacting the therapist is asking for individual therapy, our relationships play a major role in our well-being, to the point where I often tell clients that mental health exists in the space between them and their significant others, rather than in their own heads.

Frequently couples are reticent to seek therapy for their relationship, or the partner that makes the call struggles to get their other half to attend with them. People fear it will be an uncomfortable and emotionally charged experience where the therapist will end up siding with one or other person, or telling them they should separate. Consequently, counselling can get postponed to the point where the relationship is on life support, and then the outcome might well be less favourable.

So, what does happen in Couples Therapy?

• The therapist is an objective observer of the relationship, who will respect both partners and their viewpoints equally.
• In the early sessions the couple will agree a clear set of goals for treatment, and the therapist will keep them on track, even when things feel emotionally challenging.
  
• The couple will be given praise for what they are doing well, and encouraged to do more of it.
• The therapist will give the couple new insight into their relationship and why the current dynamic isn’t working.
• The couple will have new skills to practice based on the therapist’s feedback, and will be helped to work as a team that can problem solve and communicate well together.
• The emotional intensity in sessions will be controlled so that work can take place and sessions don’t become just a repeat of what happens at home.
  

You don’t need to wait until both partners agree about attending therapy together. If you are distressed in your relationship, then seek help, and often your therapist will assist you to bring the other partner into therapy.

When you enter into Couples Therapy, it is important to understand that the therapist is not a magician who can fix any relationship. There are three people in the room, and each person has their responsibility to be an active agent in the process of change. The therapist guides you towards new solutions and ways of doing things, but ultimately the couples with the best outcomes are the ones who are receptive to feedback and motivated to do the work. It is also helpful to know that not all couples come to therapy for a happy ending. Sometimes a relationship needs help to end well, especially when there are children involved.

It has been said that the average couple that comes to counseling has been in distress for about six years before they make the call, which could explain why it is often one of the areas of therapy where people have the most complaints about outcome. As in all fields of mental and physical health, early detection and treatment is the best medicine. Good marriage is a highly skilled activity, so don’t wait until you reach the point where you can’t stand the sight of each other to seek help. Consider your marriage to be like a car and keep it well serviced!

Dr Jules

If your relationship is in distress, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you

Recently I was talking with someone who is having disturbing dreams, as he wants to understand why he is having them and what he can do to stop them. He also wanted to see if I could help him interpret what the dreams are about. While I am not a specialist in analyzing dreams, it got me thinking about dreams in general. We all have dreams (humans and animals alike), even if we don’t remember them, and they are of such significance to our ability to function well that scientists around the world study the mechanics and purpose of dreaming, and have started exploring how to manipulate our dream states to help with sleep disorders and mental health problems.

So why do we dream? No one has yet been able to provide a clear reason, but we do know that dreams are a way that the mind has of working through difficult experiences and feelings. Dreaming also seems to be an important part of memory processing, uniting past and present information that the brain has absorbed while preparing for the future. In general, paying attention to our dreams can give us insight into what is preoccupying us, and to who we are.

Dreams are part of how the brain processes what has been happening to us in our daily lives, and as such the majority of people we dream about are known to us in person or by their role. We also tend to dream about things that are related to us, such as our jobs or hobbies. Sometimes we dream about things immediately after they happen, but at other times there is a time-lag and the consolidation of memories happens with incomplete fragments that appear over time, much as if the brain were piecing together a jigsaw puzzle.

There are different kinds of dreams, such as nightmares, which are frightening dreams that can cause us to wake up or be fearful of going to sleep; recurring dreams which contain a repeating pattern; and lucid dreams, where brain activity is unusually high and we are aware that we are dreaming and can manipulate what we are dreaming about.

Just a with sleep, dreaming can be disrupted, and can be an indication of physical or mental health problems. Drugs and alcohol can alter our dream pattern for example, while people who are depressed are more likely to have nightmares. In fact, the relationship between dreaming and depression is particularly interesting, as people who are depressed tend to have excessive REM sleep, likely because they are more given to cognitive introspection and are more highly autonomically aroused, and dreams are linked to autonomic arousal. Excessive dreaming can be exhausting for the mind and body, and so some anti-depressant medication reduces dream sleep. This is a good reason why it is important to keep active and not give in to the urge to curl up and sleep when you are depressed.

It is not all bad news though, as dreams can be a rich source of creativity, providing inspiration for novel ideas or problem solving. Some people find it helpful to keep a pen and paper next to the bed so they can record their dreams immediately upon waking and take full advantage of the insight they gain from their brain activity while sleeping.

Dreams can be disturbing, enlightening, comforting and puzzling, but they are always fascinating insights into who we are, where we have been, and perhaps where we are going. Pay attention to your dreams and see what you learn about yourself.

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Recently I heard from a lady who is in a difficult relationship. She has been verbally abused by her partner for some time, but lately that abuse has become physical violence. She doesn’t have any family close by and is unsure whether she should stay, or risk leaving without a definite place to go to. In this situation, should a woman stay or go?

On the face of it, the answer is simple, she should get out.

However, people who have been in abusive relationships know that it is often not that easy. There are financial and emotional factors that hold you together, and quite often there are children, property, family and social ties that convince you it is worth hanging in there and giving it another chance. It might also feel shameful to admit the truth of what is going on in your relationship, or maybe you believe on some level that you have contributed to the violent behavior you are experiencing. You may also think that your partner still loves you and doesn’t mean to hurt you. And what if there are children that you don’t want to disrupt, or pets that you don’t want to leave behind, or maybe you don’t live anywhere near a domestic shelter and don’t have anyone that might take you in if you can’t afford a place of your own?

I have seen women going through these dilemmas time and again. Unfortunately, when you are living overseas the situation can be even more complicated as your family and close friends are in another country, and taking children with you can cause all kinds of legal and custody disputes, which the woman might not be financially equipped to fight. The following illustrates some of the reasons why women stay in violent and abusive relationships:




From: https://sites.google.com/site/aright2bsafe/

So, in our case example, should she stay or should she go? Here are some important things to keep in mind:

• Women, and men, in this situation need to know that you should never live in fear of the person you love. It is vital you learn to tell the difference between a healthy-yet-difficult relationship and one that is just not working. No relationship is worth saving at any cost.
  
• Remember that relationships should be based on mutual trust and respect. If your partner fulfills neither of these criteria, then what are you staying for?
• If your partner has a serious problem with anger, alcohol, or anything else that threatens your safety, then you need to recognize that the problem is theirs, and don’t make it yours.
• If children are involved, consider their safety and what they are witnessing as they are growing up. Is yours the type of relationship you want them to aspire to? Is there a risk the violence could spill over to include them?
• If you are concerned about where you would go or what would happen to the children, seek legal advice and work out your options and your escape route in case you need it.
• Ultimately, where violence is involved, you need to stop waiting to see if things are going to get better, and recognize that your own safety and well-being is the absolute priority.
  

Here are some websites that might prove helpful if you, or someone you know, is in this situation:
https://domesticviolenceuk.org/
http://www.lost-in-france.com/living-in-france/life/190-domestic-violence
https://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/types-of-violence/domestic-intimate-partner-violence.html
https://helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Working with clients in France, I am increasingly aware of the struggles many people face here. While people who move abroad looking for a better life or a new adventure often do find the happiness they seek, it is important to know that there can be tough days for all of us, and some people find it more challenging than others. I have lived in several different countries (including Japan, America and now France) so I can easily relate to the stories I hear. Phrases I often hear from clients include “I feel like an outsider”, “I feel trapped”, “I feel isolated” or “I feel lost”.

According to a survey by Internations (https://www.internations.org/expat-insider/2016/common-expat-problems), there are common problems experienced by people living overseas, and these include worrying about finances, adjusting to a different culture, coping with the language barrier, and dealing with changes in your relationship with your partner.

Obviously, we all experience problems in our daily lives such as having a bad day at work or not getting along with our spouse. Talking about your problems doesn’t mean you are being weak or negative, it just means you are dealing with the realities of life. These times are made more bearable though, by having a caring support system around you, and once you become an expat you often find that support system shrinking.

So, the point of my post today is to let you know that there is no shame in feeling that you are not coping well with your life in a new country, in fact these kinds of struggles are common. With Brexit looming many people are finding these issues are intensified as they face difficult decisions about staying or going back to the U.K., and all the while a new wave of people in Britain are considering leaving before the Brexit deadline to start that new life in a place in the sun.

If you are struggling at all, then reach out to your support system or consider talking to someone such as a professional counsellor. I offer a free 20 minutes where we can chat to decide if I am the right person to help you, and if not, I can direct you to the appropriate resources.

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

This article was originally published for my column at English Informer in France

When we first get together with a new partner we often want to spend all our time together, perhaps at the expense of other relationships and obligations. This tends to settle down into a routine after we make a commitment to each other, and gradually we work our couple time around work and family life, perhaps to the point where we feel we sometimes feel like ships passing in the night.

As I now work in France, I see plenty of couples who have made the big move to live overseas, and often a driving factor is their desire to start a new shared adventure, and perhaps rediscover some of that quality time together that was lost in the hustle and bustle of daily life in the UK. However, the grass is not always greener on the other side, as leaving behind the old routine with family, work and friends, forces couples to spend more time together than they have been used to, and this can bring its own conflicts.

While we may think that spending more time together on building a shared dream will be blissful, it can in fact bring new stress; and it’s okay to admit that maybe it isn’t as great as you were expecting it to be. When you are also dealing with a new culture, new language, lack of social support and challenges in finding work or renovating a house, then that’s an enormous amount of stress for anyone to take on. So how can you protect your relationship in the midst of all these changes?

• Acknowledge if you each need different amounts of time together. One of you might crave more time together while the other needs some independence. This might be due to your differing attachment styles, or the level of reassurance you need amidst all the changes. Either way, it is okay to be open about your differences.
• Open up communication and talk about what each person needs and how those needs can be met so that you both feel you are devoting enough time to the relationship.
• Time apart can be healthy. You don’t need to paddle the boat together, sometimes it is better to paddle two boats side by side. Try to make space in the relationship where you each go out and develop a new interest or make some new friends so that you remain a whole and healthy person who brings something interesting and positive to the relationship.
• Keep some quality couple time together on the calendar. Make sure you have time off regularly to dress up and go out to do something romantic and fun. It is too easy to be consumed by your new life of renovation and work and forget that you were romantic partners and lovers before you became a team. Don’t lose sight of what drew you together in the first place.
• You came to this new place to take on a shared adventure, so make sure that you check in with each other on how that vision is developing. Are you both still finding it fulfilling or is one of you struggling? Are you documenting your achievements so you can see how far you have come? If the dream isn’t working out for one of you, what can you do as a couple to remedy that? Sometimes one partner finds they need more time back in the UK with friends and family, or they need more support to become better integrated into their new life. Regardless, the key is to keep talking and to work it out together.
• If you find you are struggling to make it work, then consider seeing a therapist together before the problems become terminal. It is far better to do some relationship maintenance while you are still communicating reasonably well, than to wait until too many hurt feelings have been stored up.
  

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

We hear a lot these days about the power of positive thinking, but can changing our thoughts really have much of an effect? Research in neuroscience suggests that it can.

Our brains build new neural pathways by repeatedly firing sets of neurons that wire together. When we start learning something new, such as taking a course or the first few weeks of a new job, we can feel like our brain is full and overloaded, and for a while it really is. As we keep repeating the new information input, or practicing a skill, the brain starts to make these pathways more robust and efficient, rather like an information super-highway.

At the same time, the brain is also de-cluttering by getting rid of old pathways that we are not using anymore, or in effect pruning and making space, as the underused pathways literally get marked for removal by a protein that attaches to them.
This has important implications because as we become aware of the how the brain works, we can begin to take advantage of this process and actively label which pathways are for growth, and which are for reassignment to the trash. Habits of mind reinforce new skills, behaviours and thinking patterns, so what is important is the combination of repeated practice along with the mindfulness to be aware of what you are focusing your thoughts on. And that is vital, because if you choose to focus your thoughts on ideas of revenge against your boss at work, or all the reasons why your spouse upsets you, or you constantly ruminate on why your life isn’t working out, then guess what? You are wiring yourself up to be more practiced and successful at the very things you need to avoid.

The research therefore seems to lend strong support to the idea that keeping your thoughts focused in a positive direction can indeed help to create a consistently more hopeful mood and a greater sense of vitality. To further aid the process, it is important to get a good night’s sleep. During sleep the brain rejuvenates itself and clears the toxins; it also does its important work of growing and pruning, although that procedure is far from understood at this point. Even a quick nap of 20 minutes during the day will give the brain some downtime to focus on these background tasks. When we are sleep-deprived our brain is overloaded and unable to repair itself, which is why the day after a poor night of sleep can feel like wading through treacle.
So, if you want an easy and fundamental way of taking care of your mental health, keep building those superhighways of positivity and get plenty of good quality sleep. Your brain will thank you for it!

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Often in my practice, and especially when working with couples, I see anger that is out of control. In relationships, this can quickly spiral into verbal or physical abuse. While anger is a normal emotion, it needs to be expressed in healthy ways and regulated. Traditional anger management techniques have focused on beating a pillow or yelling when you are alone, but we all need help to develop a deeper understanding of this emotion and effective ways of managing it.

Anger is basically just too much stress or distress – from memories, what’s going on around you, or what’s said to you. It is a complex emotion that signals we are feeling threatened, wronged, afraid. It is however, a normal emotion and can have its uses when expressed appropriately and within safe limits.

When anger isn’t regulated it can accelerate into criticism, name calling, shouting, throwing things, and at worst, threatening or hurting another person physically. This is when anger turns into abuse and violence, and it is never acceptable. Remember that you can never trust your own judgement when you are angry.

Anger is at its core, part of our fight or flight stress response that enabled us to get away or deal with danger and threat. As infants, it also helps us get our needs met, for example if we aren’t getting fed or picked up and cuddled when we want to. The ability to develop self-control, however, is one of the things that separates humans as a species. Our brain has the capacity to process what is going on, regulate strong emotions and then rationalize our response, but anger inhibits that activity. As we mature we learn to subdue our impulses in order to evaluate our options and consider the best course of behavior to get what we want. If you grew up in an angry family, or struggled to get your needs met, then maybe you didn’t learn good impulse control habits, but it is never too late.

Anger is a signal, it is telling us that we need to calm down, review what is pushing our buttons and take control of our behavior. When we don’t we can find our work, our relationships and our self-image begin to suffer. Nobody likes to be around someone who is quick to flare up and display their temper on a frequent basis.

So, if you find yourself losing control to anger, here are some tips to help:

1. Become aware of how your body feels when you are starting to get angry. Do you feel your heart rate or blood pressure rising, do you feel hot, does your voice change or do you stop talking, do you feel any muscles tensing, is your thinking becoming less clear or more negative, are you ruminating on the other person’s faults or thinking about revenge, are you becoming cranky with those around you? Whatever your signals are, start to pay more attention to when they are happening and then tune into your inner thermostat…
   
2. Tune in to your body and your inner thermostat. High arousal produces stress hormones that agitate the brain and body, and can quickly flare to anger. Set an inner scale or thermostat of 1-10 for yourself where 10 is volcanic eruption where you have lost control, and 1 is a state of calm. Constantly check in to where you are on the scale. If you are already around 5-6 and know you are quick to flare up, then you need to put yourself in a time-out, remove yourself from the stressful stimulus and focus on your breathing. Breathe slowly while counting to yourself, breathe in through your nose for 2 seconds, and breathe out through your mouth for 2. Keep doing that until you feel your thermostat resetting closer to 1. If necessary, go for a walk and talk to yourself calmly, tell yourself it isn’t worth it and recall a memory of a calm and happy time.
   
3. Make some form of relaxation or stress management part of your daily routine. This will help to keep your stress levels lower in general, while helping you to become more aware of when stress hormones and anger are building.
   
4. Think about what your hot button topics are. By that I mean think about what often causes your anger to flare and work to manage the stimulus. For example, if you know tend to over-react to other drivers, then think about what you can do to change your behavior when you are behind the wheel. Take control, don’t be at the mercy of your emotions or other people’s behaviors.
   
5. Don’t try to justify your anger. There is always a better way of dealing with a situation. We can always be more effective in our problem-solving, our communication and our compassion for those around us.
   
6. Consider having some cognitive-behavioral therapy or reading some self-help books on thinking patterns and how we can change them. Often people who are angry a lot are also rigid in their thinking, or they think in very black and white, all or nothing patterns. The other person is right or wrong, friend or enemy. Once we can start to do better with our rational response, we can reduce our stress levels.
   
7. Remember that anger is a stop sign, and when we feel our anger accelerating we need to take responsibility for exiting the stressful situation and calming ourselves down. We also need to let others leave if they are afraid or anxious around us, and resist the impulse to follow them or demand a continuation of the fight.
   
8. Finally, use the anger as an opportunity for growth and development. If you find yourself getting angry a lot then it can be a sign that there are things in your life you need to address, or maybe there are wounds from the past that need to be healed. Don’t ignore the symptoms, take control, and consider working with a therapist to resolve your issues.
   

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

This article was also published on English Informer In France