Following on from my last post on the book Secret Secret and helping children to disclose, this week the book’s author Daisy Law offers a detailed look at what to do when a child is ready to disclose abuse.
Daisy Law: Revealing abuse is a huge step for a child. Their future emotional health is tied to how they are allowed to express the complex range of feelings which the abuse and the abuser have caused them to feel. So the way you react to a child's disclosure of abuse can have a profound effect on how they feel about themselves and their experiences. Children pick up on reactions and may close down if they think you're reacting negatively. When a child discloses abuse, take the S.A.F.E. REPORT approach: S Support and reassure A Actively listen and be calm F Fact gathering - go slowly E Explain the next steps REPORT and note down the disclosure immediately. Survivors of abuse can go on to lead happy, healthy, productive lives just like anybody else. The key is accessing the right kind of help. Following disclosure, many people can feel further abused by individuals or systems treating them inappropriately or insensitively, so letting a disclosing child know that it is safe to report it to you is the first step. A 'SAFE REPORT' should lead to the right kinds of changes taking place for the child: intervention and healing. S Support and reassure Your face and your body language are important as the disclosing child will take cues from you. A smile and a soft tone of voice may make all the difference to a child taking the massive step of disclosing abuse to you. Remember that they will probably see disclosure as a huge risk. Not only have they been living with the abuser's wrongs, but also - as a result - had their expectations of adults skewed so they won't know what level of support and safety they can expect from you. They may also have very real fears related to threats from the abuser about what will happen if they tell anyone about the abuse. There are supportive and reassuring things which you can tell a child who has just disclosed abuse:
A Actively listen and be calm You may feel shocked and horrified to hear the abuse being disclosed, but it is vital to remember to be calm. The child disclosing abuse may feel ashamed, angry, scared and powerless. They may be especially frightened that you won't believe them, or that you may 'side' with the abuser for some reason. Particularly if the abuser is someone you know personally, you may feel outrage, anger, frustration, sadness, disbelief, disgust, shock, guilt or self-blame. But you must remain calm and in control of your emotions in order to help the child. Strained facial expressions, physical recoiling or a voice filled with any of the above emotions could be misinterpreted by the child. They need acceptance, so provide it - your emotional needs can be met later. There are reasons that the child needs you to be calm:
You can tell the child that this is a situation which was unfair and wrong, but that there are kind people out there who can help them work through it and be happy. F Fact gathering - go slowly It is normal to feel inadequate or unsure about what to do or say when a child or youth tells you about their abuse. It's natural to ask questions, especially as many children will use different words for body parts and actions. But remember that you're not an investigator. Professionals can ask for more details at a later stage, so it's vital that you don't push for more information than the child is willing to reveal now.
The child's immediate safety is an important fact to ascertain. E Explain next steps Don't make promises to the child about what may or may not happen next. The child - quite understandably - may have thoughts about revenge and/or justice being meted out to their abuser. Gently explain that what has been done to the child is wrong, and that there are people that you must tell so that they can help. But do not promise what form the intervention will take. Explain to the child that you will write down what they've said and contact experts to help:
REPORT Report and note down the disclosure immediately As soon as possible, make a written record of what the child has said. Note down their exact own words as well as you can, along with any other key details such as anything they acted out or showed you, or how their demeanour was. There may be other supporting information which you may wish to add later, but it is vital to note down what has been said while it's fresh in your mind. Keep this initial record, even if you type it up later. Along with any other drawings, writing or related material from the child themself, this may be important to investigators. Report the abuse as quickly as is possible to the police, social services, the child's doctor. There may be physical evidence which needs to be documented. Depending on the circumstances, there may also be immediate steps which authorities have to take to ensure the child's safety while investigations are made. Healing and moving forward There is nothing easy about dealing with a child's disclosures of abuse. There are many complex factors involved and every individual situation will have its own challenges. Displacement can be one of the most challenging kinds of fallout from abuse. A child who has been (or is being) abused can struggle with displaced anger and frustration. They feel anger towards the person who has hurt them, but this is often displaced and directed at loved ones - especially people they can trust and feel safe with. They may shout, swear and try to hit you, often with no warning. The child needs to express these feelings and 'get them out' so directing it all at you may be the only way they can do that and feel safe. Don't ever hit back or shout - this just reinforces a negative self view for the child. Caring, understanding and kindness are the only way. It's not their fault and it will pass. Counselling can massively increase the speed and success of healing, but every child will have different needs. Healthy activities to normalise the daily routine can be helpful. Time outside running, cycling or on other sporting activities will promote confidence and autonomy as well as focus energy away from rethinking the abuse. Sometimes getting a pet can help as a child gives the animal care. Psychological healing or 'mending the victim of abuse from the inside' can take many forms. Play therapy, biofeedback and self-soothing techniques have all had documented success in healing abused children and adults. Try whatever is available and find what works best. Children can be overcome by feelings of loneliness or unloved after abuse, so offering unconditional, non-judgmental affection is essential. Physical acceptance and plenty of gentle hugs (as and if wanted by the child) can help to avoid a child feeling 'dirty' or unworthy of affection. Let the child decide when and if to talk about their feelings, but reinforce their feelings whenever they do so. Kids need to have a clear message that they don't have to protect you from their feelings - however 'messy' their expressions of inner turmoil may be. You can get your support elsewhere and its vital that the child doesn't feel responsible for your upset on top of the abuse they've endured. Above all, be consistent and dependable. Justice is often uppermost in the minds of an abused child. Whatever the negative connotations of legal action and fears of stigma may be for an adult, avoiding punishment for the perpetrator can leave the child feeling that what was done to them - or they themselves - didn't matter. Children can be deeply worried about how many other people the abuser may hurt, so it is important not to dismiss an abused child's wishes for correct punitive measures to be taken, but to get the right professional to help them talk through all the options and consequences for everyone involved. Take the lead from a child brave enough to shout and yell. When we speak out, we can change things. Dr Jules If you have been affected by any of the issues explored in these posts, counselling could be a solution to help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. To find out more, please contact me via phone or using the contact form on this site.
0 Comments
This week I am featuring a guest article, written for us by Daisy Law, who wrote the powerful and important book Secret Secret, an invaluable resource for anyone involved with children. As my posts generally focus on adult mental health, I thought it was about time I feature some information on ways we can take care of children’s mental health too, not least because many of the problems I see stem from childhood experiences. Daisy Law: “Children can have a lot of conflicting emotions about secrecy of any kind, and being forced to keep secrets which upset them can be part of wider safeguarding issues. Yet even the most caring family members or professionals can sometimes miss signs that a child’s wellbeing is compromised, so an engaging book which speaks directly to kids themselves would fill a very specific social need. Writing Secret, Secret was one way of addressing that need. As a former teacher, I watched growing numbers of abuse headlines from the theoretical standpoint of having completed safeguarding training and – sadly – from the practical standpoint of having taught children who were victimised by abusive adults. Within my professional life I had also had both verbal and written disclosures made to me by pupils. It seemed essential to me to give young children the message that it was OK to tell secrets, and to help them think about the different kinds of secrets which might form part of their experience. Not in a kind of grey, dour way which might rob kids of their innocence or terrify them, but in a way that prompted discussion and involvement by the children themselves. For teachers tasked with delivering safeguarding concepts to pre-schoolers or the youngest classes this filled a toolkit niche, and for some children it could be the difference between enduring or disclosing abuse. The text for Secret, Secret is carefully crafted to use emotive language which children could relate to how they feel about different types of secrets. So the most challenging phrase focuses on a “makes your insides scared and stone-cold” kind of secret without defining what that might be for any given child. The illustration depicts a child huddled in self-protective mode with a toy for comfort, but individual kids would interpret both words and images according to their own world view. I also sought to create an almost real world; similar to but not quite this one, so that children could enjoy a safe level of remove. The toys – or Dust Bunnies – Lilac and Little Blue were vital for this. Kids know how to talk to a toy, and there’s often a freedom in telling your darkest secrets to an imaginary friend. The threat of the faceless pirate can be a game, or it can represent how menacing adults can be to a child living in fear. Along with a bit of light relief fart humour with a whoopee cushion, this means that children can interpret and rationalise both the text and illustrations to fit their own life. So bottoms, beds, closed doors, fear, guilt, shame, and threat all feature subtly and can communicate to the subconscious, but happiness, joy, adventure, wonder, achievement and pride are there too. Parents who may be less confident discussing the potentially tricky area of disclosure can also help their children think about whether to ‘keep or tell’ secrets. This makes Secret, Secret a lovely bedtime read – especially as kids like to join in with the rhymes. Having a rhyming mantra which even really young pre-readers could remember was a key part of my planning for the book. Yes there are observable ‘markers’ for abuse which concerned adults may note: changes in personal hygiene; aversion to eye contact; introspection or aggression and ‘acting out’ of frustration; extremes of flinching from contact or having no discernible boundaries regarding nudity and touch, etc. But the only hard and fast rule for child safeguarding is that abusers will go to great lengths to groom for, minimise, deny and hide their abuses. Kids could be targeted at any time in even the most seemingly innocuous circumstances, so messages about their rights to privacy, boundaries and a voice need to be repeated and learned if possible. The very youngest children are the most vulnerable – without school regimes and wider societal ‘norms’ to compare their life to. So I wrote a sing-song rhyme which could fit in with a library story fun-time session or book exploration within a day nursery just as easily as it slots into the primary curriculum. At the back of the book, I’ve written some notes on the kinds of mental health or emotional issues which the general area of secrecy can give rise to for kids. There is also some advice on what to do if a child discloses more specific issues of abuse, neglect or criminality. Secret, Secret is already being used effectively by specialist child protection Police officers, social workers, charity workers and psychologists. Teachers are incorporating some of the cross-curriculum links within general lessons and also using the book for circle time discussions and subtle safeguarding, as well as leading group reading and literacy work from the rhyming text. Whether you read the book with a child as part of therapy, prevention work or as a parent keen to open up even the trickiest subjects, Secret, Secret invites children to speak up and give their opinions. The book ends with non-leading questions, so it’s important to maintain that sense of openness for whatever discussions ensue. Children take many cues from how adults react, so whether a child makes a disclosure of inappropriate behaviour or simply wants to talk about which things it’s OK to keep private, we have to bear each developing individual in mind. Support and encouragement – verbally and from stance or facial expressions – can let a child know that they’re safe to talk with you about any subject and that can be the most important step in freeing someone from the burden of a difficult secret which they carry”. Dr Jules In my next post I will feature some advice from Daisy Law on what to do when a child discloses abuse. If you are affected by the issues raised in these articles, counselling can help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. This article was originally published at: www.englishinformerinfrance.com/full-article/Secret-Secret-Helping-Children-to-Disclose As the weather starts to warm up and the days become longer, I feel my darker mood of winter lifting. This is, however, one of the busiest times of year for me in terms of seeing clients. It is also the time of year when the suicide rate is at its highest. Some researchers hypothesize this is because people are engaging with each other more as the weather improves, while others argue that during the winter we expect to feel more alone and depressed, but when those feelings of hopelessness fail to pass with the changing of the seasons, people can start to feel desperate. Sadly, the World Health Organization estimates that over 800,000 people in the world take their own life each year. When you also consider the devastating effects of suicide on the network of friends and loved ones, it means millions of people suffer, often needlessly. The suicide rate tends to be highest among young people under 24 and older men, the latter statistic tending to be because men usually use more violent methods to attempt suicide. If you are worried that someone you know may be suicidal, or you are finding it tough to carry on yourself, here are some signs to look for that might indicate you need to take action:
If you or someone you know is potentially considering suicide, there are ways to intervene to minimize the risk, and these include:
Often when people think about suicide they call it taking their own life, but it is important to remember that those who are left behind also lose an enormous part of their lives as they struggle through the grief. As winter turns to spring, make sure you take care of your own mental health and look out for those around you who may be struggling. In closing I thought I would share these lines written by Christopher Bergland (The Athlete’s Way, 2007): “I’ve been there myself. If you are depressed or suicidal do whatever you have to do to stay vital and get yourself back on track. You were born to be alive. Don’t isolate. Reach out. Ask for help. There will be sunbeams in your soul again. Ride out the storm—but don’t do it alone. People will take care of you. Let them. And make a vow, when you’re back on top, to give something back.” Dr Jules If you find feeling overwhelmed or out of control, counselling can help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. This article was also published on English Informer In France In my clinical work, I notice that people often think in absolute terms, giving themselves little flexibility or room for error. Over the years I have referred to some of these thinking patterns as Shoulditis, Oughtism and Musterbation. These are not original terms that I made up, but they are helpful in assisting clients to identify areas where they could be easier on themselves. Here is a brief overview of each one, and some suggestions as to what you can do if you suffer with these common conditions.
Shoulditis Do you ever have that feeling that you should have your life all figured out, that you should have areas of your life more organized, that you should be a better parent, or maybe you have lists of things you should get done? Should is a self-imposed measuring stick against which you will inevitably fall short, and it creates a feeling of anxiety in your body whenever you think of it. Oughtism Oughtism stems from a strong sense of obligation and has been said to originate from a dysfunction in the oughtonomic nervous system (okay I made that last bit up). In all seriousness, many of us do things because we feel we ought to. We don’t really want to volunteer for that extra work, or go out on a cold evening for a social event a friend told us we ought to go to, but we do it and then feel bad, wishing we had been more assertive in the first place. Musterbation Albert Ellis, a famous psychologist, coined the phrase ‘Musterbation’ which he used to describe the phenomenon where people place unrealistic and absolute demands on themselves and those around them, such as “I must try harder” (TRY is another word to avoid where possible by the way). We can also use the word musterbation in daily language, such as “he was suffering from a serious case of musterbation about getting a perfect score in all his exams.” With these conditions, the things we say to ourselves set standards we cannot meet, and we are left feeling bad and frustrated. It is an easy spiral from here down into a depressed or anxious state. So, what can you do to change your thinking patterns? The first step is awareness of what you are saying to yourself. Monitor your thoughts, notice when they leave you feeling uncomfortable, and if necessary write them down to draw your attention to what you are doing. The next step is not to beat yourself up for what you are doing. It is a pattern you have slipped into and now you see it, you can change it. Finally, take your should, ought and must statements and rephrase them as wishes or desires. For example, I would like to be more successful, I want to spend more time playing with my kids. While you are doing that, listen to yourself and ask if you really do want to do all those things? If you don’t want to, challenge your assumption and figure out what you would rather be doing instead, then act on it. And remember, life is short, so don’t live it in a way that isn’t true to who you are and what you want! Dr Jules If you find that you continue to struggle with rigid thinking patterns that no longer work for you, a trained cognitive-behavioral therapist can be a great resource for teaching you to change. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. This Post was published by English Informer in France: http://www.englishinformerinfrance.com/full-article/Common-Cognitive-Conditions As we move into a new year, I wanted to talk about HOPE. Some people say that having a blind faith or hoping for things that are not realistic is just tormenting ourselves. When we lose someone precious to us, when we fail continually at something we strive towards, when we hear about world atrocities, when we are struggling with a threatening or debilitating illness, when we lose our faith, these are times when we question the value of hope, when we feel like we are going through the motions and sometimes turning to anything that blunts the pain.
What is there to hope for after all? What I want to impress upon you today is that hope is vital, and that we should never stop being hopeful. Research suggests that people who maintain a hopeful outlook tend to be healthier and feel happier in general. Interestingly, hopeful people attain better grades in school, and being hopeful increases our ability to endure pain and difficulty. In short, hope is a key component for good mental health. Hope is also a much easier emotion to sustain and reach for than happiness, but the two do go hand in hand. So what can you be hopeful for as you look ahead to the coming year? Think about and complete one or both sentences:
Take a moment to consider how it feels when you have completed your sentences. Then start setting realistic goals. This is different from resolutions or aiming for something that might well be unattainable, such as winning an Oscar or having a best-selling album. Think about things you know you can hope for that have a good chance of happening, and start there. The boost to your mental health can also come from giving hope to others, in fact we find hope when we give hope, so think about what you can do for those around you to help them feel more hopeful. Hope becomes more powerful when it is collaborative. And finally, learn to savor the anticipation of hopes coming true rather than dread losing hope. The fact that you had hope does not mean you are more disappointed when things don’t work out as you wanted them to, it means you allowed yourself to experience something that felt great and you can do that again as you keep going. Hope can move mountains, so never stop reaching for it. Dr Jules If you find yourself facing the coming year with concerns or anxiety, counselling can help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. 2016 has been a rocky year for many people. There have been the emotional rollercoasters of political shakeups and public tragedies that have taken their toll on many of us, in addition to our own personal challenges. The holiday season in December can be just another pressure as we try to plan the perfect family day with all the trimmings, and for some Christmas can just be a big black cloud of sadness. Endless shopping, limited finances, spending time with family you don’t see that often, over-excited children, or just a powerful sense of loneliness, all of this can pile up and add up until you dread the coming festivities.
To set yourself up right for the holiday season this year, here are 12 tips to help. You don’t have to try all of them, just choose one or two that resonate for you: 1. Set your expectations to good and not perfect. Don’t knock yourself out, plan to make it an enjoyable rather than a hectic time, even if it means cooking one less course or attending one less social get together. 2. Ask for help. Don’t feel you should take on everything yourself, whether it be gift buying, wrapping, putting up a tree or cooking, decide what you can cope with comfortably and what is going to push you over your limits, and ask people to chip in. 3. Choose your own way. Decide how you really want to spend the holidays and plan it, whether it be a quiet day at home for two, lunch at a Chinese restaurant or cooking for others at a homeless shelter, decide what would make the day happy for you and go for it. And don’t be afraid to say “No” if you are being pushed into doing things you would prefer not to. 4. Even if the weather is not good, commit to getting outside and doing some physical activity such as walking or raking up leaves. Exercise and fresh air is always an antidote to stress and a great way to lift your mood. 5. Try to balance the excess of alcohol and junk food with some healthy plant-based options so that your energy levels stay high and your mood isn’t dependent on sugar and caffeine highs. 6. Take quiet mind breaks. Whether it be first thing when you wake up, or when you are waiting in line in a busy shop, take a moment to close your eyes and breathe, let your mind wander to a happy place for a few minutes until you start to feel calm, and then come back to your usual surroundings feeling that little bit more able to cope. 7. Don’t isolate yourself completely. In previous posts, I have written about the importance of having people around us. So, whether or not you want to celebrate, find a way to spend some time with others, even if it means phoning around to get yourself invited somewhere, or volunteering for a local charity on the day. 8. Don’t use alcohol or similar substances to numb yourself to get through the holidays. Instead take some time to reflect on what has been difficult this year and how you want to move forward. 9. While you are so focused on gift buying for others, don’t forget to put your own name on the list. What are you going to do or buy to treat yourself this Christmas? 10. If you want to get into the holiday spirit but are struggling this year, reenact some ritual from happier times, even if it means going back to your childhood for inspiration. Don’t worry about who is judging you, just allow yourself some moments of enjoyment and silliness 11. Know that the holidays are just a piece of time, and if you find them stressful they will be over soon enough. Use your energy to plan something to look forward to in January so that the festive period doesn’t leave you feeling flat. 12. If you are finding the dark short days tough, remember that the shortest day is just before Christmas, and after that each day will be increasingly longer while the dark nights are increasingly shorter. Know that there is a natural rhythm to life and the darkest days often precede the brightest of new beginnings. Whatever you are planning for this festive holiday period, I wish you a wonderful time and much happiness. Dr Jules If you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed by the festive period and the coming new year, counselling can help you to find strategies to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. Please contact me via the contact sheet on this website. In the last few weeks in France I have been coming across more cases of people who are isolated, either as individuals, or as couples who rely totally upon each other and rarely get out into the world. When you don’t speak the local language fluently it is all too easy to stay in your own little bubble. In general, our society is increasingly an isolating experience with more young people leaving home to live a single life, marrying later or becoming elderly and living apart from family. Many of us rely on social media and the internet to fill the void of real interaction, which can leave us vulnerable for a number of reasons.
The important thing to understand is that humans are pack animals. Our brains are hardwired for social interaction and living in a close community. Early humans did not live alone, they stayed in groups and worked together to hunt, make shelter, raise children and provide protection and support for each other. Even though we have evolved in many ways since then, research confirms that being isolated and feeling alone is not good for our health. Lack of emotional support and regular interaction with others has been shown to increase anxiety while gradually decreasing our ability to cope. When we are alone too much our level of stress hormones increases, which can lead to a poor quality of sleep and a compromised immune system. In elderly people, isolation also leads to cognitive decline, as monotonous lack of stimulation day in and day out can cause people to turn their attention inwards far too much. There is a good reason why solitary confinement is considered a cruel and unusual form of punishment in prisons! The evidence is clear that connection with other people is essential to health and those connections need to be meaningful and with a variety of people who challenge and support us in different ways. Whether you are in rural France or a big city in the U.K., it is vital to avoid prolonged periods of isolation. Seek out more social contacts, get to know your neighbours, learn the local language, find voluntary work, take an evening class, start a book club or a new hobby, talk to your spouse about how you can get out more as a couple and as individuals … in short find ways to build relationships and reduce seclusion, and take care of your mental health. Dr Jules If you are feeling stuck in your life, counselling can help you to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. Please contact me via the Contact page to discuss whether counselling is right for you. In my regular blog section on English Informer in France, I was recently asked to talk about Eating Disorders, what they are and how to recognize when a person's eating is becoming a cause for concern.
Eating Disorders We hear a lot about eating disorders in young women and the role of the media in portraying unhealthy images that people struggle to obtain, but the reality is that eating disorders are a complex mental health issue. There are three types of commonly recognized eating disorder and these are anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating. Anorexia is a voluntary starvation where a person dramatically reduces their food intake to become underweight. Symptoms of anorexia include:
With Bulimia there are periods of food restriction, interspersed with binge eating and then often attempts to compensate by purging. People with bulimia may not appear to alter their weight drastically, or they may gain some weight, but the symptoms can be as severe as those of anorexia:
In the final category of Binge Eating, there is overeating without attempts to compensate, and so the person tends to become extremely overweight. Symptoms of binge eating include:
So why do these disorders occur? It is important to note that eating disorders are complex; they may start out as an attempt to control your food intake, but at some point, it all spirals out of control and becomes the focus of your life. Eating disorders typically affect younger women, but in more recent years, men have also become more concerned about their body image, and dissatisfaction rates have risen alongside the increase in media images of scantily clad men with abnormally lean and muscular physiques. It is also important to remember that men often don’t have the same levels of emotional support as women, and so may seek solace in food or in over-working at the gym to find something in their lives they can control. Treatment for eating disorders usually includes individual, group and family therapy, possibly with some medications prescribed to help symptoms such as depression or obsessive thinking. In general, the goals of therapy are:
Treatment for eating disorders is often long-term and can occasionally require in-patient care for more advanced cases. It is important to note that eating disorders can be extremely dangerous, even life threatening, and they are notoriously hard to treat once they become entrenched. Physical complications from anorexia, bulimia and binge eating can include heart problems, kidney failure and death. It is vital therefore, that people with disordered eating seek treatment as soon as possible. Dr Jules If you think this topic applies to you or someone in your life, counselling can be an important step in starting to move forward. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you, so please call, text or fill out the contact sheet on this site. This week I answer a reader's question about her feelings of betrayal:
Dear Dr Jules I wonder if you can help? I feel I have been betrayed most of my life, personally by more than one partner including my husband, and now also professionally. I trusted some work colleagues who have both let me down. I have got to the point where I just feel like shutting down my business because of it. Hi there, Betrayal is something that happens to all of us at some point, but it’s a tough lesson to face as at the root of all betrayal is a violation of your trust, and that hurts. Regardless of whether it’s a romantic partner who leaves you unexpectedly, a friend who spreads vicious gossip about you, or a business deal where you get ripped off financially, the root of all of them is the fact that you gave your trust to those who were not worthy of it, and you are left feeling that you have no control over the situation. This can affect your self-esteem as well, as you can start to wonder if the people who have betrayed you ever valued you in the first place. So what can you do to start feeling better after a betrayal? While we can’t change the situation and what has happened to us, we can change how we see it, so here are some tips to help you: 1. Start by asking yourself if these people were worthy of your trust, and how much should your sense of yourself depend on their actions? Reflect on this for the future as well, so that you choose the people you share your trust with wisely. 2. Keep good boundaries and do not allow a climate for betrayal to form. Be clear about your expectations from people and be open with your communication to them so they know where they stand and don’t have the opportunity to behave in ways that you would find unacceptable. 3. Don’t fixate on the past or dwell on how you were wronged and what might have been – channel your thoughts to the present and future and how you want things to be from now on. The anger can only fester in you if you let it, and that will cause you pain and hold you back. Retaliation can seem sweet in the moment, but you might be surprised how much of your time and energy you are devoting to fantasizing about your revenge, and sadly that is only detracting from time you could be spending on doing something positive for you or people who deserve it. 4. Let go by writing your thoughts about the betrayals down on paper and then flush it away in the toilet or burn it. 5. Build trust in yourself and your choices, and let go of people who you find untrustworthy, then put your energy into people who you know won’t let you down. Ultimately, you can learn to see betrayal as a fork in the road where one direction leads to bitterness while the other leads to opportunity. Be kind to yourself and your pain, and in time you will move forward with your plans again. Dr Jules If this topic resonates with you and you think I might be able to help you through Counselling, please get in contact. I offer a free twenty minute chat so we can decide if counselling with me is right for you. This week a reader writes in for help with a phobia, and the advice will be helpful to anyone who feels their life is limited by fear:
Dear Dr Jules I want to see my family in the UK but I hate boats and I am afraid of flying - I tried someone hypnotising me but it did not work. It makes me feel like a prisoner. Please help. Hi there, I’m sorry to hear about your dilemma and understand how trapped you must feel. You are describing the experience of someone with a Phobia. A phobia is a strong persistent fear of a situation or object, that is not normally seen as overly dangerous. This fear gives you an overwhelming desire to avoid certain situations, even though part of you knows it is not rational. Phobias can be really disabling and can interfere with normal everyday life, as yours is in stopping you from travelling to be with loved ones. Symptoms of phobias include classic fear responses such as a rapid heartbeat, trembling, breaking out in a cold sweat, feeling nauseous, all similar to a panic attack. Generally, people try to get away from whatever it is they are afraid of in order to decrease the bad feelings, but repeated ‘fleeing’ only serves to reinforce the fear in your brain. It might help you to know that many people have phobias, although they don’t often talk about them. People can be fearful of many things such as spiders, heights, flying, public speaking, crowded places, or the sight of blood, to name just a few. When I am flying I often observe the other passengers and notice which ones are holding onto the arm rests that bit more tightly during take-off and landing, as even though flying is now common place, many people remain anxious or even avoidant of travelling in planes. Phobias are generally thought to be a learned fear, for example if a person gets bitten by a dog they may start avoiding dogs to the point where they become phobic about being around them. Sometimes it is a one-off event like this that starts a phobia, or it may be a fear that builds gradually, or that starts during a time of general stress when emotional arousal is already high. It might be helpful to know, though, that we don’t need to know the exact cause to treat a phobia successfully. Treatment of phobias varies according to the type of phobia, but it usually follows a more behavioral path of desensitization where the cycle of fear is broken. Gradually through supportive therapy a person is helped to face the things they fear and re-learns how to deal with them more effectively. Some people find hypnotherapy helpful, but generally a solid treatment plan with a therapist who is experienced in working with anxiety and phobias will yield positive results in a relatively brief number of sessions. So, to answer your question about your fear of flying or travelling by sea, there is hope and you don’t need to remain a prisoner forever. I have successfully worked with a wide variety of phobias over the years, including fears of flying, crowded public spaces and even a client who had a phobia about his local Sainburys! All of these clients were helped to gain control of their fears and move forward with greater confidence. The first step to getting rid of the fear is to make the decision to do something about it, and by writing in you are already on the path to change, so I encourage you to keep that momentum going. Bon chance! Dr Jules If you are suffering with an anxiety related problem, then counselling can help you to move forward and make positive changes. I offer a free 20-minute consultation so we can explore how I might be able to help you. |
Categories
All
Archives
July 2020
|