In my last blog post, I focused on the need for couples to create and maintain emotional connection with each other. Part of the way we do this is by making regular Bids for Connection where we attempt to get the other person’s attention and some positive interaction. We don’t often indicate this desire by saying “Hey, let’s connect”, instead we tend to use more subtle methods such as sighing, touching, messaging a link to an article the other person will find interesting, or wanting to talk about our day.
What all these attempts are saying is “I really want your attention, I want to feel a connection with you, and I hope you will respond positively by showing some interest in me”. Sadly, if we fail to respond to our partner, or we don’t respond in a positive way, then we send the message that we don’t care. This concept is the same with our children too by the way, only they often up the stakes by behaving badly so that we cannot fail to give them our attention! Couples researcher John Gottman, who developed this concept, observed in one study that couples who were still married after six years made successful bids for connection 86% of the time, while couples who had divorced in this period only tended to do this 33% of the time. Gottman tells us there are three ways we can respond to bids for attention:
In his research, Gottman observed that happy couples turn towards their partners approximately twenty times more than couples in distress during every day discussions. So, if your partner is wanting to connect with you by seeking your attention, then give it to them. If they want to share a moment with you because you are on their mind, then be soft and meet them in that place, don’t shoot them down, ignore them or leave them feeling bad. Every time you turn towards your partner’s bids for emotional connection, you are making a deposit in what Gottman calls your Emotional Bank Account, and your relationship is ideally a constant long-term investment in that account. A strong relationship is made up of a million little instances where you showed care and attention for each other. None of these will cost you much in terms of time or energy, but they will collectively build over time to create an emotional connection that will reward you for years to come. Dr Jules If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you.
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Couples come to see me with many complaints, such as communication problems, arguments over money, the in-laws, the housework, the kids … but in essence they are often asking for help with the same thing, which is to repair their emotional connection.
When we don’t feel connected to our partner, it can be a lonely place. Partners can sometimes get stuck in a rut of repetitive negative thoughts about each other. They become caught inside their arguments about who is right, who is justified in feeling the way they do. Proving one’s rightness can devolve into a life or death struggle, but it only serves to become an obstacle to real connection. As the old saying goes, you can be right, or you can be married. Once the connection begins to dissolve, however, it can be a negative downward spiral to separation. We grow up being taught that when we finally meet the perfect person, we will live happily ever after. This idea does us a great disservice because there is no perfect person, and all relationships, romantic or otherwise, require some work. So, if we start wounding each other we should spend less time questioning if the other person is really ‘the one’, and more time rolling up our sleeves to do the work; that is if we decide that we are willing to do the work with this person, or if we want to move on and try to learn the lesson with someone else. It might help to remember though, that love is not about novelty, it is about creating real emotional security together. As an illustration of this, I wanted to share a moment in a couple therapy session that I witnessed which was simple, but extremely moving to watch, and a reminder of how creating connection can heal even the most troubled relationship. I had asked each partner to verbalize what the other person could do each day to help them feel more connected with each other. The wife talked about wanting him to do more around the house and improve his communication. When she had finished I invited him to share his ideas. He took her hand and said, “It would mean everything to me if once a day, every day, you could just take a minute to make real eye contact with me”. At that moment, for the first time in their therapy, I could feel the connection between the couple. They were sharing the same space, perhaps for the first time in quite a while. Her expression had changed, and she turned and met his gaze. Tears welled up for each of them (and perhaps a little for me too). Emotional connection is about communicating from a place of vulnerability and trusting that your partner will respect you and reciprocate. Taking the risk to connect from the heart and not the head is when we start taking the real journey together in a relationship. Next time I will be exploring how we make bids for emotional connection with each other, and how to respond to your partner to strengthen the relationship. Dr Jules If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. This article was also published on English Informer in France: https://www.theenglishinformer.com/article_detail/Yearning-for-Connection Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a condition that is increasingly talked about, and many people now joke about being a “bit OCD” to explain a quirk such as a preference for things to be clean, ordered or tidy.
In reality, OCD is an anxiety related condition that can be extremely debilitating as it increasingly interferes with a person’s ability to function in normal life. OCD is characterized by anxiety provoking persistent thoughts, worries or impulses, that are experienced as intrusive and not under the person’s control; while the compulsive element describes repetitive behaviours that the person feels compelled to carry out in an attempt to reduce the anxiety. While the person usually knows the thoughts are irrational, they nevertheless feel the compulsive behaviour is the only way to relieve the anxiety, or to stop any harm coming to someone they care about. In the U.S. and U.K., it is estimated that about 12 in every 1,000 people are living with OCD, but this may be an underestimate as many people either don’t recognize the problem in themselves, or are too embarrassed to seek help. Typically a person’s OCD will fall into one of four main categories:
Clients I have seen with OCD have displayed worries around using public bathrooms or certain supermarkets, leaving the house without checking everything numerous times, travelling on public transport or being in busy public spaces, to name just a few examples. Brain scans of OCD patients have revealed there is a worry-circuit as several parts of the brain - notably the caudate nucleus, orbital cortex, and thalamus - tend to be running in overdrive. Interestingly, there is a cultural element to OCD as in the West, people tend to worry about cleanliness and hygiene, or safety and checking things are switched off/locked, while in the Middle East it has been reported that OCD tends to be more commonly associated with the correctness of how religious rituals are observed. So, typically people develop OCD around more widespread cultural narratives, but the commonality is the power of the obsessions to shape and define behaviour. While OCD is a chronic condition, it is also very treatable. Treatment is typically psychotherapy with a focus on cognitive-behavioural techniques to break the cycle of worry, and indeed research suggests that psychological therapy has a very biological effect on changing the way the brain works, enabling the client to take control of their thoughts and therefore change their behaviours. If you have a concern that you or someone close to you has OCD, then I highly recommend you contact a counsellor or psychotherapist to help break the cycle before it becomes further entrenched. Dr Jules If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. Imagine this movie ending: the credits fade as you sail off into the romantic sunset with your French lover and the Eiffel Tower in the background. It sounds incredibly romantic, but as I see in my work as a therapist, there is the sequel to the movie where the woman cuts ties with her own family and culture, while also adjusting to the new language, marriage, in-laws, culture etc. It is an enormous task, and one that requires a great deal of emotional and psychological adjustment.
Of course, there are pluses and minuses of moving overseas for love …. On the plus side, you don’t want to live with regret about the one that got away, so you pack up your life and decide to embark on an adventure for love, and that’s not a bad thing to do, even if it feels a little irrational. You get to experience a new country, you no longer have to do the long-distance thing, and you learn more about yourself. And of course, you have a chance to build a life with the person you love. On the darker side, expat spouses can suffer from anxiety, depression and feelings of crisis as they face a lack of identity and independence, and zero friends other than their spouse, who they come to rely on too heavily. She finds she is locked out of work as she doesn’t have the right paperwork yet or her ability to speak French isn’t good enough, and whatever she contributes to the marriage and shared life is often not as high profile as his work. Research suggests that trailing spouses, or those who move for love and the priority of the other person’s career, are the least happy of all expats, often because they have given up careers for the move and lack financial independence, and maybe it is tough for them to find work at a level they are used to. Some of the women I have worked with can also feel trapped once they have children, especially if the marriage isn’t going so well and the options for leaving become limited. Even if the move goes well, there will undoubtedly be days when you ask yourself why you did this, and it can put a strain on the relationship. So, if you are considering moving for love, or are trying to find ways to cope with a move you already made, here are some tips from expats that might help:
At the end of the day, if you are really struggling and realize you can never be a Francophile, then don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about your worries and maybe seek the help of a therapist to help you cope and make some decisions. There are plenty of expats in the same position as you, and you can network with them through social sites such as Facebook which hosts groups like ‘Married to a French Man’. It certainly might help to hear that other people are struggling with the same issues as you. Bonne chance! Dr Jules If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. Lately it feels like every time we turn on the news we are faced with world events that are terrible but out of our control. How can we solve the Brexit situation? How do we stop gunmen killing children in schools in America? How do we end suffering in Syria? We feel we cannot ignore the chaos and hurt of the world, and yet it hurts us to witness it every day. Without considerable resources, we often feel powerless and frustrated to improve the world, and that can be incredibly stressful.
Despair is a common experience we all share. We feel it during difficult times in our lives. We sometimes despair about our work, our relationships, our financial situation, our love life (or lack of it), and of course we despair over world events each time we tune into the media. Typically, this feeling dissipates and quietens down until the next time, but sometimes it actually gets deeper, takes control of us, and forms a clinical condition where we constantly feel hopeless, pessimistic and powerless. Ultimately, we feel out of control. We cannot control the government, the weather, other people’s opinions, our spouse, but we can take small steps so these feelings of despair don’t overwhelm us. This is generally true in counselling, where my clients are not always able to change the circumstances of their lives, but when they realise they can change the way they feel and think, it is significantly more empowering than continuing to think that if they could just control circumstances they’d feel better. We can’t un-do the past, but we can control how we deal with it in the now; we can’t control how others behave, but we can control how we react. So how do we begin to take control when we feel despair at the world?
Ultimately, we need to find ways to feel more in control and hopeful about the world, and our small place in it. A sentence that sticks in my mind from something I once read is that “people can live weeks without food, days without water, minutes without oxygen, but not a moment without hope”. And if you sometimes think the world is going crazy, you might be reassured to know that according to cognitive psychologist Steven Pinker, the human race is now healthier, more prosperous, and safer than ever before. The problem, he argues, is not the state of the world, it is our bias towards a negative representation of it. So, take heart, and take control of your thoughts, and the world will seem like a better place where courage and compassion can triumph over despair. Dr Jules If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. With divorce being so common these days, many divorces will inevitably involve children. Parents are often preoccupied with their own problems during the divorce process, but need to remember that whatever their differences, the needs of the children are paramount.
Divorce is going to be stressful for the children, and unless the lead up has been characterized by high levels of anger and conflict, the children will most likely prefer that the family stays intact. There can be self-blame as children can misinterpret divorce as something they are partly responsible for, and in general can feel confused and anxious about the threat to their secure foundations. The transition through divorce can involve strained relationships, reduced contact with one parent, moving home, financial hardship and high levels of conflict. Any of these reasons can lead to increased stress in a child. The length and difficulty of the transition period is entirely up to the parents. The better they can manage the stress and conflict levels, the better the adjustment for the kids. Most children are resilient enough to make the adjustment without developing emotional or behavioural problems, but there are things the parents can do ease the adjustment to the divorce and new family structure:
Dr Jules If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. Many of us make New Year’s resolutions, promising to change our behavior, but before January is done we have forgotten or given up on our pledge. In fact, research suggests that less than 10% of us will actually follow through on our resolutions.
Resolutions are about making choices. They offer us an opportunity to change our habits, and an attempt to master our behavior and beliefs. As a therapist I have seen countless people create positive change in counselling, certainly many more than 10% of my clients achieve their desired outcome, so I know it is possible for people to make choices and changes that stand the test of time. Clients in therapy generally spend some time figuring out what their goal is, such as moving on from an unhealthy relationship or overcoming anxiety. Working together over a number of sessions, we break that goal down into small steps, and over time the client gains new insight and learns skills that enable him or her to move forward. And of course, they are working with a supportive therapist who keeps them to task. So how can we relate this to making New Year’s resolutions?
If you want to change something in your life, New Year can be a great time to take that positive step, but you don’t need to wait to fix something in your life that isn’t working. If you know you need to take action, then start developing the habits of a proactive person today! If you think you will need support to make life changes, then you might also want to make this the year that you seek counselling. I offer a free 20 minute consultation so we can discuss whether I might be able to help you. Many of my clients had a difficult childhood, with problems ranging across abuse, neglect, bullying, a parent with alcoholism or mental health issues, absent parents, childhood trauma, illness, violence in the home, poverty or any other kind of serious problem you can think of that could befall a child. Often these stresses were chronic, meaning they repeated over time, rather than being one-off events.
We tend to think that children are resilient and can bounce back from misfortunes, but the people I see in therapy know that it took much more out of them, and they certainly didn’t just rebound once circumstances improved. In therapy they often see these early adversities as the foundation for later difficulties they have experienced in life, and fear they will be ‘stuck’ forever. This need not, however, be the case. The future has yet to be written and we can always write a better story about ourselves. What I mean by this is we can refuse to accept the way we were defined when we were younger. Many of us grew up believing things that other people said about us, such as ‘I am stupid’, ‘I am a burden to my family’, or ‘I will never amount to anything in life’. As an adult, however, you can develop some inner defiance and decide to refuse to believe this nonsense; you are not the sum total of these narratives, and you can begin to re-write them now you are old enough to know better. Overcoming the adversities of your childhood is an ongoing process, but like most things, you become better at it the more you practice, and the less you allow yourself to become overwhelmed by the ‘fight or flight’ feelings and anxiety of stepping outside your comfort zone of damage. The more resilient and toughened you become, the more you can seek out new challenges for success, and so it becomes a cycle of recovery. In fact, you can become more successful than others around you BECAUSE of your early adversity and the work you put into becoming greater than the sum of those early parts. So, what can we all learn about becoming more resilient in the face of life’s difficulties?
Dr Jules If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. Contact me to set up your first free appointment. These days there is such a pressure to be happy and think positive. We constantly feel we should stop being unhappy about our unhappiness, stop being anxious, stop being sad, stop feeling confused or worried. And yet these are all facets of the complexity of being human; it is precisely because we feel this full range of emotions that we are who we are. Can we possibly be happy all the time, is that realistic, or interesting?
How about if we didn’t avoid these challenging feelings, if we didn’t try to stuff them down or hide them under temporary attempts at happiness, such as buying those new shoes or having a few drinks? If you are sad or anxious or worried for a while, will you die of it? No! Sometimes it is okay to turn and focus on the not great feelings and work them through. Understand that your observation of the world and your place in it is not the world, it is just your interpretation, and the feelings you are going through are being triggered by your interpretations, by your thoughts. And here is some good news: you can change your thoughts. Sometimes you can feel sad or anxious, but when you accept that it is your choice to engage in these feelings for a while, then you begin to shift yourself into a different position. You are no longer a ship that is being tossed around on a stormy sea, or a victim of circumstances, you are a person with choices. And that is the first step to empowerment and taking control of your life. Begin to think in a way that serves you and doesn’t keep you stuck. If you can’t do it by yourself, then seek help from friends, family, or a therapist until you get the momentum going. Dr Jules If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. This article was also posted at English Informer in France. These are worrying times and health professionals around the world are seeing a rise in rates of depression and anxiety (Daily Telegraph). In addition to people’s general everyday problems, we are being bombarded with stories about Brexit, political instability in the world, threats of nuclear war, and catastrophic weather events, to name but a few. We are increasingly isolated and feeling our sense of social support comes from online sources such as Facebook, the world where everyone else is having a great time.
When we start to feel overwhelmed with stress, there are ways we can begin to regulate our emotions, usually by choosing to tone down negative emotions such as worry. The key word here is ‘choose’. We can choose how we direct our focus and our energy, and that in turn will change how we feel. Most of us already have tactics to help us feel better. We might go to the gym, meditate, put on music or mindless TV, or we might listen to podcasts and audio books while we go about our day. Here are some tips that you can add to your toolkit to help you reduce your worry load:
Dr Jules If the subject matter in this article resonates with you, then counselling might be a good option to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. |
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