Recently I was talking with someone who is having disturbing dreams, as he wants to understand why he is having them and what he can do to stop them. He also wanted to see if I could help him interpret what the dreams are about. While I am not a specialist in analyzing dreams, it got me thinking about dreams in general. We all have dreams (humans and animals alike), even if we don’t remember them, and they are of such significance to our ability to function well that scientists around the world study the mechanics and purpose of dreaming, and have started exploring how to manipulate our dream states to help with sleep disorders and mental health problems.

So why do we dream? No one has yet been able to provide a clear reason, but we do know that dreams are a way that the mind has of working through difficult experiences and feelings. Dreaming also seems to be an important part of memory processing, uniting past and present information that the brain has absorbed while preparing for the future. In general, paying attention to our dreams can give us insight into what is preoccupying us, and to who we are.

Dreams are part of how the brain processes what has been happening to us in our daily lives, and as such the majority of people we dream about are known to us in person or by their role. We also tend to dream about things that are related to us, such as our jobs or hobbies. Sometimes we dream about things immediately after they happen, but at other times there is a time-lag and the consolidation of memories happens with incomplete fragments that appear over time, much as if the brain were piecing together a jigsaw puzzle.

There are different kinds of dreams, such as nightmares, which are frightening dreams that can cause us to wake up or be fearful of going to sleep; recurring dreams which contain a repeating pattern; and lucid dreams, where brain activity is unusually high and we are aware that we are dreaming and can manipulate what we are dreaming about.

Just a with sleep, dreaming can be disrupted, and can be an indication of physical or mental health problems. Drugs and alcohol can alter our dream pattern for example, while people who are depressed are more likely to have nightmares. In fact, the relationship between dreaming and depression is particularly interesting, as people who are depressed tend to have excessive REM sleep, likely because they are more given to cognitive introspection and are more highly autonomically aroused, and dreams are linked to autonomic arousal. Excessive dreaming can be exhausting for the mind and body, and so some anti-depressant medication reduces dream sleep. This is a good reason why it is important to keep active and not give in to the urge to curl up and sleep when you are depressed.

It is not all bad news though, as dreams can be a rich source of creativity, providing inspiration for novel ideas or problem solving. Some people find it helpful to keep a pen and paper next to the bed so they can record their dreams immediately upon waking and take full advantage of the insight they gain from their brain activity while sleeping.

Dreams can be disturbing, enlightening, comforting and puzzling, but they are always fascinating insights into who we are, where we have been, and perhaps where we are going. Pay attention to your dreams and see what you learn about yourself.

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Recently I heard from a lady who is in a difficult relationship. She has been verbally abused by her partner for some time, but lately that abuse has become physical violence. She doesn’t have any family close by and is unsure whether she should stay, or risk leaving without a definite place to go to. In this situation, should a woman stay or go?

On the face of it, the answer is simple, she should get out.

However, people who have been in abusive relationships know that it is often not that easy. There are financial and emotional factors that hold you together, and quite often there are children, property, family and social ties that convince you it is worth hanging in there and giving it another chance. It might also feel shameful to admit the truth of what is going on in your relationship, or maybe you believe on some level that you have contributed to the violent behavior you are experiencing. You may also think that your partner still loves you and doesn’t mean to hurt you. And what if there are children that you don’t want to disrupt, or pets that you don’t want to leave behind, or maybe you don’t live anywhere near a domestic shelter and don’t have anyone that might take you in if you can’t afford a place of your own?

I have seen women going through these dilemmas time and again. Unfortunately, when you are living overseas the situation can be even more complicated as your family and close friends are in another country, and taking children with you can cause all kinds of legal and custody disputes, which the woman might not be financially equipped to fight. The following illustrates some of the reasons why women stay in violent and abusive relationships:




From: https://sites.google.com/site/aright2bsafe/

So, in our case example, should she stay or should she go? Here are some important things to keep in mind:

• Women, and men, in this situation need to know that you should never live in fear of the person you love. It is vital you learn to tell the difference between a healthy-yet-difficult relationship and one that is just not working. No relationship is worth saving at any cost.
  
• Remember that relationships should be based on mutual trust and respect. If your partner fulfills neither of these criteria, then what are you staying for?
• If your partner has a serious problem with anger, alcohol, or anything else that threatens your safety, then you need to recognize that the problem is theirs, and don’t make it yours.
• If children are involved, consider their safety and what they are witnessing as they are growing up. Is yours the type of relationship you want them to aspire to? Is there a risk the violence could spill over to include them?
• If you are concerned about where you would go or what would happen to the children, seek legal advice and work out your options and your escape route in case you need it.
• Ultimately, where violence is involved, you need to stop waiting to see if things are going to get better, and recognize that your own safety and well-being is the absolute priority.
  

Here are some websites that might prove helpful if you, or someone you know, is in this situation:
https://domesticviolenceuk.org/
http://www.lost-in-france.com/living-in-france/life/190-domestic-violence
https://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/types-of-violence/domestic-intimate-partner-violence.html
https://helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Working with clients in France, I am increasingly aware of the struggles many people face here. While people who move abroad looking for a better life or a new adventure often do find the happiness they seek, it is important to know that there can be tough days for all of us, and some people find it more challenging than others. I have lived in several different countries (including Japan, America and now France) so I can easily relate to the stories I hear. Phrases I often hear from clients include “I feel like an outsider”, “I feel trapped”, “I feel isolated” or “I feel lost”.

According to a survey by Internations (https://www.internations.org/expat-insider/2016/common-expat-problems), there are common problems experienced by people living overseas, and these include worrying about finances, adjusting to a different culture, coping with the language barrier, and dealing with changes in your relationship with your partner.

Obviously, we all experience problems in our daily lives such as having a bad day at work or not getting along with our spouse. Talking about your problems doesn’t mean you are being weak or negative, it just means you are dealing with the realities of life. These times are made more bearable though, by having a caring support system around you, and once you become an expat you often find that support system shrinking.

So, the point of my post today is to let you know that there is no shame in feeling that you are not coping well with your life in a new country, in fact these kinds of struggles are common. With Brexit looming many people are finding these issues are intensified as they face difficult decisions about staying or going back to the U.K., and all the while a new wave of people in Britain are considering leaving before the Brexit deadline to start that new life in a place in the sun.

If you are struggling at all, then reach out to your support system or consider talking to someone such as a professional counsellor. I offer a free 20 minutes where we can chat to decide if I am the right person to help you, and if not, I can direct you to the appropriate resources.

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

This article was originally published for my column at English Informer in France

When we first get together with a new partner we often want to spend all our time together, perhaps at the expense of other relationships and obligations. This tends to settle down into a routine after we make a commitment to each other, and gradually we work our couple time around work and family life, perhaps to the point where we feel we sometimes feel like ships passing in the night.

As I now work in France, I see plenty of couples who have made the big move to live overseas, and often a driving factor is their desire to start a new shared adventure, and perhaps rediscover some of that quality time together that was lost in the hustle and bustle of daily life in the UK. However, the grass is not always greener on the other side, as leaving behind the old routine with family, work and friends, forces couples to spend more time together than they have been used to, and this can bring its own conflicts.

While we may think that spending more time together on building a shared dream will be blissful, it can in fact bring new stress; and it’s okay to admit that maybe it isn’t as great as you were expecting it to be. When you are also dealing with a new culture, new language, lack of social support and challenges in finding work or renovating a house, then that’s an enormous amount of stress for anyone to take on. So how can you protect your relationship in the midst of all these changes?

• Acknowledge if you each need different amounts of time together. One of you might crave more time together while the other needs some independence. This might be due to your differing attachment styles, or the level of reassurance you need amidst all the changes. Either way, it is okay to be open about your differences.
• Open up communication and talk about what each person needs and how those needs can be met so that you both feel you are devoting enough time to the relationship.
• Time apart can be healthy. You don’t need to paddle the boat together, sometimes it is better to paddle two boats side by side. Try to make space in the relationship where you each go out and develop a new interest or make some new friends so that you remain a whole and healthy person who brings something interesting and positive to the relationship.
• Keep some quality couple time together on the calendar. Make sure you have time off regularly to dress up and go out to do something romantic and fun. It is too easy to be consumed by your new life of renovation and work and forget that you were romantic partners and lovers before you became a team. Don’t lose sight of what drew you together in the first place.
• You came to this new place to take on a shared adventure, so make sure that you check in with each other on how that vision is developing. Are you both still finding it fulfilling or is one of you struggling? Are you documenting your achievements so you can see how far you have come? If the dream isn’t working out for one of you, what can you do as a couple to remedy that? Sometimes one partner finds they need more time back in the UK with friends and family, or they need more support to become better integrated into their new life. Regardless, the key is to keep talking and to work it out together.
• If you find you are struggling to make it work, then consider seeing a therapist together before the problems become terminal. It is far better to do some relationship maintenance while you are still communicating reasonably well, than to wait until too many hurt feelings have been stored up.
  

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

We hear a lot these days about the power of positive thinking, but can changing our thoughts really have much of an effect? Research in neuroscience suggests that it can.

Our brains build new neural pathways by repeatedly firing sets of neurons that wire together. When we start learning something new, such as taking a course or the first few weeks of a new job, we can feel like our brain is full and overloaded, and for a while it really is. As we keep repeating the new information input, or practicing a skill, the brain starts to make these pathways more robust and efficient, rather like an information super-highway.

At the same time, the brain is also de-cluttering by getting rid of old pathways that we are not using anymore, or in effect pruning and making space, as the underused pathways literally get marked for removal by a protein that attaches to them.
This has important implications because as we become aware of the how the brain works, we can begin to take advantage of this process and actively label which pathways are for growth, and which are for reassignment to the trash. Habits of mind reinforce new skills, behaviours and thinking patterns, so what is important is the combination of repeated practice along with the mindfulness to be aware of what you are focusing your thoughts on. And that is vital, because if you choose to focus your thoughts on ideas of revenge against your boss at work, or all the reasons why your spouse upsets you, or you constantly ruminate on why your life isn’t working out, then guess what? You are wiring yourself up to be more practiced and successful at the very things you need to avoid.

The research therefore seems to lend strong support to the idea that keeping your thoughts focused in a positive direction can indeed help to create a consistently more hopeful mood and a greater sense of vitality. To further aid the process, it is important to get a good night’s sleep. During sleep the brain rejuvenates itself and clears the toxins; it also does its important work of growing and pruning, although that procedure is far from understood at this point. Even a quick nap of 20 minutes during the day will give the brain some downtime to focus on these background tasks. When we are sleep-deprived our brain is overloaded and unable to repair itself, which is why the day after a poor night of sleep can feel like wading through treacle.
So, if you want an easy and fundamental way of taking care of your mental health, keep building those superhighways of positivity and get plenty of good quality sleep. Your brain will thank you for it!

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Often in my practice, and especially when working with couples, I see anger that is out of control. In relationships, this can quickly spiral into verbal or physical abuse. While anger is a normal emotion, it needs to be expressed in healthy ways and regulated. Traditional anger management techniques have focused on beating a pillow or yelling when you are alone, but we all need help to develop a deeper understanding of this emotion and effective ways of managing it.

Anger is basically just too much stress or distress – from memories, what’s going on around you, or what’s said to you. It is a complex emotion that signals we are feeling threatened, wronged, afraid. It is however, a normal emotion and can have its uses when expressed appropriately and within safe limits.

When anger isn’t regulated it can accelerate into criticism, name calling, shouting, throwing things, and at worst, threatening or hurting another person physically. This is when anger turns into abuse and violence, and it is never acceptable. Remember that you can never trust your own judgement when you are angry.

Anger is at its core, part of our fight or flight stress response that enabled us to get away or deal with danger and threat. As infants, it also helps us get our needs met, for example if we aren’t getting fed or picked up and cuddled when we want to. The ability to develop self-control, however, is one of the things that separates humans as a species. Our brain has the capacity to process what is going on, regulate strong emotions and then rationalize our response, but anger inhibits that activity. As we mature we learn to subdue our impulses in order to evaluate our options and consider the best course of behavior to get what we want. If you grew up in an angry family, or struggled to get your needs met, then maybe you didn’t learn good impulse control habits, but it is never too late.

Anger is a signal, it is telling us that we need to calm down, review what is pushing our buttons and take control of our behavior. When we don’t we can find our work, our relationships and our self-image begin to suffer. Nobody likes to be around someone who is quick to flare up and display their temper on a frequent basis.

So, if you find yourself losing control to anger, here are some tips to help:

1. Become aware of how your body feels when you are starting to get angry. Do you feel your heart rate or blood pressure rising, do you feel hot, does your voice change or do you stop talking, do you feel any muscles tensing, is your thinking becoming less clear or more negative, are you ruminating on the other person’s faults or thinking about revenge, are you becoming cranky with those around you? Whatever your signals are, start to pay more attention to when they are happening and then tune into your inner thermostat…
   
2. Tune in to your body and your inner thermostat. High arousal produces stress hormones that agitate the brain and body, and can quickly flare to anger. Set an inner scale or thermostat of 1-10 for yourself where 10 is volcanic eruption where you have lost control, and 1 is a state of calm. Constantly check in to where you are on the scale. If you are already around 5-6 and know you are quick to flare up, then you need to put yourself in a time-out, remove yourself from the stressful stimulus and focus on your breathing. Breathe slowly while counting to yourself, breathe in through your nose for 2 seconds, and breathe out through your mouth for 2. Keep doing that until you feel your thermostat resetting closer to 1. If necessary, go for a walk and talk to yourself calmly, tell yourself it isn’t worth it and recall a memory of a calm and happy time.
   
3. Make some form of relaxation or stress management part of your daily routine. This will help to keep your stress levels lower in general, while helping you to become more aware of when stress hormones and anger are building.
   
4. Think about what your hot button topics are. By that I mean think about what often causes your anger to flare and work to manage the stimulus. For example, if you know tend to over-react to other drivers, then think about what you can do to change your behavior when you are behind the wheel. Take control, don’t be at the mercy of your emotions or other people’s behaviors.
   
5. Don’t try to justify your anger. There is always a better way of dealing with a situation. We can always be more effective in our problem-solving, our communication and our compassion for those around us.
   
6. Consider having some cognitive-behavioral therapy or reading some self-help books on thinking patterns and how we can change them. Often people who are angry a lot are also rigid in their thinking, or they think in very black and white, all or nothing patterns. The other person is right or wrong, friend or enemy. Once we can start to do better with our rational response, we can reduce our stress levels.
   
7. Remember that anger is a stop sign, and when we feel our anger accelerating we need to take responsibility for exiting the stressful situation and calming ourselves down. We also need to let others leave if they are afraid or anxious around us, and resist the impulse to follow them or demand a continuation of the fight.
   
8. Finally, use the anger as an opportunity for growth and development. If you find yourself getting angry a lot then it can be a sign that there are things in your life you need to address, or maybe there are wounds from the past that need to be healed. Don’t ignore the symptoms, take control, and consider working with a therapist to resolve your issues.
   

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

This article was also published on English Informer In France

In my work with couples, I often see partners come into therapy with complaints about similar issues. They say “we have communication problems”, “we fight all the time”, “we constantly disagree about money / parenting / the in-laws”, “we don’t have sex anymore”. The list of issues is endless, but the core of the problem is always the same. Couples come to therapy because they have lost their connection with each other, they have lost sight of what it was that drew them together in the first place, and now they are floundering and unhappy.

Interestingly, it is not attending to the big disagreements that mends the couple relationship, it is repairing the emotional connection and helping couples to care for the relationship on a daily basis. In doing so we need to learn that it is the small repetitive behaviours that make or break our bond with each other, the things we do or don’t do each day that either build up trust and a deepened intimacy, or that tear us apart.

Relationship expert John Gottman has spent decades studying couples and what makes a relationship succeed or fail. He has identified the emotional bids that partners make when they are trying to engage with each other. In a six-year study, Gottman found that couples who consistently respond positively to each other’s emotional bids, or turn towards each other, are more likely to stay together. In his study, those couples who turned towards each other’s emotional bids over 80% of the time went on to stay together long term, while those who ended up divorcing only turned toward each other about a third of the time.

An emotional bid can be as straightforward as a request for a hug or a comment about our day. Gottman has identified four possible ways that we respond to these bids:

1. We can turn towards our partner
2. We can turn towards our partner with enthusiasm and focus
3. We can turn away from our partner
4. We can turn against our partner

To illustrate this, let’s imagine a scenario where one partner has had a hard day at work. The commute was difficult, there was a series of unproductive meetings that didn’t go well and a serious disagreement with a colleague rounded off the day into a perfect storm. Our unhappy spouse comes home exhausted and wants nothing more than to watch some mindless TV and be left alone. Then their partner comes home, seemingly in a bright mood and starts talking about her day while she unpacks some shopping in the kitchen.

In this example, the partner who comes home tired can either make a kind comment to acknowledge their loved one is in a bright mood and had a good day, or go into the kitchen and engage in conversation about her day, or ignore her, or ask her to be quiet as the TV is on. Which would you choose? Interestingly, you don’t always have to be enthusiastic, sometimes it is enough just to acknowledge your partner’s bid for attention and make them feel valued in the process.

An emotional bid is the way that we each constantly check in to make sure our partner still cares, and when it is answered with positive attention it serves to reinforce and strengthen the relationship. So, take note of the ways in which your partner makes emotional bids to you, and be sure you turn towards and not away. It could be the key to saving your marriage.

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you, and this can be face to face, via phone or video link, whichever feels easier for you.

This article was also published as one of my regular posts for English Informer in France

Coping with Sleeplessness and Insomnia
Many of us suffer with periods of poor sleep, where we spend endless hours staring at the alarm clock as we struggle to get to sleep and stay asleep, or we find ourselves waking up much too early and then feeling exhausted throughout the day as our time in bed failed to leave us feeling refreshed. When this pattern repeats, these periods of poor sleep can build up into a cycle of anxiety about sleep in general, and thus we can get into a vicious cycle.

The symptoms I have described can be diagnosed as insomnia when they occur regularly each week for at least a month and cause distress, and they are of concern as they can lead to problems functioning during the day. We all know how short tempered we become when we are tired, and how tough it is to get even the simplest of tasks completed. Some days it can feel like we are wading through treacle when all we really need is some good quality sleep. As a counsellor, I often see that poor sleep is additionally associated with anxiety and depression, and therefore disrupted patterns of sleep can be indicative of other problems in a client’s life.

Our dream patterns are also important, as dreams are in effect a form of stress control where the patterns of stress arousal during the day are worked through in the brain and in a sense ‘deactivated’. In normal sleep, we fall into REM or dream sleep about every 90 minutes, with around 2 hours a night spent dreaming; but if a person is depressed they can have excessive dream sleep, which leads to higher stress arousal and exhaustion. Some anti-depressants reduce our amount of dream-sleep, as does a pattern of the brain naturally starting to wake earlier than normal. It is therefore both the amount and the quality of our sleep that we need to pay attention to.

If you are finding that your sleep patterns have been changing for the worse lately, and your GP has ruled out a physical cause, then here are some tips to help you recondition your mind and body back into a good sleep pattern:

• Allow enough time for the amount of sleep you need, and expect that it will take about 15 minutes on average to fall into the first stages of sleep.
• Make sure your room is dark enough for you to get to sleep and stay asleep
• Don’t drink more than two glasses of alcohol or smoke cigarettes before bed
• Don’t drink caffeinated drinks in the two hours before bedtime
• Avoid screens and TV just before bed, as this stimulates your brain rather than helping it to switch off
• Avoid long naps during the day were you fall into dream sleep or interrupt a healthy sleep pattern.
• If you spend prolonged periods trying and failing to sleep, then start with the expectation of a few hours of good sleep, and build from there, rather than aiming for a full 8 hours straight off. This will reduce your frustration and anxiety that can build up as you get closer to bedtime.
• Make sure that you only use your bed for sex and sleep! By this I mean that you need to condition yourself to associate bed with restful activity, and not as a place where you work, spend a lot of time watching TV, or checking your social media accounts.
• Make sure you have a good amount of physical activity during the day so that your body is physically tired. This is particularly important if you have a job where you spend large amounts of the day indoors, sitting or staring at a screen.
• Establish a good wind-down routine before bed, which might include a warm bath, reading and doing some relaxation or meditation.
• Invest in making your bed a place where you feel happy and relaxed. If we spend half our lives in bed, then it’s worth having that be a warm, quiet and comfortable place that you look forward to visiting each day.
• Find a comforting place to go in your mind as you lie in bed preparing to sleep, and don’t allow your thoughts to race all over the place trying to solve your problems, or replay moments of the day that caused you to become upset or excited.
• If you do find yourself waking up for more than half an hour, then don’t just lie in bed getting anxious about not sleeping, get up and do something very low-key and non-stimulating. Don’t put the TV on, check your emails, or make a snack, just sit in a quiet room and read or listen to calming music until you start to feel sleepy again.
• And finally, if you have a lot of stress in your life then your lack of sleep may be a symptom of that, so consider talking to a counsellor about your concerns. Seek help rather than allowing the problems to build up and feel unmanageable.

Sleep is a necessity for human functioning, and good sleep is a pleasure, so don’t allow yourself to be deprived from it for prolonged periods.

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

This week I feature a reader question from a young person who moved to France with his mother:

Dear Dr Jules
My mum is a single parent and I am 15. I was happy with my life and school in the UK, but Mum wanted to move to France, always. We moved a couple of months ago. I have no friends and she doesn't. I hate the school cos my French is not great and I was getting ready for exams. My life is a mess and she is not happy. Already money is hard for her. I know we can't afford to move back as we have no-one there. But now I am starting to resent her. 

Hi there
Thank you for reaching out to ask for help. You are understandably frustrated with your situation, and possibly feeling somewhat out of control, which is never a comfortable place to be.

Moving to a new country is a huge step for anyone, as you leave behind everything that is familiar and encounter a new language and culture. Facing all the challenges of a big move is tough enough for anyone, but particularly when you are 15, and there are some good reasons for that.

When we are in the adolescent stage of life we have some vital developmental tasks to accomplish. Primarily this centers around forming strong friendships with our peers who are becoming more important in our life, while at the same time we start to pull away from our family as we need to become more emotionally and psychologically independent from them. And while all of that is going on, we know we should be focusing on school and figuring out who we are and what we want to be in life. It is an incredibly confusing and demanding time and unsurprisingly, therefore, few of us remember our teens as an easy period.

In your case, you have some complicating factors added in. You don’t yet have any close friends in France, and your mum is also isolated, so you are both forced to depend on each other more than you might want to. You are also having to navigate a new school system in a language you don’t yet fully understand, and at a time in your education where the pressure is starting to build. No wonder you are feeling resentful, and that your mum is in the firing line for all your pent-up feelings.
Whether you both stay in France longer term is something to be decided, but in the meantime, there are some things you can focus on to help you feel more in control:

• Find other British kids who are growing up in France. They can be a great source of support and help you navigate the French system. Eventually you will make French friends, but in the meantime, find some people your own age who have been there and done it already. You need a peer group around you, and although that group will likely change as you develop, having at least one part of your life be normal will be a step forward.
• Know that the process of adapting to your new life is going to take time, and don’t feel bad because you are finding it tough. It might well take you a few years to get to grips with the language, and possibly you will be set back in your education while you catch up with that to at least the point where you can function in French, even if you are never 100% perfect in it. I see many young people in France who moved here later in their education, and I am always amazed by them and their ability to move between the two worlds of being both British and French. Certainly they do a much better job of it than those of us who move here as adults!
• Have a little empathy for your mum and recognize that she has her own transition to make, and will need time to figure out the challenges she is facing. Just because we are adults doesn’t mean we have it all figured it out. This is a time for you to support each other and talk about your concerns, rather than retreat into your own space and shut each other out.
• Be aware that in time you will become increasingly adapted to, and engaged in the larger French society beyond your family and the local expats, but for now it is a matter of baby steps and being easy on yourself when you find it challenging and frustrating.
  

The processes of assimilation and acculturation are always challenging, particularly if you don’t feel it was a choice that was totally under your control. The good news is that you have the opportunity to develop into a bilingual/bicultural young person who is better equipped to function in a multicultural world, and that process will increase your resilience as well as your skill-set. So hang in there, give your mum a hug and talk together about the opportunities your life here could offer. Know also that there is support such as Counselling if either of you needs it.

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. Please contact me for more information.

Following on from my last post on the book Secret Secret and helping children to disclose, this week the book’s author Daisy Law offers a detailed look at what to do when a child is ready to disclose abuse.

Daisy Law:
Revealing abuse is a huge step for a child. Their future emotional health is tied to how they are allowed to express the complex range of feelings which the abuse and the abuser have caused them to feel. So the way you react to a child's disclosure of abuse can have a profound effect on how they feel about themselves and their experiences. Children pick up on reactions and may close down if they think you're reacting negatively.
When a child discloses abuse, take the S.A.F.E. REPORT approach:

S          Support and reassure
A         Actively listen and be calm
F          Fact gathering - go slowly
E          Explain the next steps

REPORT and note down the disclosure immediately.
Survivors of abuse can go on to lead happy, healthy, productive lives just like anybody else. The key is accessing the right kind of help. Following disclosure, many people can feel further abused by individuals or systems treating them inappropriately or insensitively, so letting a disclosing child know that it is safe to report it to you is the first step. A 'SAFE REPORT' should lead to the right kinds of changes taking place for the child: intervention and healing.

S          Support and reassure
Your face and your body language are important as the disclosing child will take cues from you. A smile and a soft tone of voice may make all the difference to a child taking the massive step of disclosing abuse to you. Remember that they will probably see disclosure as a huge risk. Not only have they been living with the abuser's wrongs, but also - as a result - had their expectations of adults skewed so they won't know what level of support and safety they can expect from you. They may also have very real fears related to threats from the abuser about what will happen if they tell anyone about the abuse.
There are supportive and reassuring things which you can tell a child who has just disclosed abuse:

• you believe them
• they are not in trouble
• they are safe with you
• the abuse is not their fault and they have not deserved it
• you are glad that they have been brave enough to tell you
• they have done the right thing in telling you
• you are sorry that they have been hurt or that this has happened to them
• you will do everything you can to prevent them being hurt again

Children need to know that they are loved and that nothing can change that, so that it is safe for them to speak up about any way they have been hurt or abused, but also so they can express their emotions over time. It's OK to tell a child that you're proud of them for telling, and essential for the child to know that the situation was entirely the offender's fault. It's OK to tell a child that they are not alone: that some adults do wrong things and that this has happened to other children too, but that people are not allowed to treat children that way, so they owe absolutely no loyalty to someone who has hurt them.

A         Actively listen and be calm
You may feel shocked and horrified to hear the abuse being disclosed, but it is vital to remember to be calm. The child disclosing abuse may feel ashamed, angry, scared and powerless. They may be especially frightened that you won't believe them, or that you may 'side' with the abuser for some reason. Particularly if the abuser is someone you know personally, you may feel outrage, anger, frustration, sadness, disbelief, disgust, shock, guilt or self-blame. But you must remain calm and in control of your emotions in order to help the child. Strained facial expressions, physical recoiling or a voice filled with any of the above emotions could be misinterpreted by the child. They need acceptance, so provide it - your emotional needs can be met later.
There are reasons that the child needs you to be calm:

• an abused or neglected child needs to know you're available to help them
• the child needs you to listen
• the child needs you to hear what they say and do something about it for them
• the child needs you to be calm so that they aren't made even more anxious
• actively listening may mean remembering specific phrases and terms the child used
• actively listening may mean remembering euphemisms as well as direct descriptions
• an abused or neglected child needs your calm response to signal a possible solution
  

The child may have already endured wildly fluctuating behaviours, aggression and menacing situations at the hands of the abuser, as well as cold and unemotional manipulation. So if you express your reactions, the child may associate your response to fearful experiences and be further traumatised. Listen carefully and show your warmth and humanity while they have the freedom to speak - simply nodding as you listen, or saying "It's OK," or "I'm here to help now," may make all the difference.

You can tell the child that this is a situation which was unfair and wrong, but that there are kind people out there who can help them work through it and be happy.

F          Fact gathering - go slowly
It is normal to feel inadequate or unsure about what to do or say when a child or youth tells you about their abuse. It's natural to ask questions, especially as many children will use different words for body parts and actions. But remember that you're not an investigator. Professionals can ask for more details at a later stage, so it's vital that you don't push for more information than the child is willing to reveal now.

• proceed slowly
• gentle and open-ended questions such as: "Can you tell me more about what happened?" may be helpful.
• avoid questions that begin with "why"
• be brief - get only the essential facts for now
• limit your discussion to finding out generally what took place
• when you have sufficient information and reason to believe that abuse and/or neglect has occurred, gently stop gathering facts and be supportive

Questions starting with 'why' can cause a child to internalise blame. They cannot be expected to explain why the abuse has taken place and they may have experienced a unique set of rules, circumstances and expectations which can't be understood outside that context. Remember that children are universally expected to obey adults, so kids are not powerful enough to prevent the abusing adult from hurting them. The child cannot change what has happened, so anything which might be judgmental (such as 'you should have' statements) could harm their self esteem.
The child's immediate safety is an important fact to ascertain.

E          Explain next steps
Don't make promises to the child about what may or may not happen next. The child - quite understandably - may have thoughts about revenge and/or justice being meted out to their abuser. Gently explain that what has been done to the child is wrong, and that there are people that you must tell so that they can help. But do not promise what form the intervention will take. Explain to the child that you will write down what they've said and contact experts to help:

• provide only reassurance that is realistic and achievable
• discuss with the child what you think will happen next and who will be involved
• explain to the child that it might take time for them to feel happier, but that you will help with their healing.

As soon as you are able to (without distressing the child or stopping them from speaking) try to introduce another activity for calming and distracting them. If this means asking another person you can trust to help occupy the child, then make sure you introduce that gently. This will then enable you to document the disclosure and take appropriate action.

REPORT          Report and note down the disclosure immediately
As soon as possible, make a written record of what the child has said. Note down their exact own words as well as you can, along with any other key details such as anything they acted out or showed you, or how their demeanour was. There may be other supporting information which you may wish to add later, but it is vital to note down what has been said while it's fresh in your mind. Keep this initial record, even if you type it up later. Along with any other drawings, writing or related material from the child themself, this may be important to investigators.
Report the abuse as quickly as is possible to the police, social services, the child's doctor. There may be physical evidence which needs to be documented. Depending on the circumstances, there may also be immediate steps which authorities have to take to ensure the child's safety while investigations are made.

Healing and moving forward
There is nothing easy about dealing with a child's disclosures of abuse. There are many complex factors involved and every individual situation will have its own challenges.
Displacement can be one of the most challenging kinds of fallout from abuse. A child who has been (or is being) abused can struggle with displaced anger and frustration. They feel anger towards the person who has hurt them, but this is often displaced and directed at loved ones - especially people they can trust and feel safe with. They may shout, swear and try to hit you, often with no warning. The child needs to express these feelings and 'get them out' so directing it all at you may be the only way they can do that and feel safe. Don't ever hit back or shout - this just reinforces a negative self view for the child. Caring, understanding and kindness are the only way. It's not their fault and it will pass.

Counselling can massively increase the speed and success of healing, but every child will have different needs.
Healthy activities to normalise the daily routine can be helpful. Time outside running, cycling or on other sporting activities will promote confidence and autonomy as well as focus energy away from rethinking the abuse. Sometimes getting a pet can help as a child gives the animal care.

Psychological healing or 'mending the victim of abuse from the inside' can take many forms. Play therapy, biofeedback and self-soothing techniques have all had documented success in healing abused children and adults. Try whatever is available and find what works best.

Children can be overcome by feelings of loneliness or unloved after abuse, so offering unconditional, non-judgmental affection is essential. Physical acceptance and plenty of gentle hugs (as and if wanted by the child) can help to avoid a child feeling 'dirty' or unworthy of affection. Let the child decide when and if to talk about their feelings, but reinforce their feelings whenever they do so. Kids need to have a clear message that they don't have to protect you from their feelings - however 'messy' their expressions of inner turmoil may be. You can get your support elsewhere and its vital that the child doesn't feel responsible for your upset on top of the abuse they've endured. Above all, be consistent and dependable.
Justice is often uppermost in the minds of an abused child. Whatever the negative connotations of legal action and fears of stigma may be for an adult, avoiding punishment for the perpetrator can leave the child feeling that what was done to them - or they themselves - didn't matter. Children can be deeply worried about how many other people the abuser may hurt, so it is important not to dismiss an abused child's wishes for correct punitive measures to be taken, but to get the right professional to help them talk through all the options and consequences for everyone involved.

Take the lead from a child brave enough to shout and yell. When we speak out, we can change things.

Dr Jules
If you have been affected by any of the issues explored in these posts, counselling could be a solution to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. To find out more, please contact me via phone or using the contact form on this site.