I’m a therapist who specializes in working with couples. I love the dynamics of the couple relationship, figuring out the ‘dance’ the two people are involved in with each other, and then helping them to learn new steps so the relationship can become satisfying again.

Most of the couples who come to see me complain of communication problems, which is a coded way of saying they are fighting more than usual. Disagreements between two independent intelligent people who live together are inevitable, so it is not the presence of conflict that is a problem. But how couples fight is something we do address in therapy to help the relationship survive, particularly as many of the things they fundamentally disagree on (money, in-laws, etc) are unsolvable.
Here then, are some golden rules on how to improve your conflict resolution skills in your relationship. These skills can also be applied in family relationships, friendships and work, but it tends to be our spouses who push our buttons the best:

1. Start softly
By this I don’t necessarily mean use a soft voice, although that can help, but if you start a discussion by being critical of your partner (going straight in with character assassination) or even contemptuous (sarcastic, hostile, eye rolling) then the discussion will generally be doomed to failure. Most of us already know how to manage our differences with calm and respectful discourse, it is usually how we function with colleagues at work, so apply the same rules when you are talking to your spouse, and don’t be drawn into accusations and assumptions.

2. Retain control of your physiology and emotions
When our pulse rises our body starts to flood with stress hormones and adrenaline, preparing for ‘fight or flight’. The more our emotional state takes over, the less our clear-thinking state can function. None of this is helpful when we are trying to have a discussion with our partner about a difficult issue. The key is to be mindful of what’s happening in your own body, pay attention to your stress levels and learn how to calm yourself down with breathing, or if necessary by asking to take a break from the discussion to allow you to calm down.
 
3. Don’t bring up the past
Arguments between couples can often descend into flinging those long stored up resentments at each other. Transgressions or hurts from before can’t always be forgiven, but what happened has happened and can’t be changed. If you want to move on then leave the past where it belongs and focus on making the now better, otherwise you will only keep re-opening old wounds.
 
4. Accept your partner’s influence
Research shows that partners who have the emotional intelligence to give and take, and accept the other person’s point of view, tend to have happier relationships. You don’t have to be a doormat, but learn to share the power in the relationship rather than dominate and you will both be happier.
 
5. Don’t go in to the discussion needing to win
Compromise often doesn’t feel good, but it’s an essential skill. Each of you will gain and lose something, but the primary goal is to take care of the relationship and not your own ego.
 
6. Learn to take a time out
Once the conversation starts going off the rails and you can feel yourself flooding with stress hormones, then don’t keep going, it won’t end well. Often couples I see descend quickly into contempt, retaliation, door slamming or even violence. Successful couples, however, use repair attempts such as gentle humour, making silly faces to calm things down, or just calling a time out so both partners can retreat and then reconnect to talk again later.
 
Whether you are in a new relationship or have been together forever, it is important to know that conflict is part of the deal of being with someone. But if you can fight well, then conflict and its repair can actually strengthen your bond rather than destroy it. It is never too late to learn effective relationship skills. If I can help, then drop me a line via my website.

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

In my work with couples, sex often comes up as part of the problem. Either there is too little, too much or what there is isn’t satisfying, and sometimes this leads one partner to look outside the relationship and enter into an affair.
To resolve these issues in therapy we need to work on the relationship dynamics in general, sex being a mirror of what is going on between the couple. But part of the problem can also be the narratives we believe or buy into about sex, e.g.,

• Sex should always be spontaneous
• Sex is only for love
• Both partners should orgasm, every time, preferably together (and she should have more than one)
• Male sexuality is simple, women are more complicated
• Women want intimacy and men just want to get laid
• Men always want it
• Women are much more monogamous than men.

In case you are wondering, all these narratives are untrue and can be damaging when we believe them! Men, for example, are often turned on by good relational sex and intimacy, where they can find a moment of closeness and acceptance, where they feel understood. If he is feeling anxious or is struggling with his perceived level of self-worth, then having a sense that he’s competent and loved because she is enjoying him and showing pleasure, this is an intensely important experience for a man. The quality of his experience often depends on the quality of her experience, so seeing her turned on really turns him on and makes him feel good about himself, which in turn helps him to feel safe and more content in the relationship.
Women, on the other hand, want to be the turn on. When I have worked with partners where the man has erectile problems, often the woman feels like there must be something wrong with her if he can’t do it. If she was more of a turn on, then there would be no problem. As New York relational therapist Esther Perel says, “The secret of female sexuality is how narcissistic it is”. So much of her life is about connecting with and caring for others, so for her to have good sex she needs to think of nobody but herself. For many women, it is a struggle to be that selfish and confident, but if they have an affair where they are free of their normal roles and responsibilities, suddenly they find themselves having great sex. With her lover she is interesting and wanted and she sees herself as desirable, and that’s a huge turn on.
All of this doesn’t mean that couples in a long-term relationship can’t have great sex. Quite the opposite. In therapy we explore and begin to understand the narratives that feel safe, but that constrain us, and then couples can be freed up to write a new story. Together.

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Lately I have seen a number of couples I know facing mental health challenges in one partner. Mental health is often still a stigma and many people may prefer to overlook changes in their loved one for as long as possible. Mental health, however, is as important as physical health, and we should work to maintain it, and get it attended to by a relevant professional as soon as possible when there are signs that something isn’t right. Early intervention can help to reduce the severity of an illness, or perhaps stop it developing altogether.

The impact on the couple relationship of one partner with mental illness can be extremely stressful, sometimes leading to the breakdown of the relationship. Considering this, learning about some warning signs of mental illness can help you to act sooner rather than later. Here are some things to look for:

• Dramatic changes in sleep pattern or appetite for food. If the partner is depressed they may often feel tired a lot of the time, regardless of how much more time they are spending in bed.
• Noticeable, prolonged changes in mood, particularly if the person is becoming depressed, irritable or anxious, or if they swing between mania and depression.
• The person starts to become withdrawn and take less enjoyment from activities they once wanted to participate in. They may also withdraw from social activity and friends.
• Functioning at work starts to drop, and the person seems less able to cope with daily problems and activities.
• Multiple physical ailments without obvious cause, such as vague aches and pains and head or stomach aches.
• You sex life together changes, or maybe disappears as your partner becomes withdrawn.
• Starts to show cognitive difficulties, such as difficulty thinking as clearly, poor memory and lack of concentration, or confused thinking.
• Seems to be losing touch with reality or the consequences of their behaviour or displays delusional thinking.
• Starts abusing alcohol or drugs.
• Becomes a risk to his or her self, or to others or property, this includes talking about death, self-harm or suicide.

One or two of these symptoms alone don’t indicate a mental illness but may be worth an evaluation. Several symptoms at one time, particularly if they are causing a change in the ability to function daily or interact with others, should be discussed with your GP. If a person has suicidal thoughts or intent, or thoughts of harming others, then you should seek immediate attention.

If you have any concerns, contact your GP in the first instance to discuss the symptoms, and what steps should be taken in terms of assessment and possible treatment. There may be physical health problems with similar symptoms that need to be explored. If psychological treatment is necessary, then you should also discuss couples counselling as an adjunct therapy. Working with an experienced counsellor can help you to repair any damage caused by the symptoms, as well as adjust to the changing demands of your partner’s health.

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. Feel free to contact me via the Contact page on this website.

This article was also published here: https://www.theenglishinformer.com/article_detail/Mental-health-is-as-important-as-physical-healthwww.theenglishinformer.com/article_detail/Mental-health-is-as-important-as-physical-health
 
 

In my last blog post, I focused on the need for couples to create and maintain emotional connection with each other. Part of the way we do this is by making regular Bids for Connection where we attempt to get the other person’s attention and some positive interaction. We don’t often indicate this desire by saying “Hey, let’s connect”, instead we tend to use more subtle methods such as sighing, touching, messaging a link to an article the other person will find interesting, or wanting to talk about our day.

What all these attempts are saying is “I really want your attention, I want to feel a connection with you, and I hope you will respond positively by showing some interest in me”.

Sadly, if we fail to respond to our partner, or we don’t respond in a positive way, then we send the message that we don’t care. This concept is the same with our children too by the way, only they often up the stakes by behaving badly so that we cannot fail to give them our attention!

Couples researcher John Gottman, who developed this concept, observed in one study that couples who were still married after six years made successful bids for connection 86% of the time, while couples who had divorced in this period only tended to do this 33% of the time.

Gottman tells us there are three ways we can respond to bids for attention:

1. We can turn AWAY from the person, ignore them or change the subject.
2. We can turn AGAINST the person, and say something critical or undermining.
3. We can turn TOWARDS the person, and give them the positive response they are looking for.
   

In his research, Gottman observed that happy couples turn towards their partners approximately twenty times more than couples in distress during every day discussions.

So, if your partner is wanting to connect with you by seeking your attention, then give it to them. If they want to share a moment with you because you are on their mind, then be soft and meet them in that place, don’t shoot them down, ignore them or leave them feeling bad. Every time you turn towards your partner’s bids for emotional connection, you are making a deposit in what Gottman calls your Emotional Bank Account, and your relationship is ideally a constant long-term investment in that account.

A strong relationship is made up of a million little instances where you showed care and attention for each other. None of these will cost you much in terms of time or energy, but they will collectively build over time to create an emotional connection that will reward you for years to come.

Dr Jules

If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

Couples come to see me with many complaints, such as communication problems, arguments over money, the in-laws, the housework, the kids … but in essence they are often asking for help with the same thing, which is to repair their emotional connection.

When we don’t feel connected to our partner, it can be a lonely place.

Partners can sometimes get stuck in a rut of repetitive negative thoughts about each other. They become caught inside their arguments about who is right, who is justified in feeling the way they do. Proving one’s rightness can devolve into a life or death struggle, but it only serves to become an obstacle to real connection. As the old saying goes, you can be right, or you can be married. Once the connection begins to dissolve, however, it can be a negative downward spiral to separation.

We grow up being taught that when we finally meet the perfect person, we will live happily ever after. This idea does us a great disservice because there is no perfect person, and all relationships, romantic or otherwise, require some work. So, if we start wounding each other we should spend less time questioning if the other person is really ‘the one’, and more time rolling up our sleeves to do the work; that is if we decide that we are willing to do the work with this person, or if we want to move on and try to learn the lesson with someone else. It might help to remember though, that love is not about novelty, it is about creating real emotional security together.

As an illustration of this, I wanted to share a moment in a couple therapy session that I witnessed which was simple, but extremely moving to watch, and a reminder of how creating connection can heal even the most troubled relationship. I had asked each partner to verbalize what the other person could do each day to help them feel more connected with each other. The wife talked about wanting him to do more around the house and improve his communication. When she had finished I invited him to share his ideas. He took her hand and said, “It would mean everything to me if once a day, every day, you could just take a minute to make real eye contact with me”. At that moment, for the first time in their therapy, I could feel the connection between the couple. They were sharing the same space, perhaps for the first time in quite a while. Her expression had changed, and she turned and met his gaze. Tears welled up for each of them (and perhaps a little for me too).

Emotional connection is about communicating from a place of vulnerability and trusting that your partner will respect you and reciprocate. Taking the risk to connect from the heart and not the head is when we start taking the real journey together in a relationship.

Next time I will be exploring how we make bids for emotional connection with each other, and how to respond to your partner to strengthen the relationship.

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.

This article was also published on English Informer in France: https://www.theenglishinformer.com/article_detail/Yearning-for-Connection

Couples Therapy, or marriage counselling as it is also called, is one of the top reasons why people contact a therapist for help. Even if the person contacting the therapist is asking for individual therapy, our relationships play a major role in our well-being, to the point where I often tell clients that mental health exists in the space between them and their significant others, rather than in their own heads.

Frequently couples are reticent to seek therapy for their relationship, or the partner that makes the call struggles to get their other half to attend with them. People fear it will be an uncomfortable and emotionally charged experience where the therapist will end up siding with one or other person, or telling them they should separate. Consequently, counselling can get postponed to the point where the relationship is on life support, and then the outcome might well be less favourable.

So, what does happen in Couples Therapy?

• The therapist is an objective observer of the relationship, who will respect both partners and their viewpoints equally.
• In the early sessions the couple will agree a clear set of goals for treatment, and the therapist will keep them on track, even when things feel emotionally challenging.
  
• The couple will be given praise for what they are doing well, and encouraged to do more of it.
• The therapist will give the couple new insight into their relationship and why the current dynamic isn’t working.
• The couple will have new skills to practice based on the therapist’s feedback, and will be helped to work as a team that can problem solve and communicate well together.
• The emotional intensity in sessions will be controlled so that work can take place and sessions don’t become just a repeat of what happens at home.
  

You don’t need to wait until both partners agree about attending therapy together. If you are distressed in your relationship, then seek help, and often your therapist will assist you to bring the other partner into therapy.

When you enter into Couples Therapy, it is important to understand that the therapist is not a magician who can fix any relationship. There are three people in the room, and each person has their responsibility to be an active agent in the process of change. The therapist guides you towards new solutions and ways of doing things, but ultimately the couples with the best outcomes are the ones who are receptive to feedback and motivated to do the work. It is also helpful to know that not all couples come to therapy for a happy ending. Sometimes a relationship needs help to end well, especially when there are children involved.

It has been said that the average couple that comes to counseling has been in distress for about six years before they make the call, which could explain why it is often one of the areas of therapy where people have the most complaints about outcome. As in all fields of mental and physical health, early detection and treatment is the best medicine. Good marriage is a highly skilled activity, so don’t wait until you reach the point where you can’t stand the sight of each other to seek help. Consider your marriage to be like a car and keep it well serviced!

Dr Jules

If your relationship is in distress, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you

Is there important stuff you need to talk about together before getting married? So much focus these days seems to go on the wedding with planning for the dress, the cake, the guest list, the honeymoon … but in reality it is the rest of your lives together that you should be planning and preparing for. Premarital counselling is used to help couples prepare for marriage, as you attend a number of counselling sessions together to discuss your future life as well as develop relationship skills.

Research suggests that premarital counselling can improve your chances of making your marriage last by about 30% (source) and with divorce rates as high as they are, this is certainly something to consider. While it is more normal for couples who are religious or seeking a religious ceremony to be offered premarital counselling, every couple can be helped to pick up on the potential problems in the relationship before they become serious pitfalls.

When you enter into a relationship with someone, each person brings their own values, opinions and expectations, and once you get past that initial phase of loving everything about each other, those differences will start to surface, and that is where counselling can help you to move to the next step.

So what kind of topics do you typically discuss in premarital counselling? Some areas include:

• Why are we getting married? What are our life goals together?
• How much do we know about important areas of each others history?
  
• How will we form an extended family and blend both families of origin together?
• How are we going to handle everyday concerns like housework and leisure time?
• How will we handle finances and budgeting?
• Do we want children, when and how many? What is our parenting philosophy?
• How will we build a mutually satisfying sex life? What if one of us wants sex and the other person doesn’t?
• How will we handle conflict, and are we willing to work on our communication skills?
• How do we both feel about extra-marital affairs or sex outside of the relationship? Where are our boundaries as a couple?

The list is not exhaustive, but you get the general idea I hope, and there is a lot to be gained from talking about some difficult topics with an objective person in the room. It is also a good time to find out how much you really know about each other, everything from small details such as blood type to secret hopes and dreams. Premarital counselling may reveal some surprises, but it’s better to find those out before you walk down the aisle, and hopefully you will be going forward together with a new sense of closeness and commitment.

Dr Jules

If you are in a relationship and think any of these topics could potentially be difficult, counselling can help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.