This week I feature a reader question from a young person who moved to France with his mother:

Dear Dr Jules
My mum is a single parent and I am 15. I was happy with my life and school in the UK, but Mum wanted to move to France, always. We moved a couple of months ago. I have no friends and she doesn't. I hate the school cos my French is not great and I was getting ready for exams. My life is a mess and she is not happy. Already money is hard for her. I know we can't afford to move back as we have no-one there. But now I am starting to resent her. 

Hi there
Thank you for reaching out to ask for help. You are understandably frustrated with your situation, and possibly feeling somewhat out of control, which is never a comfortable place to be.

Moving to a new country is a huge step for anyone, as you leave behind everything that is familiar and encounter a new language and culture. Facing all the challenges of a big move is tough enough for anyone, but particularly when you are 15, and there are some good reasons for that.

When we are in the adolescent stage of life we have some vital developmental tasks to accomplish. Primarily this centers around forming strong friendships with our peers who are becoming more important in our life, while at the same time we start to pull away from our family as we need to become more emotionally and psychologically independent from them. And while all of that is going on, we know we should be focusing on school and figuring out who we are and what we want to be in life. It is an incredibly confusing and demanding time and unsurprisingly, therefore, few of us remember our teens as an easy period.

In your case, you have some complicating factors added in. You don’t yet have any close friends in France, and your mum is also isolated, so you are both forced to depend on each other more than you might want to. You are also having to navigate a new school system in a language you don’t yet fully understand, and at a time in your education where the pressure is starting to build. No wonder you are feeling resentful, and that your mum is in the firing line for all your pent-up feelings.
Whether you both stay in France longer term is something to be decided, but in the meantime, there are some things you can focus on to help you feel more in control:

• Find other British kids who are growing up in France. They can be a great source of support and help you navigate the French system. Eventually you will make French friends, but in the meantime, find some people your own age who have been there and done it already. You need a peer group around you, and although that group will likely change as you develop, having at least one part of your life be normal will be a step forward.
• Know that the process of adapting to your new life is going to take time, and don’t feel bad because you are finding it tough. It might well take you a few years to get to grips with the language, and possibly you will be set back in your education while you catch up with that to at least the point where you can function in French, even if you are never 100% perfect in it. I see many young people in France who moved here later in their education, and I am always amazed by them and their ability to move between the two worlds of being both British and French. Certainly they do a much better job of it than those of us who move here as adults!
• Have a little empathy for your mum and recognize that she has her own transition to make, and will need time to figure out the challenges she is facing. Just because we are adults doesn’t mean we have it all figured it out. This is a time for you to support each other and talk about your concerns, rather than retreat into your own space and shut each other out.
• Be aware that in time you will become increasingly adapted to, and engaged in the larger French society beyond your family and the local expats, but for now it is a matter of baby steps and being easy on yourself when you find it challenging and frustrating.
  

The processes of assimilation and acculturation are always challenging, particularly if you don’t feel it was a choice that was totally under your control. The good news is that you have the opportunity to develop into a bilingual/bicultural young person who is better equipped to function in a multicultural world, and that process will increase your resilience as well as your skill-set. So hang in there, give your mum a hug and talk together about the opportunities your life here could offer. Know also that there is support such as Counselling if either of you needs it.

Dr Jules
If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. Please contact me for more information.

Following on from my last post on the book Secret Secret and helping children to disclose, this week the book’s author Daisy Law offers a detailed look at what to do when a child is ready to disclose abuse.

Daisy Law:
Revealing abuse is a huge step for a child. Their future emotional health is tied to how they are allowed to express the complex range of feelings which the abuse and the abuser have caused them to feel. So the way you react to a child's disclosure of abuse can have a profound effect on how they feel about themselves and their experiences. Children pick up on reactions and may close down if they think you're reacting negatively.
When a child discloses abuse, take the S.A.F.E. REPORT approach:

S          Support and reassure
A         Actively listen and be calm
F          Fact gathering - go slowly
E          Explain the next steps

REPORT and note down the disclosure immediately.
Survivors of abuse can go on to lead happy, healthy, productive lives just like anybody else. The key is accessing the right kind of help. Following disclosure, many people can feel further abused by individuals or systems treating them inappropriately or insensitively, so letting a disclosing child know that it is safe to report it to you is the first step. A 'SAFE REPORT' should lead to the right kinds of changes taking place for the child: intervention and healing.

S          Support and reassure
Your face and your body language are important as the disclosing child will take cues from you. A smile and a soft tone of voice may make all the difference to a child taking the massive step of disclosing abuse to you. Remember that they will probably see disclosure as a huge risk. Not only have they been living with the abuser's wrongs, but also - as a result - had their expectations of adults skewed so they won't know what level of support and safety they can expect from you. They may also have very real fears related to threats from the abuser about what will happen if they tell anyone about the abuse.
There are supportive and reassuring things which you can tell a child who has just disclosed abuse:

• you believe them
• they are not in trouble
• they are safe with you
• the abuse is not their fault and they have not deserved it
• you are glad that they have been brave enough to tell you
• they have done the right thing in telling you
• you are sorry that they have been hurt or that this has happened to them
• you will do everything you can to prevent them being hurt again

Children need to know that they are loved and that nothing can change that, so that it is safe for them to speak up about any way they have been hurt or abused, but also so they can express their emotions over time. It's OK to tell a child that you're proud of them for telling, and essential for the child to know that the situation was entirely the offender's fault. It's OK to tell a child that they are not alone: that some adults do wrong things and that this has happened to other children too, but that people are not allowed to treat children that way, so they owe absolutely no loyalty to someone who has hurt them.

A         Actively listen and be calm
You may feel shocked and horrified to hear the abuse being disclosed, but it is vital to remember to be calm. The child disclosing abuse may feel ashamed, angry, scared and powerless. They may be especially frightened that you won't believe them, or that you may 'side' with the abuser for some reason. Particularly if the abuser is someone you know personally, you may feel outrage, anger, frustration, sadness, disbelief, disgust, shock, guilt or self-blame. But you must remain calm and in control of your emotions in order to help the child. Strained facial expressions, physical recoiling or a voice filled with any of the above emotions could be misinterpreted by the child. They need acceptance, so provide it - your emotional needs can be met later.
There are reasons that the child needs you to be calm:

• an abused or neglected child needs to know you're available to help them
• the child needs you to listen
• the child needs you to hear what they say and do something about it for them
• the child needs you to be calm so that they aren't made even more anxious
• actively listening may mean remembering specific phrases and terms the child used
• actively listening may mean remembering euphemisms as well as direct descriptions
• an abused or neglected child needs your calm response to signal a possible solution
  

The child may have already endured wildly fluctuating behaviours, aggression and menacing situations at the hands of the abuser, as well as cold and unemotional manipulation. So if you express your reactions, the child may associate your response to fearful experiences and be further traumatised. Listen carefully and show your warmth and humanity while they have the freedom to speak - simply nodding as you listen, or saying "It's OK," or "I'm here to help now," may make all the difference.

You can tell the child that this is a situation which was unfair and wrong, but that there are kind people out there who can help them work through it and be happy.

F          Fact gathering - go slowly
It is normal to feel inadequate or unsure about what to do or say when a child or youth tells you about their abuse. It's natural to ask questions, especially as many children will use different words for body parts and actions. But remember that you're not an investigator. Professionals can ask for more details at a later stage, so it's vital that you don't push for more information than the child is willing to reveal now.

• proceed slowly
• gentle and open-ended questions such as: "Can you tell me more about what happened?" may be helpful.
• avoid questions that begin with "why"
• be brief - get only the essential facts for now
• limit your discussion to finding out generally what took place
• when you have sufficient information and reason to believe that abuse and/or neglect has occurred, gently stop gathering facts and be supportive

Questions starting with 'why' can cause a child to internalise blame. They cannot be expected to explain why the abuse has taken place and they may have experienced a unique set of rules, circumstances and expectations which can't be understood outside that context. Remember that children are universally expected to obey adults, so kids are not powerful enough to prevent the abusing adult from hurting them. The child cannot change what has happened, so anything which might be judgmental (such as 'you should have' statements) could harm their self esteem.
The child's immediate safety is an important fact to ascertain.

E          Explain next steps
Don't make promises to the child about what may or may not happen next. The child - quite understandably - may have thoughts about revenge and/or justice being meted out to their abuser. Gently explain that what has been done to the child is wrong, and that there are people that you must tell so that they can help. But do not promise what form the intervention will take. Explain to the child that you will write down what they've said and contact experts to help:

• provide only reassurance that is realistic and achievable
• discuss with the child what you think will happen next and who will be involved
• explain to the child that it might take time for them to feel happier, but that you will help with their healing.

As soon as you are able to (without distressing the child or stopping them from speaking) try to introduce another activity for calming and distracting them. If this means asking another person you can trust to help occupy the child, then make sure you introduce that gently. This will then enable you to document the disclosure and take appropriate action.

REPORT          Report and note down the disclosure immediately
As soon as possible, make a written record of what the child has said. Note down their exact own words as well as you can, along with any other key details such as anything they acted out or showed you, or how their demeanour was. There may be other supporting information which you may wish to add later, but it is vital to note down what has been said while it's fresh in your mind. Keep this initial record, even if you type it up later. Along with any other drawings, writing or related material from the child themself, this may be important to investigators.
Report the abuse as quickly as is possible to the police, social services, the child's doctor. There may be physical evidence which needs to be documented. Depending on the circumstances, there may also be immediate steps which authorities have to take to ensure the child's safety while investigations are made.

Healing and moving forward
There is nothing easy about dealing with a child's disclosures of abuse. There are many complex factors involved and every individual situation will have its own challenges.
Displacement can be one of the most challenging kinds of fallout from abuse. A child who has been (or is being) abused can struggle with displaced anger and frustration. They feel anger towards the person who has hurt them, but this is often displaced and directed at loved ones - especially people they can trust and feel safe with. They may shout, swear and try to hit you, often with no warning. The child needs to express these feelings and 'get them out' so directing it all at you may be the only way they can do that and feel safe. Don't ever hit back or shout - this just reinforces a negative self view for the child. Caring, understanding and kindness are the only way. It's not their fault and it will pass.

Counselling can massively increase the speed and success of healing, but every child will have different needs.
Healthy activities to normalise the daily routine can be helpful. Time outside running, cycling or on other sporting activities will promote confidence and autonomy as well as focus energy away from rethinking the abuse. Sometimes getting a pet can help as a child gives the animal care.

Psychological healing or 'mending the victim of abuse from the inside' can take many forms. Play therapy, biofeedback and self-soothing techniques have all had documented success in healing abused children and adults. Try whatever is available and find what works best.

Children can be overcome by feelings of loneliness or unloved after abuse, so offering unconditional, non-judgmental affection is essential. Physical acceptance and plenty of gentle hugs (as and if wanted by the child) can help to avoid a child feeling 'dirty' or unworthy of affection. Let the child decide when and if to talk about their feelings, but reinforce their feelings whenever they do so. Kids need to have a clear message that they don't have to protect you from their feelings - however 'messy' their expressions of inner turmoil may be. You can get your support elsewhere and its vital that the child doesn't feel responsible for your upset on top of the abuse they've endured. Above all, be consistent and dependable.
Justice is often uppermost in the minds of an abused child. Whatever the negative connotations of legal action and fears of stigma may be for an adult, avoiding punishment for the perpetrator can leave the child feeling that what was done to them - or they themselves - didn't matter. Children can be deeply worried about how many other people the abuser may hurt, so it is important not to dismiss an abused child's wishes for correct punitive measures to be taken, but to get the right professional to help them talk through all the options and consequences for everyone involved.

Take the lead from a child brave enough to shout and yell. When we speak out, we can change things.

Dr Jules
If you have been affected by any of the issues explored in these posts, counselling could be a solution to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. To find out more, please contact me via phone or using the contact form on this site.