Couples Therapy, or marriage counselling as it is also called, is one of the top reasons why people contact a therapist for help. Even if the person contacting the therapist is asking for individual therapy, our relationships play a major role in our well-being, to the point where I often tell clients that mental health exists in the space between them and their significant others, rather than in their own heads.

Frequently couples are reticent to seek therapy for their relationship, or the partner that makes the call struggles to get their other half to attend with them. People fear it will be an uncomfortable and emotionally charged experience where the therapist will end up siding with one or other person, or telling them they should separate. Consequently, counselling can get postponed to the point where the relationship is on life support, and then the outcome might well be less favourable.

So, what does happen in Couples Therapy?

• The therapist is an objective observer of the relationship, who will respect both partners and their viewpoints equally.
• In the early sessions the couple will agree a clear set of goals for treatment, and the therapist will keep them on track, even when things feel emotionally challenging.
  
• The couple will be given praise for what they are doing well, and encouraged to do more of it.
• The therapist will give the couple new insight into their relationship and why the current dynamic isn’t working.
• The couple will have new skills to practice based on the therapist’s feedback, and will be helped to work as a team that can problem solve and communicate well together.
• The emotional intensity in sessions will be controlled so that work can take place and sessions don’t become just a repeat of what happens at home.
  

You don’t need to wait until both partners agree about attending therapy together. If you are distressed in your relationship, then seek help, and often your therapist will assist you to bring the other partner into therapy.

When you enter into Couples Therapy, it is important to understand that the therapist is not a magician who can fix any relationship. There are three people in the room, and each person has their responsibility to be an active agent in the process of change. The therapist guides you towards new solutions and ways of doing things, but ultimately the couples with the best outcomes are the ones who are receptive to feedback and motivated to do the work. It is also helpful to know that not all couples come to therapy for a happy ending. Sometimes a relationship needs help to end well, especially when there are children involved.

It has been said that the average couple that comes to counseling has been in distress for about six years before they make the call, which could explain why it is often one of the areas of therapy where people have the most complaints about outcome. As in all fields of mental and physical health, early detection and treatment is the best medicine. Good marriage is a highly skilled activity, so don’t wait until you reach the point where you can’t stand the sight of each other to seek help. Consider your marriage to be like a car and keep it well serviced!

Dr Jules

If your relationship is in distress, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you

Is there important stuff you need to talk about together before getting married? So much focus these days seems to go on the wedding with planning for the dress, the cake, the guest list, the honeymoon … but in reality it is the rest of your lives together that you should be planning and preparing for. Premarital counselling is used to help couples prepare for marriage, as you attend a number of counselling sessions together to discuss your future life as well as develop relationship skills.

Research suggests that premarital counselling can improve your chances of making your marriage last by about 30% (source) and with divorce rates as high as they are, this is certainly something to consider. While it is more normal for couples who are religious or seeking a religious ceremony to be offered premarital counselling, every couple can be helped to pick up on the potential problems in the relationship before they become serious pitfalls.

When you enter into a relationship with someone, each person brings their own values, opinions and expectations, and once you get past that initial phase of loving everything about each other, those differences will start to surface, and that is where counselling can help you to move to the next step.

So what kind of topics do you typically discuss in premarital counselling? Some areas include:

• Why are we getting married? What are our life goals together?
• How much do we know about important areas of each others history?
  
• How will we form an extended family and blend both families of origin together?
• How are we going to handle everyday concerns like housework and leisure time?
• How will we handle finances and budgeting?
• Do we want children, when and how many? What is our parenting philosophy?
• How will we build a mutually satisfying sex life? What if one of us wants sex and the other person doesn’t?
• How will we handle conflict, and are we willing to work on our communication skills?
• How do we both feel about extra-marital affairs or sex outside of the relationship? Where are our boundaries as a couple?

The list is not exhaustive, but you get the general idea I hope, and there is a lot to be gained from talking about some difficult topics with an objective person in the room. It is also a good time to find out how much you really know about each other, everything from small details such as blood type to secret hopes and dreams. Premarital counselling may reveal some surprises, but it’s better to find those out before you walk down the aisle, and hopefully you will be going forward together with a new sense of closeness and commitment.

Dr Jules

If you are in a relationship and think any of these topics could potentially be difficult, counselling can help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.