Is there important stuff you need to talk about together before getting married? So much focus these days seems to go on the wedding with planning for the dress, the cake, the guest list, the honeymoon … but in reality it is the rest of your lives together that you should be planning and preparing for. Premarital counselling is used to help couples prepare for marriage, as you attend a number of counselling sessions together to discuss your future life as well as develop relationship skills.

Research suggests that premarital counselling can improve your chances of making your marriage last by about 30% (source) and with divorce rates as high as they are, this is certainly something to consider. While it is more normal for couples who are religious or seeking a religious ceremony to be offered premarital counselling, every couple can be helped to pick up on the potential problems in the relationship before they become serious pitfalls.

When you enter into a relationship with someone, each person brings their own values, opinions and expectations, and once you get past that initial phase of loving everything about each other, those differences will start to surface, and that is where counselling can help you to move to the next step.

So what kind of topics do you typically discuss in premarital counselling? Some areas include:

• Why are we getting married? What are our life goals together?
• How much do we know about important areas of each others history?
  
• How will we form an extended family and blend both families of origin together?
• How are we going to handle everyday concerns like housework and leisure time?
• How will we handle finances and budgeting?
• Do we want children, when and how many? What is our parenting philosophy?
• How will we build a mutually satisfying sex life? What if one of us wants sex and the other person doesn’t?
• How will we handle conflict, and are we willing to work on our communication skills?
• How do we both feel about extra-marital affairs or sex outside of the relationship? Where are our boundaries as a couple?

The list is not exhaustive, but you get the general idea I hope, and there is a lot to be gained from talking about some difficult topics with an objective person in the room. It is also a good time to find out how much you really know about each other, everything from small details such as blood type to secret hopes and dreams. Premarital counselling may reveal some surprises, but it’s better to find those out before you walk down the aisle, and hopefully you will be going forward together with a new sense of closeness and commitment.

Dr Jules

If you are in a relationship and think any of these topics could potentially be difficult, counselling can help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

This week I take a look at shyness. Research suggests about 90% of us say we have felt shy at some point, such as when we have to walk into a room full of people we don’t know, but many of us have figured out a defense system such as laughing or talking a lot. For some people this shyness develops into a more problematic situation and about 13% of the population could be diagnosed as having social anxiety, where our apprehension of being around others starts to inhibit areas of our life. It is a bit like imagining we each have a shyness thermostat inside us that leads us to interpret social situations with differing levels of fear, ranging from minimal to overwhelming.

Symptoms of higher levels of shyness or social anxiety include: blushing, sweating, shaking, racing heart, avoidance, apprehension of being around other people, self-consciousness, avoiding eye contact, appearing quiet and isolated at social occasions (which can also make you appear superior or you can be labelled anti-social), fear of being embarrassed or rejected, and in general being there without really being there.

Over time, if the anxiety continues we become conditioned to associate others with our fearful reaction and unpleasant feelings, and because we anticipate a poor outcome we avoid what we assume will be a loss in terms of creating relationships. This distancing from people before we even give them a chance means that we lose the opportunity to seek pleasure from a sense of affiliation as well as the chance of closeness with people who could become more important to us.

Imagine a teenage boy who is starting to have opportunities to interact with girls, and feeling a great deal of anxiety to the point where he freezes whenever he is around them. He then starts to avoid girls so he can feel less anxious, but over time as he compares himself to other boys this feeds into his sense of self, and his internal thoughts are that he is ineffective and unmanly. Eventually he pushes himself to go to a party and has a few drinks to try and calm himself down, but when a girl tries to talk to him he feels overwhelmed and leaves in a hurry. Word gets around his social circle that he is weird or possibly gay, which leads to him becoming even more isolated and then he starts showing signs of being depressed. It can be too easy to spiral into a self-defeating situation.

It is important to remember that humans are inherently social animals; we evolved to thrive on having a relational group to exist within, and if you do therefore find yourself becoming isolated in a way that leads to you to feel unhappy then here are 10 tips to help you:

1. To overcome your shy feelings, you need to act in the opposite way, e.g., be non-fearful and outgoing. Make a list headed ‘How would I act if I was not shy?’ List all the behaviors people would see, e.g., making eye contact, smiling, being communicative. Then go out and practice, practice, practice, and keep a note of the level of discomfort you feel each time. Over time your discomfort level will decrease.
2. Find a common interest group so you already have something to talk about, and when you find that group commit to yourself that you will keep showing up rather than making it a one-time deal.
3. Communicate via social media some of the time so you can express yourself without that awkward feeling you get in person. This will help you to build some rapport and commonality with people you are interested in developing an association with.
4. Test out whether your shyness thermostat has become set too high by going to a social occasion that you would usually avoid, and then compare your expectations with what actually happened, e.g., “I expected nobody would want to talk to me, but I struck up a conversation with someone and it went well”.
5. Vow to test out your hypothesis that ‘other people are a potential risk’ with each new person you encounter. Most people will be okay, but know that if they prove your hypothesis to be correct by behaving badly then that says something about them, and not about you.
6. Volunteer to take a role or to host, as this allows you to approach others at the event with specific requests, such as asking them to come and eat or pose for photos. Having something to talk about or a role you have to play can be a helpful way to ease into social occasions.
7. Make a 10% change in your behavior, such as asking one more question in class or sitting one row closer to the front, and then when that proves to be survivable, make it another 10% next time.
8. Think of open ended questions ahead of time so you have something to say, such as “how did you both meet?” or “I’m looking for something decent to read, what books have you read lately that you would recommend?” Know that lots of people are either hoping someone else will take the lead, or they like talking about themselves and appreciate the opportunity!
9. Take a deep breath and commit to see a good therapist who will support you through your transition to setting your thermostat from socially anxious to liking yourself and being comfortable around other people.
10. Remember that shyness is not valued in our society, whereas being assertive and extrovert is. In fact though, shy people can be more sensitive to what is going on around them and they often make keen observers of others, which can be a skill in many areas of life. Think about this quote by John Amodeo from his book The Authentic Heart: "If you experience shyness, consider it a blessing. Shyness is an entrance into a tender fold within your authentic heart … If you can allow yourself to experience shyness when it arises—if you can gently turn your attention toward the place in your body that feels this shyness—then it becomes a friend, not a threat. Embraced shyness transforms into sweetness … As your tolerance for shyness grows, there are greater possibilities for breakthroughs into the exhilarating pleasure of connecting."

Lastly, remember that while Facebook makes it seem as though everyone except you has hundreds of friends, in reality most people have just a couple of people they can call true friends, and it is those connections that count. Focus on being more socially comfortable and eventually you will make the acquaintances that lead to real friendship.

Dr Jules

If you are facing a challenge in your life because of social anxiety and can’t see a way forward, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgmental space to learn to find balance and confidence. For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting me in person. I also invite questions to be answered on my blog.

This week, I heard from someone who is struggling with some aspects of living far away from family.

Saying Goodbye Never Gets Easier

Dear Dr Jules,

It is the end of the summer holiday and I feel so sad. My family have all returned to the UK after a lovely visit. I know they have their own lives and that I cannot afford to join them, but I can't stand the pain each time we part.

Hi there,

I feel your pain on this one. I lived in America for fifteen years and only got to see my family during the summer holidays when we would fly back to Europe. The first time we said goodbye it was unbearable and I thought it would get easier, but it never did. Eventually I gave up a good career and moved to France so I could be around family again, and yet each time I approach the train station that we used to leave from I still feel that panic rising along with the memories of all the separations.

Family is so important to you and that is a gift you must not underestimate. Here are some tips I learned along the way that might help you to cope with the separation a little more easily:

• Start planning the next time that you will be together and enjoy the process of looking forward rather than looking back. Get some dates in the diary so you have that to work towards.
• Remind yourself that today you are one day closer to being together than you were yesterday.
• Invite your family to collect all the photos of the summer and burn them onto some CDs to share, or better yet create a photo album of this last time together. You could create a library of these memory books that you all look at when you are together so you remember the fun times.
• Set up regular times to chat on the phone or via video link such as Skype so you can stay in touch with each other’s daily lives.
• Get busy at home. Do you work, or do you have projects at home, or groups you are involved with? Maybe you need to expand your social circle by getting out more or volunteering? Whatever it is that keeps you occupied during the day, make sure you are filling up your diary with things you need to be doing so that you are less focused on what you are missing, and more absorbed with putting your energy into the life you have created for yourself.
• Next time your family leaves, make sure you have something planned to look forward to straight away, such as lunch at a favorite restaurant after you drop them at the ferry port, or a get together with good friends.

Saying goodbye is never easy but it is survivable. If you ultimately decide that the pull of family is too great, then that may one day be something you all need to discuss as a family. In the meantime, enjoy the moments you have together and the memories you are making, they are something to treasure.

Dr Jules

If you are feeling that you are struggling to cope or gain perspective, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgmental space to work through your problems. For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person 

This article was also posted at English Informer In France.