On this week's English Informer in France article I hear from a 37 year old man who is struggling to move forward with his life, and feeling stuck living with his parents. Find the original article here: http://www.englishinformerinfrance.com/full-article/Stuck-in-a-rut

Dear Dr Jules

I am a 37 year old man who lives in France with my 2 parents. In the UK I was a chef and thought in France I would find a job easily. I can speak medium French.

I have had a few short season jobs here, but not much. I am fed up with smoking, drinking and just following my parents around. Truth is I am not sure I have the confidence to go back to the UK and have no relatives to go to. I feel stuck in a rut

Hi there,

Reading your letter it sounds like you are feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I can sense your frustration. I am guessing you have a close relationship with your parents if you moved here to be near them? It certainly sounds as though you came to France to find the family you say you don’t have in the UK. However, at 37 you are a long way past the stage of a young adult who is living at home until they get on their feet, and so it is time to launch and leave the nest again to make your own life.

So what do we envisage the average 37 year old man would be doing? Off the top of my head I would say working, seeing friends, dating and finding a partner to make a life with, taking part in hobbies or leisure pursuits, etc. On the plus side you do have a reasonable grasp of the French language, so you could strongly consider making a life in France that would allow you to still see your parents regularly, while building your own independent life. You could also do the same back in the UK where employment might be easier to find, but you are the only person who can decide how important it is to retain that close link with your parents.

Once you have decided which country you want to make your life in, then it’s time to take a deep breath and move forward. Write down some columns with headings such as I suggested (work, etc.) and then list what you need to do to start making progress with each one. With work for example, do you need to step outside of your current skill set and consider what else you can do? Have you visited your local employment office with a current CV and registered for work? Are you willing to travel outside of your local area to find work? Break each column down into steps you can take and then start filling up your calendar with things to do each day to move forward. If you are feeling like your self-esteem has taken a dent then visualize yourself doing well in your future life and focus on your strengths that will take you there.

Ultimately it is time to leave the nest and stop following your parents around, and your frustration stems from that feeling you have deep down that you need to do something about it. So decide which country pulls your heart and then take the first step. I’m sure you have the ability to do it!

Dr Jules

If you are feeling stuck with your life and can’t see a way forward, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgmental space to explore your options. For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person  

This week's column on English Informer in France focused on a situation where the writer is disabled and feels alone and frustrated much of the time. You can see the original article here: http://www.englishinformerinfrance.com/full-article/Feeling-Isolated

19th April, 2016

Feeling Isolated

Dear Dr Jules,

I am in a wheelchair 90% of the time, my wife works all day and I have 3 children who are all at school. I get frustrated because of funds I only get out when she can take me. Friends come around sometimes but I think they are even fed up now. I am so bored and don't know what to do. Funds are low and I think there is nothing much left for me until everyone comes home at 6 pm

Hi there,

I can sense your isolation and frustration very clearly, and can see how it would be easy to begin to feel your sense of self worth decreasing. Unfortunately, too much alone time is not a good thing, as you are finding out, so it is important to find ways to keep occupied or feel connected with other people. You might think friends are fed up with you, but that could also be your low mood talking. Invite people over if they have time, and make sure you don’t dwell on your problems when they are with you. Ask about their lives and maybe suggest they can help you get out of the house for a bit. If you have access to a smart phone or computer then it is also a great idea to get involved with some groups via social media such as Facebook or online organizations that either share your interests or offer support to people who are dealing with chronic health problems. I am also wondering what you can do to be more involved with your local community and find voluntary work, or perhaps paid work you can do from home?

I know it must feel like you don’t know where to start, but staying home alone all day can lead to depression and feeling hopeless. I really encourage you to see your value, and the importance of fighting hard to show your kids how great you really are. You have three great children and a partner, and they need you! Make a list with them of all the things you can do start filling up your days, and then pick one small thing you can do right now and start there. Let your kids encourage you each day with each step forward. It is amazing how these things can snowball!

Dr Jules

If you are feeling isolated and stuck with your life, then counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgmental space to explore your options. 

For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person  

This Dr Jules column appeared at: http://www.englishinformerinfrance.com/full-article/Coming-Out-I-am-so-confused

Dear Dr Jules

I know that I am gay. I am 24 and never had any feelings towards the opposite sex. I live at home with my Catholic parents and so no before you say tell them, I can't. I haven't enough money to move out. I work as a temp secretary, which is also a problem as someone there, my gender, seems to like me. I am so confused just don't know where to turn any more

Hi there,

You must feel like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place right now, and I can only imagine how difficult this feels. Coming out is a long series of stages, and there is no right order or right timing to any of it. Many people who I have spoken to in the LGBTQ community over the years feel that they are always coming out, as there are constantly new situations where they have to consider whether or not to reveal their sexuality, such is the nature of our heterosexist society.

It sounds like you are working through the stage of coming out to yourself and figuring out your sexuality. It might be helpful for you to know that human sexuality is a lot more fluid and complex than either being gay or straight, and it is often easier to figure these things out when we have understanding people to talk to. You don’t say whether or not you live near a larger city, a university campus or some place that might have LGBTQ support? It might well be helpful for you to research what’s available on-line and consider reaching out to talk to someone who understands. In the meantime I would say it is important not to feel isolated and I am wondering if there is someone you trust to talk to, maybe a friend? You certainly should not rush to discuss it with your parents if that doesn't feel safe, but please don’t feel like you have to figure it all out by yourself.

Dr Jules

Working through the steps of coming out is a process that can be complex and fraught with anxieties and risks. Counselling can be helpful in providing support and a non-judgemental space to explore your options. 

For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person  

Divorce or the ending of a committed relationship is always hard, but particularly when children are involved. One of the toughest parts is integrating the different families and figuring out how to parent when you have children who are no longer living with you full time. This gets even more challenging if your children are living in two different countries, as may be the case for ex-pats in Europe. Here a recent column I wrote on this topic, and you can read the original article here: English Informer in France

My partner has kids in two different countries and it’s tearing us apart

Dear Dr Jules
My partner and I have been together for six years, but things have been increasingly difficult since his ex-wife took their kids back to England 2 years ago to be with a new partner. He says he finds it really hard being away from his kids there, and also feels guilty if he is here feeling happy with me and the kids we have together. He has left me a few times as he finds it all so confusing, but he always comes back. Increasingly I start to wonder if I want him to come back next time he leaves or goes back to visit his kids as it seems so rocky between us.

Hi there,
I can see why you are finding this so hard, as you are never sure where your partner’s heart is. From his perspective I can imagine it must be terribly difficult to have children living so far away. He must be a loving father to work so hard at keeping close relationships with all his children, in spite of the difficulties spending time together.

On the positive side he has been able to keep a good enough relationship with his ex-wife so that he can stay involved in his children’s lives, and he also has made a home with you and works to support you and your family. I wonder how much time he spends back in England and if you would ever think of travelling with him for those visits, or if his children ever spend time staying with you? Have you ever discussed relocating to England so the two families can live closer to each other, and thereby reduce the stress on your partner?

The bottom line here is communication, communication and then more communication. You are both feeling conflicted and uncertain about where you stand and where you want to be. You do, however, have parenting responsibilities for a number of children, and how that is managed is something you need to resolve going forward so that everybody is clear of the expectations and needs. Whether you can make the relationship with him work is going to be a tough decision, but I hope it is one you can make together.
Dr Jules

Divorce and forming new families while retaining close ties with children from previous relationships are all very tough situations to navigate. Counselling can be helpful for individuals, couples and families in providing support and a non-judgmental space to explore your options and make positive changes.
For more in-depth help and counselling, consider contacting Dr Jules in person 

Body Image is something that often comes up in therapy. Rarely does anyone love their body or accept it as it is, and this inevitably affects confidence levels and sometimes our ability to relate to our partner and be intimate.

This video campaign caught my eye, and you might notice in the first part of the video how negative women are when they describe their bodies.

Love Your Body

Dealing with the in-laws can often be stressful as it involves putting in boundaries and learning to prioritize the couple relationship. This involves a shift when the couple first gets together, as illustrated in this article I wrote for English Informer in France: Dealing with the In-Laws